Shaking with gratitude

Tears running 

Exhaustion

Humility flattening out every inch of me

Ready to sleep

Still confusion, eyes hurting, wondering, fearing, but soft and small and here and alright. 

I reach with my foot and am reassured. She is here. 

I dunno why...

But I feel my heart is going to burst out of  my chest! I feel so happy right now! Hormones and moods are nutty but every now and again this wave of happiness comes over me (just as waves of down-ness) and overwhelm me with smiles and gratitude. I love my husband and my children so much. Fred and Hat are sleeping around me and Fred just woke up with his GIANT bed head and acted all zombie then was about to start nursing but I told him his has to give me a giant hug first and he did hahaha. 

It's 4pm and that means we should get up and play play play play and start making dinner and daddyo will be home in 2 hrs!!! We will play w Fred's new play dough he got for his bday and then read books books books and clean up and separate some laundry. 

Earlier today we went on a quick walk and went swimming with grandma. It was so great. Hot but not INSANELY hot, so that's cool! And the water was actually COOL! It was all lovely. Then we made and ate lunch. We were talking and cooing w Hattie, who babbles back; she's a great conversationalist and we laugh so hard with her and she laughs back. Hehehhe good babes. Then bed and I watched Call the Midwife while they were sleeping. Season 3 is on netflix now and I LOVE IT so much. Just started. 

Freddie's bday party was SO SO much fun. I'll post about it this week!!! And yesterday was a day full of church as we attended our regular meetings as well as stake conference in our old stake because the apostle, Russell M Nelson spoke! We got to meet him and it was wonderful. I'm going to post my notes on the meeting too. Today I had a problem and I turned to the Book of Mormon and it helped a lot! 

Okay gotta go! I'm STARVING!!! I know my weight isn't where I'd like it but with my daughter being so dependent it's hard to exercise got long periods of time or very effectively. But I know this time is short and that soon enough I'll be able to work hard at the gym!! Can't wait for the nicer weather so we can go to the park and run around outside more!!!! 

Today!

Freddie turned 3 on Thursday and we had a great day together. He is a happy, confident, social kid. He says hi to everyone. He speaks pretty clearly and wants to learn about everything he sees so asks constantly what things are called, what they do, why they do it, or don't do it!

He assumes the best in everyone and makes friends so easily. He literally will take a kid by the hand and say, let's just go play!

Today is another big party day!!! It's his birthday party, a digger/construction theme. Collin and I have been working really hard on this thing for a while. Everything is set up and looks so cute.  I hope people show up! ;) 

Fred is growing up! He has been transitioning to wearing underwear (more in this soon--very one step forward, two steps back!!:) and this morning while we were all still sleeping in bed he snuck in to go pee in the toilet. And then when I was going to the bathroom Hattie woke and started crying because she couldn't see me and Fred went over and told her it's ok and started singing twinkle twinkle little star!!  He's just so sweet. 

And then he said, "daddy hide!!!! Hattie's a dragon and mommy's a lion!!! It's ON!!!!

3 years, gone girl

We are laying here, all sleeping..well I'm awake now. It's so overcast and rainy outside. Very very quiet and calm and peaceful. Frederick will be 3 on Thursday. Hattie, 9 months on Friday. They are growing up before my eyes. I'm growing up too. I still feel young though. I feel like I'm a kid in a 30 year old's body and they are my little buddies. I feel confident about the future. I feel loved by my husband. Sometimes my mind and insecurities play tricks but he loves and needs me. He even likes me, thinks I'm funny, says he needs me. I'm trying to never be critical because I'm so in love with him. He is so smart and funny. This morning he was doing a funny silly bit for the kids and I went outside my body, observing my life and I went weak at the knees looking at him. When he tells me everything is alright, it is alright. I don't feel scared or sad. Our bond has real power.

Frederick will be 3. My role as mother to him has challenged and shaped me. It teaches me and humbles me. These angels are the future.

He mostly get that it is or is going to be or was his bday. 3. I told him we were going to have a party and he gasped. He loves people. He is just so friendly!!! He says, "Hi, what's your name?" And, "my name is Frederick." If someone doesn't hear him or doesn't answer, he comes to me, a little disappointed. I smile and tell him it's ok and it's just good to be friendly and kind to everyone. This boy will change the world. He is special. He is a child of God. He love to sing and dance in the aisles of the grocery store. He loves to tell me, "mommy I gotta show you!" And shows me something he has found that is just gorgeous and special and unique to him.

He loves spending time and adventures with me. He adores his father and protects his sister. He cheers her on in every accomplishment she makes and confidently announces, "yay, I DID it!!" When he has done something he's proud of...even something like catching a ball. His enthusiasm and optimism and forgiveness inspire me every day. He is compassionate. When something goes wrong he says, "aw, that's too bad." Or when I cry he says we should say a prayer (and then spends the whole time without arms folded and usually yelling or singing something!! Haha, we are working on that one!) but I know he knows prayer is important and that it works. He lives and loves 100% and I'm so so deeply grateful to call him mine. Heavenly Father has a plan for him and loves him very much.

He's growing up but he's still little. I still have lots of time.

My FIRST born, at 4-6 months!


cheering Joe Joe on at his football game

New shoes sleep

Today Fred got two new pairs of shoes-one for church and some slip on tennis shoes for play. {We just did three pairs of flip flop sandals for everything including church this summer because a)it's hot; b)it's phx; c)he's 2.5. d) they are so SPENCY!!}

Anyway, new shoes today and he wasn't w us so this evening before bed he tried them on. Let me tell you, this kid is so positive and optimistic {me: "I'm bit sure they fit..." Fred: "they fit mommy! They are good!!"} He LOVES his new shoes. 

Then the scene goes that he wanted to keep wearing them as we are dressing for bed (picture cute happy naked kid w only his loafers on). 

And he really really wants to sleep with them. And of course the answer is no right? Wrong. The answer is, well, this is the only time you can wear them in bed because they are brand new and aren't dirty yet, huh? He agrees and is almost asleep. Didn't even care about nursing because he's exhausted. Then I'm thinking happily, what if this is a tradition for years where we sleep in our new shoes the first night? And wow, we are a family, this is so real, and they are so incredibly funny, smart, interesting, beautiful. 

.....Happy thoughts tonight...

Away

My husband is away and I love him so much. Can't wait to be back together in a few days and start completely fresh and new. The kids are snoring softly (purring, as my dad would say) and I'll go get some water and watch the law and order I recorded and talk to my brother. The house is quiet now. Just an hour ago they were all being so loud and driving me crazy as I tried to put the kids to sleep, but now it's too quiet. And I'll have to sleep alone in this big bed. Well, alone w 2 kids and 2 cats. 

Good luck tomorrow. 

Today children

After swimming we made a split second decision to go to the children's museum instead of going home to nap. It was so fun. We were so ill-prepared but had do much fun. Fred is my little buddy and Hattie's my girl. I love my little mink best friends. There was done new stuff at the museum too so that was fun.

Can't wait for....fall, Halloween (October), Florida!!!!!, candy corn, holidays, cooler weather and being outside every day!, Hattie learning to walk, Freddie's 3rd birthday coming up, Hattie's first bday!!!!

My family makes me happy. My children bring me so much joy. We are going to start some more structured learning with Freddie, and a new sport in the fall!! And I found this adorable turkey hat/beanie for Hattie that I'm obsessed with....if she will only wear it for more than a second before ripping it off. That girl...so strong willed!!!! :)