My baby forever

I went through a major mourning time when I was deciding that I was done having children. I went over it all in my head again and again. I played advocate for each side, arguing with myself. I discussed it with collin at length. It was an easy decision for him. He’s always wanted four. I’ve never known how many kids I wanted. I was playing it by ear each time. And recently I had the number 5 in my head. I didn’t want to be done forever with having babies. Being pregnant. Feeling all those kicks inside my belly. Sacrificing for this special life I was growing. I would never give birth again. I would never nurse for the first time again. And someday, I would never nurse again.
I had an experience finally that hushed my fears and anxiety over the whole thing and gave me peace and allowed me to confidently decide that we would be moving on to a new phase after this baby was grown. I decided to recognize what I had and to give myself permission to be sad about whatever I wanted to be sad about in the future. But I wasn’t going to regret.
Covid distancing began in March 2020, and it became even more clear that I wasn’t going to have another child. Then, months later, I was talking to some good friends who are our age and are thinking they will have another. Suddenly all the feelings and thrills of having a new baby came back to me. I was jealous too.  It looking at Annette, playing with the kids today...warm feelings of confidence and finality come to me, reminding me that for reasons that are important to me, Collin and I are done having kids. We will focus on these. They are wonderful incredible humans, and I’m excited for our lives together.

The days go quickly

The nights even faster

And my mind is jumbled

All I think about is these three and if they have everything they need, if im enough for them. 

Restless, cuddle up, startle, eat, calm, breathe, breathe heavily, grasp my fingers, slip off. 

Eyes closed, startle awake, then back to sleep. 

I can't multitask, but I can keep calm and do one thing at a time. Be patient. He does everything his own way, all by himself. He loves, imagines, innovates, instructs, learns. I can teach him to do anything, if I allow patience and put everything else down...those things that don't matter. And she is learning and watching every second. Today we changed the batteries to tickle me Elmo, step by step, and poured water into cups, and nursed off and on and off and on and slept at all different times. And watched and cheered as she pushed up and down and rolled and up on her knees then laughed and chewed all the toys. These are my days, these two, these three. 

Spring has sprung!!!

Spring is in full force in Phoenix and you know what that means...it's 99 degrees!!!! Ahhhh!!! The pool water is getting warmer, the heat is getting closer, and I'm getting sweatier by the day.

We are loving the warm/cool breezy evenings and still cool mornings. But apparently the heat is record breaking for this time of year. Oh man, we have already started planning our mini summer trips that will get us as far from the heat as possible almost every weekend! 

Getting outside and even riding public transit as much as possible before it gets too hot to even step outside. Seriously. You can disintegrate. Below, Hattie's first bus ride. She alept most if the time. She loved it. Fred loves the bus sooooo much. I forgot to let him press the button to open the back doors and he was soooooooooooo sad. But don't worry--he got to press it on the way back.

Expectations vs reality. Babies.

We were supposed to clean up the house including folding and putting away the mountain of laundry in two different rooms tonight after babies went to bed. Collin always falls asleep when putting Freddie to bed. He's asleep now and Hattie has been nursing for an HOUR so I'm stuck!! Life w babies, mayn! :)

My two babes

Here is Frederick at one day old

And Harriet at one day old

Oh man I love my babes!!!!!!

nursing, sleeping, night weaning!

For Fred's whole life he's pretty much woken up every 2 hours to nurse, which I NEVER minded before because we were co-sleeping (till he was a year, then he'd go to sleep in his room and sleep walk into ours) and he would nurse in his and MY sleep. I hardly noticed at all and never felt slept deprived...but then I got pregnant and my milk vanished and the nursing hurt like crap and rather than gulping it down for about 5 minutes he just sucked and sucked for an hour or MORE!!!!! ahhhh.

So suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. Suddenly we had to make changes. Luckily, because my milk was decreasing by the moment, I've never gone through painful engorgement even though this has happened pretty rapidly. A friend had sent me this article, and I really like how gentle it was when it came to co sleeping and night weaning and how seriously it took the emotional attachment of a long time nursing relationship. But I also liked how sympathetic he was to needing sleep!!

Collin and I read it over apart and then together. We made a game plan, and we started. I honestly never saw it working. I couldn't see Frederick, who pretty much loves to nurse more than anything in the world, going 7+ hours straight without nursing. But, he did. Since we started he has not nursed from 11pm-6am.  We thought it would be difficult because he has a floor bed and can come into our room freely, and I also thought he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without it but each time he came in, one of us picked him up, cuddled him, sang, laid him down and he went to sleep on his own within 5-15 minutes!!

We skipped the "nursing for a little while but not to sleep" because there's no way he'd ever stop. The first few days we gave him whole wheat tortilla and water, which he gobbled down vigorously. And MAN did he cry HARD. And it was definitely that ANGRY ANGRY cry. When I took him he wouldn't cry very much, just whimper cause I wouldn't let him nurse, but I was firm and consistent. I told him the milk was asleep at night from now on. It seemed to work. When Collin would take him, a couple of times he acted so mad that Collin was KEEPING him from his mommy! But he got over that. It was hard to hear him cry like that, and although I was used to no sleep, Collin had a bit of a hard time. But we stuck with it. After the first 4 days he wasn't really interested in the food part and would just drink. Then he would even deny that sometimes.

Now he goes from bedtime (about 7:30-8) to 6 or 7am without nursing. He does still wake 1-2 times per night, but he goes right back to sleep and we're working on it gradually. He's doing really great. He's just 1.5 years, after all! And Collin and I wonder WHO ever came up with the expectation of babies sleeping so perfectly so soon? I mean it's nice and all, but seriously, what adult doesn't wake now and then for a glass of water or to pee or because of a weird dream? And we have decades on them!!
Since I have no milk (it's turning into colostrum...AWESOME Kellymom article HERE). Fred is eating so much more regular food throughout the day. He nurses 1-2 times a day just for closeness, comfort, calm, familiar. And I love it. Life is good again.

It's good to see that everything we've done hasn't completely screwed him up...though I'm sure we'll make changes here and there with the next one. I know it's not for everyone, but we've loved co sleeping and nursing and how confident and independent while still appropriately attached to us it's helping him become. 

Now if only I could teach him to not throw food on the ground, spill every glass of water on PURPOSE, rip records out of their cases and climb up and mess with record player, terrorize the cats, slap and kick us or just teach myself to be patient with any of these!!!!!!!!! hehe. 

James Oliver Skeen

One of my dearest friends on this planet, Morgan, had a baby boy just over a month ago. She did such a great job and is doing a great job despite the many challenges and changes of being a new mom. I watch her with her little Oliver and she looks like such a natural: holding him, feeding him, comforting him. She keeps saying "no one told me _____!" It's true. We forget or don't want to worry you or just know that everyone's experience is unique. But still, I wish there was more that was talked about openly instead of a little taboo...like the fact that everyone says I'm crazy or brave or "they could never do that," for not having drugs during labor but to me recovery was waayyyyy harder than labor ever was, and everyone has to go through that in some way or another.

Well congratulations to dear Morgan and her amazing husband Tom, who is taking such good care of both her and baby Oliver!!!

The first time I held him I felt handicapped...it's crazy how I forgot how to hold a newborn! And Freddie was huge compared to him!!! Fred would acknowledge Oliver, but kept leaving and walking around the house. Oliver is such a good baby and so cute. I love him! Not much better than having best friends experience the joys of motherhood. (and sorry...tortures too...) ;)

Double the trouble!!!!

I E I will always love you!!!

Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!!!

Happy happy Valentines day!! Growing up my mom always made a big deal on valentines: cards for everyone, decorating the table and house with hearts-galore, heart-shaped pancakes, meatloaf, potatoes, etc. In high school I didn't date much so Valentines day was a day for LOVED ones: dear friends and family. We would shower each other with pink tulips, chocolate, treats, cards, and glitter. (Or maybe not glitter but you get it. This is the girliest I ever was.) now that I'm married to the man of my dreams, I get to be super gushy romantic too. And I got Fred started early as he glued a million paper hearts on a card and let me trace his hand for Collin, and enjoyed a few suckers and sugars cookies himself. I love love! Happy Valentines Day, all!! 

 

 

 

and some oldies circa 2009...

Love, right now, is me changing a super stinky poop diaper even though I really don wanna.

football and babysitting photos. babes babes babes.

Downton Abbey tonight.....spoiler alert...

...man that was horrible. It's hard to think of a time when a cesarean wasn't the norm. There has got to be a balance between not using unnecessary interventions in child birth, and using technology to save lives. Natalie, I see what you were saying about anxiety. I want to just trust and go with the flow and know it will happen when it's the right time.

These things must happen:

Yoga

Hypnobirthing for naps

Peace in my home

Focusing on being the best mother I can be to Frederick, my son

I thought i had escaped the sicknesses going around but Sunday I woke up puking my guts out (good bye 7-year no-vomit streak...grrr...I'll beat you one day, Jerry Seinfeld) and I've felt awful since. Frederick is just fine. He's had an incredible immune system! Breast milk...it's amazing!! Today was spent in bed but tomorrow we go out. Good night. And I leave you with this little dance number.

Mongolia

Here is a beautiful and interesting article about a mother's experience breastfeeding in Mongolia.

Breastfeeding in the land of Genghis Khan

It helped remind me that what my instincts are telling me is a normal thing. I loved the part on westerners' views of independence.

I don't understand why breastfeeding is such an uncomfortable thing for people. (Myself included! Before I had Freddie I had a friend say she was going to nurse her daughter till at least two and I was, I'm saddened to say, weirded out!!! I only hope and pray that I didn't discourage her or make her feel alienated in any way.) I was recently told that breastfeeding in public is not modest and that I should be aware of the religious consequences it would bring. But if God created me and created my breasts to fill with milk to sustain my baby's life, and if being a mother is my divine roll and the most important thing I will ever do, all things I believe with my whole heart, then what's the problem if I nurse my child in public, while living my life, making it easier on me, my child, family, friends? It raises my mental health by keeping me surrounded by people, allowing me to be out and about, helping me feel less lonely and strange, something most mothers experience after having a child. What's the problem if you see a little boob while a sweet mother, doing her best, tries to latch her baby or keep the interest of her hungry, yet distracted toddler? It's just a boob!!!!!!! Really!!!!!! I don't understand why it's considered not keeping private. Im feeding a human being!!!!! It is normal!!!! When breasts are used in pornography, or even just regular tv these days, to promote sex, then yes, that is inappropriate! that is degrading! It has the potential to break up families. And in some instances, that is considered okay, hot, praised. Geeez, what a backwards world we live it. Happily, I think our world is becoming more open and people becoming more educated and understanding that their way is not the only way (once again, including me! I do not think my way of parenting is the only way....it's the best way I know how for me and my son and my family; and it's my life, to try, learn, and grow. And I respect others to do as they feel is the best way.)
I think many people are much more open to possibilities and differences these days. Honestly, in public I've gotten nothing but Love from other moms/dads offering help or encouragement, sharing a story of their breastfeeding days. Its only on Facebook, behind the computer screen that people feel the need, (nay, the duty!) to put me in my place. Ha, oh well; that is their prerogative! I'm just an advocate for the breast, and the right to feed in public and not feel embarrassed or ashamed or alone, and also for the invigoration of doing what you need to do, what you were made to do, without a thought, anywhere you are, while satisfying a fundamental need and sustaining life.

Little clothes

Pulled out a large bin of tiny clothes from the past 16 months. Checking the size, folding, smelling, smiling, remembering a tiny squishy babe. How could he have ever fit in these? And I find myself wishing I could do it over, just to experience it again and not take anything for granted.

I want another baby now. I'm ready when God is ready. But I will never again have only one tiny newborn, who I can give all of myself to. I start missing Baby Frederick so badly, but wait! He's in the other room, sleeping! And he needs me more than ever--right now!!

***Disclaimer****

Frederick is not potty-trained, and is not being potty-train. The above scene was a funny time when Fred peed on the floor and Collin sat him on the toilet. It was so funny that I took a picture.

Bluegrass and teeth

Fred and I have been listening to bluegrass music for two days. We love it so much.
Oh! And guess who is having his first ever dentist trip today???!!! He just grew his 13th tooth while we were in Monterey for Christmas (his first canine!) I love these milestones.
Wish us both luck!!!!