Of not having another one to wear all the little tiny clothes my babies have worn
Of there being a time when I’m not nursing
Not co sleeping
Not holding a baby at almost all times
Not having those tiny deep eyes, staring up at me,
Needing me,
Seeing me,
his or her world.
The idea of us all growing, older, growing up, growing past my child-bearing years
Brings so much painful, gut-wrenching, terrifying, lonely, useless, left behind and unexplainable emotions.
It’s always there, gnawing at me, breaking my heart. Reminding me that I want to know but that I don’t. But I do have those eyes. I have them now and they are tiny. So small and needy. Unconditionally, powerfully, perfectly loving.
Given to me for forever. I have a small baby. And she needs me.
I have a wonderful, maddeningly creative, funny, confident 3 year old, and she needs me. I have a sensitive, brave, giving, friendly, special 6 year old and she needs me. I have a smart, cool, daring, kind, growing 8 year old...who will be 9 this year. And 10 next year. And he needs me.
I am satisfied.
I am grateful. They need me and I need to be there for them. I have them. Now. They are right here in front of me.
When I look into their eyes, especially the littlest, the 6 month old, I can’t help but welling up with tears and feeling like I’m mourning something. That I might not remember this moment we are sharing. But I know now; it’s my love. I love motherhood. I love having babies and children. My emotions are so big for them that it’s hard to articulate. But someday when they are grown or even when I just don’t have a little baby anymore I’ll say,
“I miss having little babies. It makes me sad sometimes.
But I love who they are now!!“
And right now, for just a little while, and believe me, I know how fast it goes. Right now, I do have a little baby!!!!!!! Yahoo!!!
