While packing I go through my keepsakes

My heart is so completely full tonight as I have been reading through cards from friends in the few years before meeting Collin to cards of congratulations for our wedding. Did that world of handmade cards and penpals and sharing our hearts really exist? It seems like a dream and light years away. 

But here, in my hands, the living proof. We had time to write birthday cards and send thank yous for no reason other than we loved each other. My heart is full to spilling over reading the words of friends and family members who are so so so far away. Who I wish I could embrace right now. Each of them. A different life that was. Lifetimes away. Flagstaff and Africa and Florida and DC and Provo and grandparents and birthday after birthday card. My mom has written me faithfully my whole life and now my kids get cards from her. And I married a man who's mother and father still send cards too. My heart is full, reading their words. Handmade cards, those silly cute ones with card board foam pictures on the front. A dog in a party dress. Anniversary notes. So many Halloween and Valentine's Day cards. I feel so..... loved. I feel I matter to people. I'm reminded of my love, my deep deep love for Collin and for my friends and family. So many kind and thoughtful people. So many different people who I have known and loved. So many different stories. My mind is blown; my heart is packed tightly. I feel an emense amount of gratitude. And longing to get back in touch. Write real letters instead of just comments on social media. I want them to know they really really matter to me. 

Lost and found

Weakness

Fear

Insecurity

Insecurities

Doubt

Sadness

Loneliness

Mistakes

Avoidance

Contention

Confrontation

Lies

Jealousy

Judgement

Embarrassment

Anger

Blame

Misunderstanding

Ignorance

These are among the many things I have or do or will struggle with in some big or small way or another in my life. The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows for healing, recognition, enlightenment, repentance and change. 

Freddie and I laid in his bed, speaking of the story of Jesus Christ last night. It's a lot for a little one to understand, so we keep it simple, but he voiced some of his concerns and fears to me and I did my best to listen and comfort and counsel him. It's hard when I myself have fears and am a little child, too, when it comes to knowledge and understanding in the great scheme of things. My finite mind does not comprehend the full magnitude or meaning of the atonement. Yet I as I couldn't sleep tonight, I read much of the story of Christ's last few days as a mortal man on this earth and found insights and comforts to certain and very specific issues and questions I have right now. 

That is a miracle to me-that though the atonement and resurrection are so big and so massively hard to comprehend to my small and inexperienced brain, I do have experience with it. It answers and corrects and connects even the seemingly smallest of things that are troubling me...that are of great emotion and fear to me. God loves me on a level I can't understand right now. He somehow knows me personally. He somehow hears and answers and guides me through every prayer and wish and doubt and need. And somehow Jesus Christ has felt every single sorrow and deep pain and loneliness of my heart. He is real. They are real, I know for sure. And all I can think to do is to learn of them, try to draw closer to them through obedience, which can be a daily struggle and success, to try my best to teach my children where to look for a remission of their sins, and to forgive and ask forgiveness of my partner each day. These things do not all come easily or naturally to me. But I feel I can do better with the knowledge I gain from gospel study and worship of God and the support I feel from the Savior. 

Happy Easter, today. I have found peace tonight and life, though somtimes seemingly dark, is bright and beautiful. 

Thoughts in the head of a thinking all night Pisces, tonight

I am not unlike anyone in this world in that I struggle. I have struggles small and big and some that I can discuss and some I cannot. Sometimes I feel I am suffering in silence. I know so many do, each with unique pains and challenges and weaknesses and mistakes and wishes and failures and disappointments. 

Being a social person myself, I often look for support from others: other women, mothers, friends, other couples...people to talk to and discuss and find similarities and differences and feel lifted or enlightened. I find myself unable to do that right now because of circumstances. I'm away from my close family and friends, people who really know me. And life gets more and more demanding and also wonderfully busy as time goes on. Kids doing more, Collin and I doing more. And my child isn't even in school yet! I can only imagine how busy life gets when that happens. I tried going to a La Leche League meeting because I always feel so much support and happiness from learning from other mothers. But I'm finding that in the places I usually turn to for support from other moms, here where I am, I'm usually the only one with two, almost three children. Most are about to have their first or just have one. Or have 4-5. So it's not bad just different. But for one of the first times I find myself a little physically alone. 

I reconsider posting this a little because I do not want it to sound by any means that I am depressed or sad or feel pitiful. I just want to record my thoughts and the blessings and answers I have received tonight. On a daily basis I feel happy and caught up in the business. I do so many things with my family and kids. We have fun! But I am also a deeply reflective person, and one who feels a deep desire to record, to write, to share my inner self and thoughts and so I write this to myself, my future, and my very close ones.

So many changes have happened recently. And so many changes coming. I can't comprehend life and how interesting and different it can become. Everything I've known has and will change and that happens in life, doesn't it? With each giant milestone. And suddenly I'm not a newlywed or young mother! Well I'm still young, only 31, but not 27 anymore! I have a kid in primary and will have 3 children. Who ever imagined those miracles? And what will it be like to have school children? An 8 year old? Middle school children? High school? Yet so many around me are experiencing those things and are in disbelief. So anyway...

Tonight I laid in bed reflecting and thinking and wondering and worrying. I know it was right to try for a third baby. Collin and I decided together. And I had a great desire and a personal witness more than once that this was right. And I'm pregnant and it's so exciting and wonderful but also of course difficult and tiring with two busy kids who are somewhat opposites and in cold weather to add to that!!!! It's hard not having a yard or warmth to send them out into to play every day as I'm exhausted and sick sometimes.  And Collin and I both feel so strongly that (for us---I in no way shape or form believe what I do is right for everyone or anyone for that matter. I deeply respect other peoples' parenting choices and strategies and deeply believe that we each are given the children we have because we are the best to raise them and know what they need)...again Collin and I both strongly believe for us--in cosleeping and full-term nursing and baby wearing and carrying and other things which create strong physical attachment for many years. That's not something that will change for us. And again I know it was right to have another child (and probably more after this too..) It all takes up so much time!!! And energy!! So how do I do it all and make time for my relationship with my husband? How do I do it all and get to talk to him and ask him questions and hear every detail about his day and his wants and needs and fears and successes and challenges? How do I take care of a newborn, meaning nursing all day in the start, and entertain a very active preschooler and a highly emotional toddler? I know I can but I get caught up in...how? I know I will just do it but I still look for support and encouragement.  And why can't I find it in all my usual places in the world? 

And there are other challenges and why can't I talk to someone about them? I don't want to burden anyone and I don't want anyone to judge me. So then I was feeling a little lonely. 

The spirit whispered to me that I can talk to God. 

Yes, yes, I know...but it's good to talk to someone face to face too, right??

So I turned over and hugged my husband and cuddled him. Then I still wasn't falling asleep so I got up (because my midwife made a few suggestions for when I can't get back to sleep like getting up and getting a snack or doing a little light reading till I felt tired again).

So I got up and peed and got a snack (a carrot, which took longer to peel than it took me to take one bite, which was all I took because I wasn't feeling like eating it) and went to the couch. I picked up the brand new December Ensign and saw on the front, "President Packer's final witness.."

and turned to it and read. And felt the love of the Savior, and of God, my father, and of this man, this apostle, who somehow felt inadequate but knew what he knew and shared it boldly and with love. 

I felt I could turn to God with my problems, and that he is the answer. I felt softening. I felt the power to humble myself and repent and find time and reprioritize. I felt the truth of the words I read. I felt strength and support and encouragement. I somehow felt that I'm doing a good job (to my surprise!!!) and that I can make it and that God is proud of me. Sometimes we are hard on ourselves and we don't realize how good we are doing and that God loves us. 

A few parts from what I read:

"...many men have willingly given their lives in selfless acts of heroism. But none faced what Christ endured. 

...the Light of that pure being. All wickedness could not quench that Light. ...Both death and hell forsake their claim on all who would repent. Men at last were free. Then every soul who ever lived could choose to touch that Light and be redeemed. 

'By this infinite sacrifice, 'through the [this] Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.''

...It is not untoward for any of us to aspire to teach as He taught. It is not untoward for any of us to aspire to be like him. 

*****>>>>>>

...If you have stumbled or even been lost for a time, if you feel that the adversary now holds you captive, you can move forward with faith and not wonder to and fro in the world any longer. There are those who stand ready to guide you back to peace and security. Even the grace it God, as promised in the scriptures, comes 'after all we can do.'  The possibility of this, to me, is the truth most worth knowing.

...Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon...'this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him.'"

[and Packer adds] 

Their words are my words. 

 

What powerful blessings and answers I have been given tonight. What power and knowledge and strength. My testimony is strong. My heart is light and my burdens are easy. I feel surrounded by love and support. I feel like I can endure. I feel sleepy enough to go back to sleep!!! ;) 

I know Jesus Christ atoned for me and that the power in that atonement is real. I know he and God love me and know me and will give me answers and guidance. I know my calling as mother and woman  is noble. I know my marriage is a blessing and that we can turn to each other and work together and be better and be happy. I have a great man who loves the Gospel and who loves his family and works hard. He is a young man of the church and has fulfilled so many promises made to me by Heavenly Father. He challenges me and I'm made into a better person through what we learn together. 

I know I will be able to raise three children  doing my best and loving them, in the way I feel inspired to do so. I love my two little characters, Fred and Hat, and I have quite the feeling that this little one a-brewin' is going to join them easily in their mischief.  I must add, how grateful I am for my little kitty, Dot. She is a faithful little companion who cuddles up to me (right next to me even now) who somehow senses my emotions and offers herself as a comfort to me.  If you don't have a bond with an animal, no problem and I'm sure i sound crazy, but the comfort and calmness I feel while petting her and her unconditional love and loyalty is really really sweet. Heavenly Father has blessed me very much. 

My talk today in Ray 2nd Ward

Freddie---

Collin is my dada

Nikki is my mama

I'm freddie and I'm 3.5, my sister, Hattie, is 1

We just moved into a new house. 

I love to look at the book of Mormon with my family. It makes me feel really happy. 

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.  

Me!!--

Thanks Freddie. He saw all those boys get up here last week and he thought it was so cool and wanted to get up and speak too, so thank you so much for your good example to my son.  Hi, I'm Nikki smith and We were asked to share our thoughts on Linda k Burton's talk from this past general conference called, We'll Ascend Together. After studying it I feel impressed to talk to you about Love. 

Galatians 5:14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

We have a lot of relationships in this life. W Our families, ward members, coworkers, neighbors, classmates, people we talk to at the grocery store, park, library... We interact w people all day long.  

My family is among the most important relationships to me. I need them and they need me. We look to each other for support, for help, for answers to problems. 

Linda k Burtons says, "As covenant-keeping women and men, we need to lift each other and help each other become the people the Lord would have us become."

In our 6.5 years of marriage Collin and I have lived in 6 different places. We are very social people we love jumping right in and getting involved in the ward and community where we live. We love getting to know people and making good friends and going to activities and throwing parties. Sometimes it's been really hard and scary. But We have found that when we go out of our comfort zones and make the effort to get to know people, we are so blessed. Some of the people we have met over the years we have stayed in touch with, some not so much. Some we have crossed paths with again and some we will never see again in this life, but everyone we have met has touched our lives one way or another and have helped us grow and learn something. 

The church is amazing. No matter where we go, we have this support system and structure.  No matter how hard change and transition is, I know My kids are going to have primary, and my husband is going to go to elders quorum and have brotherhood and I'm going to go to relief society and have sisters. We are going to have a bishop who loves us. 

We don't ever have to be alone. I think God gives us this because he loves us.  I think it's up to us whether we take advantage of these things or not. 

In the short time we have been here in Ray 2nd Ward, we have seen 4-5 missionaries get their calls, give farewell talks, go through the temple or leave for their missions. We have met people who have touched our souls and even people who I completely trust and have asked for help. There is a lot of love in this ward. 

Thomas S Monson:

Brothers and sisters, some of our greatest opportunities to demonstrate our love will be within the walls of our own homes. Love should be the very heart of family life, and yet sometimes it is not. There can be too much impatience, too much arguing, too many fights, too many tears. Lamented President Gordon B. Hinckley: “Why is it that the [ones] we love [most] become so frequently the targets of our harsh words? Why is it that [we] sometimes speak as if with daggers that cut to the quick?”⁹ The answers to these questions may be different for each of us, and yet the bottom line is that the reasons do not matter. If we would keep the commandment to love one another, we must treat each other with kindness and respect.

Collin and I, are both opinionated loud people plus we are both oldest children who think we are right about everything. When we were about to get married one of our bishops counseled with us and told us we will probably butt heads a lot but that our opinions and passions could become strengths if we could learn to work together. 

He was totally right. 

Over the years we are learning to not be so competitive. We have  been humbled and have gone through trials that have brought us together. We are learning to work together and be less contentious. We have the desire to have peace in our home and raise our children in confidence and love. But we still mess up. 

Isaiah 63:9 speaks of Jesus Christ:

In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them: in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; and he bare them, and carried them all the days of old.

-the motivation behind the atonement was love. Love makes it all possible. God asked us all to love each other as ourselves. To me that means that we should give others the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they can with what they have been given. 

The perfect love Jesus Christ has for us was again demonstrated when he was visiting the people on this continent after his resurrection....

3 Nephi 17

1 Behold, now it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words he looked round about again on the multitude, and he said unto them: Behold, my time is at hand.

2 I perceive that ye are weak, that ye cannot understand all my words which I am commanded of the Father to speak unto you at this time.

3 Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again.

4 But now I go unto the Father, and also to show myself unto the lost tribes of Israel, for they are not lost unto the Father, for he knoweth whither he hath taken them.

5 And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them.

6 And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you.....

he asked for all the sick to come forward and blessed them one by one.

Then he asked for all the little children to come forth and one at a time, he blessed them, prayed for them and spent time with them. 

11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.

He had important work to do. He is a God. But he is also our older brother. The scripture doesn't say that they begged him to stay or that they even said anything at all...It says that he looked at them, observed what their needs were and he had compassion on them. He made time for them. This is how he showed his love for them.  

This reminds me of my mother. I have a 16 year old brother-he's the last one at home and he is super busy with school and sports and church responsibilities. And my mom and dad are super involved with everything he's involved in. This is how they were w all of us. 

My mom specifically is so busy and she's late a lot of times, she over schedules herself, she can't say no to anyone....it drives us a little crazy sometimes!!! but when my mom comes and visits us at our house, we're the most important people in the world. She always leaves my house later than she supposed to because she's finishing up reading books with her grandkids, or just talking or taking out the trash. And she's probably going to be late to her next appointment but she'll get there and then they will be the most important people in the world. She and my dad are very generous with their time. I love them.

Linda burton in her talk recalls the times of having small children and the difficulties from day to day that come with that and how she was so happy when her husband would come home every evening.  but she also shared that she regrets how she often focused on the long list of to-dos and what was on the schedule that night instead of focusing on having fun with her family and things that mattered most. I'm so grateful to read her words and feel the spirit touch my heart and remind me of what's most important and that I can change to be more focused on them. 

I challenge you all to listen to the spirit. If you have not yet felt the Holy Ghost today tell you something you can do or change, I encourage you to pray to Heavenly Father and ask him for guidance. I have a testimony that God hears and answers our prayers. 

Robert D Hales shared this proverb: 

“Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together.”

I know that relationships are so important. God made this earth for us to come get bodies and become like himself and our savior. And he also sent us here to find love, and to learn from each other. I know the relationships we make are eternal. 

I love my husband so much. He's my best friend and we are working at becoming better together, everyday. I love my babies and I love being a mother. It's the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I love my parents and family so much too and I'm thankful for everything they've taught me. I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know this gospel is true. 

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. 

Touched me so much in church today

"Experiencing the atonement for ourselves in our lives is a prerequisite for heartfelt service." -Elder Bednar

I have experienced the Atonement. And so now I must go and serve my fellowmen. 

Osborn

My heart is very full of love. Today was out last day in the Osborn ward. I'll never forget driving up to this gorgeous building 3+ years ago, pregnant with Freddie, not knowing what life would bring. I've served in Young women for 2.5 years and it has blessed my life! By the grace of God I was able to know and be a part of the lives of his amazing daughters. 

They are smart, interesting, kind, beautiful, strong. They are future mothers, missionaries, leaders. They make me proud. They represent Jesus Christ. They know who they are, what they want, where they are going. 

They have taught me so much. I love them!!! The others leaders have also blessed my life and have been my rriends, confidants, my sisters! Becky Astorga-I am your loyal, loving counselor. You have taught me about being a mother and juggling all of life's craziness. You are an example of true, sincere, Christlike service. Dorothy Finn-you taught me to teach by the spirit, to challenge the girls, to laugh at myself and  be forgiving. You have become two of my best friends. All the leaders and girls have touched my life in many ways. They all are important and bring something to the group. They all are missed when they aren't present. 

I have learned that I can do hard things, that I can have a relationship with Heavenly Father, that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I am made whole. I can be successful at this calling and others because he makes up for where I lack. 

The future is bright. 

One more.

After I published that last post I took this gem. I felt it deserved a post of it own. 

Monte the neurotic 'fraidy cat SMILIN a big happy cat face Saturday mornin smile. Maybe he's just happy Fred isn't here to torment him. F has been doing this bit where he chases the cats growling like a monster lion till they hide under the couch and then squats down and teases them some more. Poor dudes. Haha I love this crazy cute bed sharing family of mine. 

Can't wait to pick Fred up in a couple if hours. :)

Date nights!!

Sometimes we go a while without a date night. We have lots and lots of family dates and lots if fun, but you know, life gets crazy busy. (It really is nuts how much more busy I feel with two kids!!) But we could feel each other slipping far away. We just weren't connecting on all the important levels. Let's face it, we were so tired at night after a long day at work/w the kids, dinner, bedtime, tidying up.....we were dead tired each day. And though we talk lots throughout the day, we don't get to just sit and have a real conversation. 

So we remembered we hadn't had a date in forever and we decided to go on one! Of course, Hattie came too, but she's a newborn still and can't be w out me and really doesn't get in the way much at all. She nurses, sleeps, laughs, poops, and cries a little. (And man she sleeps so well. She's pretty much consistently been getting super tired and going to sleep at 7pm and sleeping till 8 or 9 with just a few times of nursing if she isn't woken up by her stinker cutie brother..."I want to see Hattie!!")

So it worked out perfectly that Fred went to my moms for the night (he loves getting his monkey bag packed) and we went out for dinner and a treat. We ended up having some really important talks, getting on the same page about some really good stuff, and talking about future goals and expectations. It was really a good night. We decided to start getting a babysitter and having a date together at least every other week if not every week. We also got soooo much sleep. Fred usually wakes between 4-6 and we got to sleep in until 9!!!!!!!!!!! It was glorious. I love you, CS. 

The date was followed by the most peaceful relaxing fun Saturday too!!! More to come on that!

30 years

Last week I turned 30!!! I had been absolutely dreading it but a friend told me to embrace it! That 30 is the new 20!! And honestly I feel young. I feel like the best times are ahead. I'm loving life right now, loving bring a family of four, loving being a mom. It's definitely hard at times but as I realize that the difficult things will pass and that this stage in life is so short and precious, it brings gratitude.

Plus my family spoiled me rotten. Woke up to these party animals...

IMG 6134 from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

Did you know about breastfeeding?

http://thesinglecrunch.com/2014/02/12/goodbye-breastfeeding/

The link above is to a story---something that I really relate to and I think will be a lot of how I will feel someday when my breastfeeding relationships end. Who knows how long Fred and I or Harriet and I will go. My plan is for "as long as we both want." We will see. It's not always perfect but we love it and it's a huge part of who we are. 

Moving on comes to us all. I've heard from many who have gone through weaning that it's a bittersweet time--that one can be so depressed and so ready all at once. 

Well that time isn't yet for us so for now we will just enjoy our nursing time. I love these little stories from other peoples lives.  Moms and babes are all so unique. I enjoy learning from others and sharing my experiences. 

Freddie's really growing up and wanting his independence from me big time. I love when he comes back to check in, wants mommy and wants some "milky." I know how fast the baby stage will go with Hattie. I'm soaking up every second, just staring at her! I also long for one on one time w Fred recently. We've started a little intro to sports class at the community center and my mom holds Hattie while Fred and I have fun together!! I love that guy!! He's getting better and better at learning to be gentle with her and in general. He's so so gentle with the kitties now!! But he loves to growl at monte and scare the wits out of him, haha poor guy. 

I love my children and recently realized and verbalized that I love being a mother. 

My valentines; a family valentines date

It all started early this morning.....when Fred and I got up and made pink heart-shaped waffles and decorated for VALENTINES DAY!! He was really excited and brought the waffles into sleeping Collin who was very surprised when they ended up on him.

Happy LOVE day. All these holidays keep happening and I explain them to Freddie. He has been trained to say happy valentines day, daddy-o, and that valentines mean I love you.

Ward conference touched my heart

My Bishop quoted the scripture, Mosiah 2:4, "consider on the blessed and happy state of those who keep the commandments of God." The spirit asks for a mighty change of heart. Bishop counseled us to not judge ourselves so harshly and said that we are commanded to be perfect, but will never accomplish this in this life. We are human. We will progress greatly in the next life. He said we are doing better than we think. What an answer to prayers from yesterday. 

He also said: 

Not to compare ourselves to others. We often compare our weakest weaknesses with others' greatest strengths. This leads to envy. If others are blessed and successful at certain things, be happy for them and move on. I have been blessed in my own ways. 

He recounted President Gordon B Hinckley's counsel in April 2000 to be better husbands and wives; to restrain criticisms and be generous with compliments; as mothers and fathers to treat my children with love and respect and encourage them; as sons and daughters to be respectful and obedient to my parents; and as children of God to meditate daily on how I can be a better example of Christ. 

I was in a really bad mood this morning because...well I won't go into it. But I was upset and felt justified but also knew I was being ridiculous. Collin was patient with me. Freddie was crying most of the morning. Hattie needed to eat. I was mad. But hearing these kind, encouraging, loving, encouraging words from my bishop gave me the humility and confidence I needed to recognize my blessings and change my negativity to positivity. I'm grateful to be listening from the mothers lounge while nursing my daughter and for Collin who is with Freddie in the Chapel. I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father's love. He knows me. 

I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon. I started reading it again in January and have a goal of finishing by mid-June with the Young Women before we go on a trip to Utah. I don't want to be judgemental or critical. It's too yucky feeling and exhausting. And these dudes make me feel sooooo happy.....

CS

Happy love month, my dear, CS. I love you. I'm so incredibly attracted to you! I want you! I need you every day! I love to talk with you, figure things out with you, live life with you, raise our children and kitties together. It gives me goosebumps when I hear you speak French, think about what a great man you are, or even just look into your dreamy eyes. I love spontaeous adventures with you and menu planning with you. You're a romantic, Smith. So am I. Together we will do everything. Here, there, or anywhere: my heart is with you.

I love you.

Harriet Smith special day

Harriet Jillian smith was given a name and blessing by her father this past Sunday at church. It was a very special and beautiful day. I felt the spirit strongly testify to me that she is a daughter of God and has an important purpose on this earth. In the blessing, it was mentioned for her to be baptized, be married in the temple, and to serve a mission! That last one surprised me and my eyes filled with tears thinking of this strong, smart, determined little girl, grown into a woman someday. 

We had many friends and family join us for the celebration-and quite a few not members if our church, but there to support Hattie and us. It was overwhelming. It was a far drive and early in the morning for most and we felt very loved and blessed by their presence. 

And if you know us, you know we like to party and have lots if people in our home, so that's just what we did!!! We couldn't have done it without the major cleaning, cooking and crafty skills of Collin, his mom and dad, my mom, and even little Freddie (while I was nursing a babe nonstop and was able to do very little.) It was all VERY stress free and turned out so well--we had a full house! 

We decided to get our Valentines decorations started early with lots of photos of Hattie and our family. The theme was definitely LOVE! Most of these photos were taken by the amazingly talented Jayna Hedges (jaynahedges.com) I feel so blessed to have had her take many photos of our family over the years. 

Five years old

It had rained all day. Here in Phoenix, it's sunny. And if it rains, it's just a little. But this had been all day.

The streets were wet and gorgeous and blurry. We were bundled up, holding hands, nothing/no one between. 

We left our world behind with his uncle and ran off into the night. First to walk through Christmas trees, lights, antique glitter, tricycles, repurposed hutches and gorgeous couches, and collect vintage ornaments. 

Then through the rain to an Itailian house, so dark and romantic. The food was the most incredible I've had in a long time. Everything is my new favorite, warm, creative, complex, and familiar. I crave it now. We had been promised a 45 minute wait, but perhaps November or love or pregnancy or God himself interfeered and we were given a table not 12 minutes later. We sat across from each other at that tiny table and asked questions and talked about the future five years. 

Without further exact plans, but the night still being young, we went out in search for the perfect dessert to share. While driving around downtown, getting lost in the blurriness and no chance of parking spots, we happened upon a particularly dark and interesting alley where Collin discovered a secret performance going on. There was a warehouse, modern dance, and a woman staring out a gate at us; it was where we needed to be that night! 

We witnessed a beautiful interesting creepy few scenes, heard some lovely music, talked with some wonderful old friends and met new, everyone ever asking and congratulating about my obvious upcoming life change. We relaxed in a comfortable lounge and despite being among eyeballs, skins, mannequins and instruments, held hands and found the trash together. 

One more adventure: we were recommended the best ice cream ever, so set off once again in the late rain, found our place (and free parking!) and had the most delicious combinations while listening about Europa, Jupiter's moon, and Montessori ideals. It had been an interesting wonderful adventure, spent with my best friend and favorite person in the universe. "Five years paying bills; five years without any frills!" We had joked that morning, budgeting and paying rent etc. But there's no one i'd rather do any of this with, CS. There's no one I find more interesting, handsome, intelligent and strong. We have a very blessed life with our babies and kitties and little space. Happy November 22nd. 

Family/babymoon/anniversary TRIP up north to celebrate FALL

It's fun to stay in a motel

A couple of weeks ago we took a trip to St George, Utah. Southern Utah was INCREDIBLE!!!! Freddie was so good the whole was there. He was super happy. We would sing and talk and look outside, and let him play with the tablet for a while to keep him happy. We also had an activity box with paper and a few colored pencils, some cars, books and other toys. It worked well. We also went over all the names of his little cousins that would be there. There were going to be 4 other boys all between the ages of 2-4.

bath time fun

Bath paints are Fred's favorite right now (thanks Ashley!! :) He dips his paint brush in and gets a HUGE glob and makes big purposeful swooping motions on the tub walls. It's awesome. And he likes to fill the tub WAY TOO FULL for a toddler and he swims and splashes all over like a mad man and gets everything soaked. While it's a bit maddening for me at times, I have to CTHD and just enjoy every moment. He's incredible, this guy. Oh, and in the last 2 months his vocab has exploded. He's speaking in complete sentences. How did this happen? We're loving it. Today he was all about. "It is Sunday. It is Sunday!" "He is happy." "I want _____ (jam, water, game, Fly Guy ETC!) and "I want raining." Me too, Fred. Meeeee too. 

Oh and Fly Guy is his latest obsession. It's this randomly weird book about a boy and his pet fly. Frederick LOVES it to DEATH. He's constantly asking, pleading for it. For him. A friend gave us a bunch of kid board games and one is this "Peanut butter and jelly," one and there is this large plastic fly in it. Fly Guy in the flesh. hahahah so funny. When he sees flys outside he's like, "GASP!!!! IT'S FLY GUY!!!!!!"

And he gets songs stuck in his head!! He goes around singing, "No one, no one, no onnnnnneeeee." [alicia keys] and this song about a cat named Applebee, and the choo choo song Grandpa Money always sings. 

He is Risen

Happy Easter. Happiness has filled our home this weekend as we enjoyed going to the Mesa Temple Easter Pageant, attended a community Easter egg hunt, celebrated our birthdays just a little longer, attended the young women general broadcast and as we had a beautiful Easter Sunday at church today. I know that the Savior is real, he knows me, and is aware of my needs and that he atoned and died for me and for all people.

Collin sang "O Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown," in sacrament. It was beautiful. He has a very real talent of being able to convey what he feels in his heart to the congregation through song. I love him so much.

This morning as we were getting ready for church we both said why we are grateful for the resurrection. I told him because I will be with him and Freddie forever, and that my face will be totally whole again (it still it super slightly messed up from having Bell's Palsy a year and a half ago), and also that I'm excited to be able to spend time with and get to know my family members who have passed on without their physical trials and ailments. I love my grandparents and great-grandparents very much, but most of them died when I was young or were sick the whole time I knew them. It will be an amazing miracle to be able to get to know the "real" them.

We taught Sunday school for the 16-17 year olds today and had a great discussion about using comparisons to teach people about the gospel. I love the youth so much. They have the most awesome insights and they are such strong, amazing people.

I love my darling little son, frederick and know that Heavenly Father will help me and comfort me in motherhood. I love my extended family, church family and dear friends from all over the country who build me up and who let us stop by unannounced and still love us. ;)

Happy happy Easter!

32 years of Collin Smith!!!

What can I say about this fantastic man??? He's the smartest person I know, kind, charming, daring, adventuresome, firm, stubborn, forgiving, forgetting, creative, super silly. He's an excellent caregiver, protector, speaker, listener.
He sounds like a dream? He acts like a dream. But he's my reality. Love you, Smith.