School is out for SUMMER!

After the most different school year of our lives, including 12 weeks of distance learning at home, the kids are done and school is out for summer. Hattie finished kindergarten and is now a 1st grader. Fred finished 2nd grade and is now a 3rd grader. Ella will begin her preschool year. We don’t know what school in the fall will look like. We don’t know if they will start with distance learning again, go with major restrictions, part time, or if everything will be completely back to normal. We can’t know for a while. I am so proud of them and all their work. They did work hard. I am honored that I got to experience it along side them. There were hard and frustrating days, and many rewarding, good days. There was about a week that we didn’t finish most or any of the work, but we did finish almost all of it. And there was a LOT. BUT it was all so valuable. There were some people saying we shouldn’t force school and that the stress wasn’t worth it, and I did keep that in mind. Though there were some stressful times, I felt strongly that my kids needed to do as much of the schooling that they could, that I could guide them, that it would bless their lives and give them and me guidance and purpose during this global pandemic. It has. I feel so much accomplishment and it did bless our lives as we found our rhythm together and worked at our goals every day. The Holy Ghost guided me through this school year the whole time. 

This was the rhythm that we settled on that worked best for us (after much trial and error!!) 

Wake

Breakfast and scriptures

Exercise (eye of the tiger!)

Get dressed/ready (there was always a day or two a week that we stayed in our PJs all day)

School time Fred and Hattie while I nursed Annette to sleep on the couch for her first nap and Ella would do trues school with her)

Lunch

Outside play until dinner time 

(At 2pm if we didn’t finish all of school and music there Was time to work on that)

Dinner

Chores

Family walk

Bedtime

Looking back, this has been some of the best times our family has ever had. Collin would be working all day and would usually make lunch and dinner. 

Happy summer!!!

Stages: womanhood, motherhood

The idea of not having another baby again
Of not having another one to wear all the little tiny clothes my babies have worn
Of there being a time when I’m not nursing
Not co sleeping
Not holding a baby at almost all times
Not having those tiny deep eyes, staring up at me,
Needing me,
Seeing me,
his or her world.

The idea of us all growing, older, growing up, growing past my child-bearing years
Brings so much painful, gut-wrenching, terrifying, lonely, useless, left behind and unexplainable emotions.
It’s always there, gnawing at me, breaking my heart. Reminding me that I want to know but that I don’t. But I do have those eyes. I have them now and they are tiny. So small and needy. Unconditionally, powerfully, perfectly loving.
Given to me for forever. I have a small baby. And she needs me.
I have a wonderful, maddeningly creative, funny, confident 3 year old, and she needs me. I have a sensitive, brave, giving, friendly, special 6 year old and she needs me. I have a smart, cool, daring, kind, growing 8 year old...who will be 9 this year. And 10 next year. And he needs me.




I am satisfied.




I am grateful. They need me and I need to be there for them. I have them. Now. They are right here in front of me.

When I look into their eyes, especially the littlest, the 6 month old, I can’t help but welling up with tears and feeling like I’m mourning something. That I might not remember this moment we are sharing. But I know now; it’s my love. I love motherhood. I love having babies and children. My emotions are so big for them that it’s hard to articulate. But someday when they are grown or even when I just don’t have a little baby anymore I’ll say,

“I miss having little babies. It makes me sad sometimes.
But I love who they are now!!“


And right now, for just a little while, and believe me, I know how fast it goes. Right now, I do have a little baby!!!!!!! Yahoo!!!

To Freddie, To Hattie, To Ella, To Annie

I can feel a difference.
Today, a difference:
all of us, in our tents,
fearing god like a mistress.

We lay on the rocks, in the sun,
watching you and your mama row in,
I sat up and blinked,
when you appeared,
so pale you were nearly clear!

Later, I stumbled to my bed,
all alone in the branches.
I lay in the dark,
thinking about all of my friends,
and their changes.

And I do not know
if you know just what you have done.
You are the sweetest one
I have ever laid my eyes upon.

It's a beautiful town,
with the rain coming down.
Blackberry, rosemary,
jimmy-crack-corn.
You've got the run of the place,
now that you're running around;
and may kindness,
kindness, kindness abound.

In this hour of our lives--
hour of effortless plenty--
how do we know
which parts of our hearts want what,
with such base generosity?

Taking so many photographs--
so amazed!--
we've never seen a baby so newlyborn.
And, when the bulbs do flash,
as bright as morning,
the crowd keeps on gathering
like an electric storm.

The phantom of love
moves among us at will.
Each phantom-limb lost,
has got an angel
(so confused,
like the wagging bobbed-tail
of a bulldog):
kindness, kindness prevails.

Kindness prevails!
Ties and rails fall into line,
bearing kindness.
Where will you go, if not here?
What will you say,
when you write to us?

This is a world of terrible hardship,
everywhere,
and I search for words
to set you at ease.
But there, in the looking-glass,
a kite is soaring,
stilling my warring heart
and my trembling knees.

Clean as a breeze,
bright as the day:
all of the people gather to say:
"Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!"

I believe love will always surround you--
brave as a bear,
with a heart rare and true.
But if you are scared,
if you are blue,
I have prepared this small song for you:
Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!

-By: Joanna Newsome

Fred done with Kindergarten!!

We have LOVED our Kindergarten year at Granite Elementary and with Mrs. Genesi!! Fred has learned so much, including learning HOW TO READ! It has been magical to see him so ready and eager to learn. We have had ups and downs this year but on a whole, we have had positive growing experiences as a family and as parents. We have learned to be proactive in our teaching. We realize the importance of play. Collin and I both spent a lot of time volunteering in the classroom.  We will be moving on to another school next year and are very excited. We will always cherish our times at Granite.

July 2017

Well, it's BEEN A WHILE. But I'm just going to go from here.

3 kids is a lot sometimes. It's the happiest and saddest and most rewarded and challenged I've ever felt. It is hands full and heart full, trying to care for my 3 babes, get through each day, and treasure every moment with them as they are so little.

Frederick starts Kindergarten in a month. He will go to Granite Elementary here in Sandy, Utah. After talking to lots of people in the area, and meeting at the school for a K orientation, we feel that this is the absolute right thing for Fred and for us. Nothing will be perfect, but it seems like the right fit. as always, Collin and I will be involved and helpful as much as we can.
Fred is my bud. He is my right hand man. He is a leader in our family and among his friends and neighbors. He is discovering who is is, little by little.

Harriet is growing and changing a lot too. She is more agreeable and able to talk things out. We still have our days of misunderstanding and frustration, but mostly due to my trying to control her. She is a beautiful butterfly. She and fred both have wonderful imaginations. They play well together and also fight together. They learn so much from each other and love each other very much.

Ella is still my baby, but is also developing her likes and dislikes and her personality. She is a stubborn little thing, and nothign gets past her these days. She is smart and cunning just like her siblings. She has a special and unique bond with each one. She has started fighting back when they pester her, which has resulted in biting, hitting, and scratching. She sticks up for herself. She is on the verge of speaking. She understands much and she does her best to communicate her needs and thoughts.

I'm evolving as a mother and person. I'm looking deep within myself to the person I am currently and the things I need and want to be fulfilled. I am asking myself many questions and finding the answers to them, little by little. I have learned much and have a lot to learn. I love getting out and exploring new places, as always, but I find myself not wanting to be quite as busy as before. I find myself wanting to cherish and play with my children. I'm realizing that where I felt discipline, sternness and justice was necessary, along with (and sometimes in place of) that needs to be understanding, trust, loyalty and unity for my children, husband and family. I'm not exactly sure what it all looks like, but I'm excited for some new chapters in our lives.

observations on a snowy Wednesday afternoon

It has just been snowing and snowing and snowing. We wake and it's snowing. We drive and it's snowing. We go on walks and it's snowing. The kids play together at home fantastically. We don't do TV during the week at all and it has made a huge difference with their patience and moods. We all feel happier and go to sleep easier. Plus now when they do watch stuff on weekends I don't feel guilty. We have been playing a lot. Playing board games like Monopoly Jr, and Hoot Owl Hoot. And puzzles and painting. We do chores. I mostly do them, but they like to help too. They love doing dishes, vacuuming and sorting laundry. When they have to do things that are actually their chores (cleaning up the table, setting the table, cleaning up messes) it's like pulling teeth. 

They pretend a lot. "Pretend you're my mom and you have to chase me a put me in time out." hahah. Collin and I made them some wooden clothespin dolls for their Christmas presents and they LOVE them. They are just wooden clothespins that we have painted clothes, skin and hair on. (no faces so that they can decide how the people are feeling). They play will those like crazy. Ella loves them too. She loves to mimic and follow her siblings around. She thinks she's part of every game and it's so cute. Today popcorn and hot chocolate and gingerbread tea for snacks before music class. This was sort of a dreamy afternoon we had. Dreamy because it was fun and relaxing and we were listening to "Singers" by Mount Eerie et al. (and it was only relaxing until we had to get out the door to go to music class. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I give plenty of time and ask them nicely and help them but inevitably they wont get in the car or get their socks and shoes on and we are pretty much always running late these days.) But we all talk about it and forgive each other and say we're sorry. We're all practicing that lots: "Sorry," and, "it's ok."

a bunch of popcorn dropped on the ground.
This one is THERE to eat as much of it up as she can before I can get the broom.

Freddie started school

Frederick, my first born child, my baby, my son, my reason, growing up so fast, started preschool this week. It was such a big moment for our family. He's 4.5+. He turns 5 this month in two weeks. I'm so glad I had him home with me for as long as I did and that we have shared and experienced so much together. He's has been healthily attached to me and I to him. And this is just another step in letting go. I love him so much. We all rallied around him, preparing, and Collin ans I buying supplies, worrying and planning, all so he won't have to. All so he can feel secure and confident and just go and be a child at school. 

Though I have had tears through the preparation, when the time came to walk him to his new classroom, the Meadowlarks, and leave him with his loving teacher, Ms Atara, (with extra shoes, extra outfits, a vegetable he chose (broccoli) for the class soup, some acorns Freddie and I gathered to share with the class, and rain gear just in case), I had no tears. I knew he was ready. (Though I get emotional about it now!😊)

He had been excited all morning and ran into the front door of the school, me trailing behind. He had slept 12 hours the night before and had an awesome breakfast and lunch. He was happy and ready. He sat right down at a table and started rolling out some playdough. I knelt down and said goodbye and he kissed me right on the lips and said, "bye mom." With a thankful swollen heart, I was able to walk away and back to the car where my mom was waiting with Harriet and Ella. Hattie did not have an easy time. She was quite emotional Tuesday and again today. She didn't want Fred to go or wanted to go with him. She wants to go to preschool. I am going to try my hardest to make this a special time for Ella and her and I. We are going shoe shopping today! 

And she has been telling us all about her preschool at her home and that we can all visit it tonight. 

Today when we were walking from the park to his school, Hattie was getting very sad and Fred put his arm around her and said, "I'm so sorry Hattie. I have to go. I'll miss you." 

When I picked Freddie up after his first day, I have never seen him so happy, balanced, well. I'm so happy too. 

So far in this new home it has been a simple life. Things are still chaos inside with boxes everywhere and not knowing where the broom is or finding time to do dishes. When Collin gets back we will work together and find a rhythm. But life feels quiet out here in the trees and mountains. It feels calm and like there is plenty of time to do and be and rest. 

Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. 

Babies babies 1, 2, 3

Name that one day old babe. 

Name that panda babe. 

Name that sweet sweater onesie babe. 

Big latch on 2016!

This weekend is the annual big latch on and we found an awesome group to join today in Lehi. My big kids had a great time playing with all the other big kids, too! I love this awesome breastfeeding community! 

Some baby mama yoga 

Hattie stayed close. She and Freddie have grown so fast. 

Lindsey of Lactation Link. 

We both had our baby girls (and third children and first home births) on May 14th!

I won the drawing yahoo!!

Freddie at 11 months at our First Big Latch On! 2012. 

Beautiful baby Harriet at 8 months. 

The big latch on last year in Flagstaff

That's that.

My love expanded to make plenty of room for my darling, Ella, and then it deepened my love for Frederick and Harriet. And every emotion intensified for Collin. These days are spent mostly at our home, in bed or on the couch while the kids play and I nurse, with a chaotic world of mess growing around me and my tolerance for it growing and mastering my ability to block out the stress, remembering these messes won't be for forever and how quickly this is all going by. The days are also spent outdoors in our beautiful yard, across the street on the Capitol lawn, and around our block on many short and a few long barefoot walks. We have ventured out to the library once and the park a couple of times but that has proven mostly too much for me just yet. I prefer to go out with Collin. I have learn a lot from failures, however; and I have gotten better at planning for every situation. At home we leave our front door open while we are in the front room, welcoming any passer by to come and say hello, and they do, often. The weather is warm and beautiful. There were a couple of very hot days where no a/c was a bit horrid, but fans made it bearable and cooler weather came again. I adore the green and fullness all around me. The roses have come and are now going. My little family has bloomed and is now settling into life as we now know it. There is so much that the future promises. It's hard to know and let go while also being so hopeful and excited for change. I love our neighborhood and neighbors. 

 

First bath since birth! 3 weeks old. 

Everyone joined us. No privacy, right Ella?!

He loves her. He always wants to hold her and rock her. He calls her "Big eyes." 

First venture out on my own was to the library. Super fun and super hard. Listening charts were started in our house. When they fill up a line of listening, they get to go somewhere or do something fun. 

Mostly it's just us at home these days. Or outside on the yard. We need and want a fenced in backyard. 

But we love where we live. So so so much. 

Many many have brought food and gifts. So so sweet. Will never be forgotten. 

Went down to Provo to see the play, Charlotte's Web. 

They loved it. Freddie was totally glued. Hattie laughed and enjoyed and got bored and sang let it go. Ella nursed and then fell asleep. The kids got to meet the actors afterwards. So fun. They answered ever question F and H had, like, "Why did you die, Charlotte?" And "Templeton, why are you a rat?"

Freddie told Wilbur his favorite part was that he was a pig. 

Loved spending time with Katie, Miriam, Cam and their kids. Freddie and Hattie LOVED playing with Ruby and Ivory. So sweet. Said they would be friends forever and ever and would never forget each other. Looks like we really need to make a trip to Oregon to visit them. 

She is so cute in her car seat. Growing into it a little bit. 

Met Elsa yesterday. Hattie ALMOST FAINTED. 

HAT had just given her a big hug too. 

Love this temple. Loved hanging out with David too. 

Fun ice cream place. 

We had a date last night and went and did all our grocery shopping. Ella was an angel of course. 

Beautiful girl. First and last time she will wear this cute dress. Getting big. So sad to see her outgrow clothes even though I know it's good that she's growing--and she is! Today was her 1 month dr appointment and she has gained 2 pounds since birth (plus the half a pound she lost right after birth!)

Bubbles and a walk w my first born 

So pretty. Walks are my favorite thing ever. But I have to cut it out by order of the midwife. There will be plenty of time for that but my body is showing signs of overworking and over doing. I shouldn't be taking the kids to the park or library. I need to take care so that I can heal completely and be everything I need to be. I know it's so true. I feel it. I'm going to work really hard at staying in bed for the next two weeks. More time for cuddling, reading, sleeping, nursing, singing, story-telling. 

And then we will go back to liberty park-our favorite place everrrrrr!!!

So cozy in the blanket sweet Morgan made her. 

This girl loves to make things with her hands. We will do more of this. 

Flying kites in the rain for FHE. Thanks Ian and Ashley fam for the awesome kites!!!!

So happy. I love our neighborhood. 

This morning she was playing with all the tomatoes and potatoes and chargers. I overheard her, "babies, you'll be fine; you'll be fine. We are just going on a date. We'll be back."