Goodbye 2019! goodbye your birth year!

Happy 6th birthday, HATTIE JILL! Best ever HATCHIMAL party

a new tradition

Tonight was our third lantern walk with Wasatch Waldorf school. We heard a story, sang a song, felt the excitement of the night and then the silence and the darkness as we walked, hand in hand and little hands holding their lit handmade lanterns, through the woods on a path marked with candles. I heard the rushing river, and tried to keep us altogether, among friends, loud “whispers,” and whiny can you hold mes. Annette was in the carrier, snug and warm and snoozing. 

We finished and went home. Some were not happy at how the night went. Some thought there was too much of going off with friends; some thought there was too little. We had contention. 

But something changed as we got home. Annette and Ella has fallen asleep and were placed lovingly in their beds. Frederick and Harriet happily cleared off the table and counter and gathered every candlestick and candlestick holder to the table, arranging and lighting them on the table of the dark kitchen of our home. I prepared hot water for tea and hot chocolate. Collin got out the cider and we poured four bowls of cereal. Someone got cups and mugs and spoons. We stayed quiet. We all tried Fred’s new nerf blow darts. We all decided that this would be our new tradition as a family after the lantern walk every year. The lantern walk symbolizes kindness and service, as well as the light we can create, share and lean on during what is soon to be the darkest and coldest time of year. I realize how much light, warmth and joy my family brings to me. I remembered to look into their eyes and hold their hands. 

A moment

I pull you in close, pleading to God, please let me remember this. I close my eyes, smell your hair, listen to all of your noises, trying so hard. The light from the bed side lamp creates a deep contrast between the light and the shadows. My eyes well with tears; I know it’s impossible. I know someday this night will become a blur of nights and years and that you will grow and grow and never stop. Then you’re cooing, laughing, squealing! I’m laughing and sobbing. I catch it on film, somehow!!! Your sweet and silly expressions, your electric blue eyes, wavy red hair that is already thinning and changing. You want to eat. I start to nurse you, and you hold on to my finger so tightly with your little hand.

It has been 11 weeks that I’m a mama of 4. Well, in a few minutes. (It’s 5:26am). The past 11 weeks has gone by fast but has also gone slowly. I had soaked up every part of you, Annette Jolie, who is even more beautiful than your name. I have held you, and have been thoughtful. I have been blessed with guidance and patience from the Holy Ghost. I have grown closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father and Mother. I have realized things about myself I never knew. I have been supported and cared for, encouraged, lifted, loved by Collin, Frederick, Harriet, Ella, my mother, my father, my mother and father in law, more family and friends. I have been healing physically and emotionally. I am stronger. I can breastfeed a baby, give attention to kids after school, make lunches and breaskfasts and dinners, read to, listen to, can care for four children. I can sleep and wake and sleep and wake and sleep and wake. Day in and out. I can make it through a 3 year olds tantrums with patience and loving I gnoring. I can teach my children to do chores, and about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can read my personal scriptures and study come follow me every morning. I can follow the prophet and have faith in him and in Jesus Christ and His church. I can prepare my children for baptism and lives of service. I can write letters to my brother on his mission. I can prioritize. I can try to get through insecurities. I can be strong for myself. I can be confident in who I am. I can pet and feed a kitty. I can play music and sing halloween songs. I can help my children with their music practice. I could go on and on.

It took me a week to post this. HAHA!

This is my morning every day...

To Freddie, To Hattie, To Ella, To Annie

I can feel a difference.
Today, a difference:
all of us, in our tents,
fearing god like a mistress.

We lay on the rocks, in the sun,
watching you and your mama row in,
I sat up and blinked,
when you appeared,
so pale you were nearly clear!

Later, I stumbled to my bed,
all alone in the branches.
I lay in the dark,
thinking about all of my friends,
and their changes.

And I do not know
if you know just what you have done.
You are the sweetest one
I have ever laid my eyes upon.

It's a beautiful town,
with the rain coming down.
Blackberry, rosemary,
jimmy-crack-corn.
You've got the run of the place,
now that you're running around;
and may kindness,
kindness, kindness abound.

In this hour of our lives--
hour of effortless plenty--
how do we know
which parts of our hearts want what,
with such base generosity?

Taking so many photographs--
so amazed!--
we've never seen a baby so newlyborn.
And, when the bulbs do flash,
as bright as morning,
the crowd keeps on gathering
like an electric storm.

The phantom of love
moves among us at will.
Each phantom-limb lost,
has got an angel
(so confused,
like the wagging bobbed-tail
of a bulldog):
kindness, kindness prevails.

Kindness prevails!
Ties and rails fall into line,
bearing kindness.
Where will you go, if not here?
What will you say,
when you write to us?

This is a world of terrible hardship,
everywhere,
and I search for words
to set you at ease.
But there, in the looking-glass,
a kite is soaring,
stilling my warring heart
and my trembling knees.

Clean as a breeze,
bright as the day:
all of the people gather to say:
"Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!"

I believe love will always surround you--
brave as a bear,
with a heart rare and true.
But if you are scared,
if you are blue,
I have prepared this small song for you:
Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!

-By: Joanna Newsome

beautiful maternity photos by Jayna Hedges

One of my best friends, Jayna Hedges of the incredible By the Hedges Photo + Video, took some lovely maternity photos for us just before Annette was born. We love them so much! Crazy to think she was in my belly, just weeks from joining our family forever.

 

Life now

This is my life right now. And I’m just really grateful and happy. I get how quickly this girl is going to grow. I get that I need to cherish her and this time. I’ve seen it happen. I keep asking how I’m going to remember this. Forge it into my memory—her small perfect head, her smells, her noises, every thought and feeling...you forget. I’ve forgotten so much from the other kids. I get to vividly remember them, watching her stretch and breathe and nurse and fuss and try to poop. But I know that with time, it will be hard to remember almost anything from this time. I know now that I probably won’t even remember writing this post. So I’m trying to soak it all in. I’m staying in bed and reading and sleeping and nursing and changing diapers...not fun after having 3 kids potty trained and not being used to doing it all the time!!!! 

Also nursing has been challenging for us both. Pain, cracks and bleeding, frustration, gas because of gulping so much air, up all night, crying for 30+ minutes, not knowing what to do... But today has been a little easier and I think it’ll all be ok. There have been dark and lonely moments in the mid-night when my worries take over. But during the day when it’s crazy and loud (Fred hat and ella dance party and fashion show for us), or quiet (they are all at the library), or when we put on a movie and collin and I get to connect for a few moments together) I feel bright and happy and hopeful and grateful. Grateful she’s mine. (I HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS!!!!! AND ONE SON!!!!! What?!?? 😂🥰😄🥰😂😄). 

Today Hattie said that Annette is the queen. And I thought about how they all three are such queens. Me too. And Fred and collin are total bosses too. Hahahahaha. A house of bosses and royalty we all think. Oh boy. The drama that will ensue!!!!! Hahaha. I love my life. I love my husband. Even though  we are CONSTANTLY butting heads and arguing for 10 years!!! We are also filled with a passion for each other that is bigger than the universe. When we click, we click. He has been taking care of everything with the house and kids. EVERYTHING. And has been feeding me delicious soft, nutritious, warm soups, stews, bowls. Taking care of me. And we get frustrated and then try to work through it over a cup of tea every night. Or just watch SYTYCD. 💖 

Alright. Nap time. 

And some pictures including Annie’s first car ride!! To the pediatrician! All went well and the dr called her perfect. 

Also....that dance party fashion show....