Sometimes you worry about things and you pray and you're in pain and you seek for comfort or answers. And sometimes you just have an outpouring of blessings and everything is right and you feel you could never be sad again!!!!

It has been 6 years

It's been 6 years since I woke up next to Collin for the first time. 

There's so much that's happened. We have grown, changed, gotten better and of course, worse, in some ways. It's taken me 6 years to figure a couple things out.

I'm learning to trust more, in a (more)real way. I'm learning to accept the person in the mirror and get on with it. I'm realizing things about life, marriage, children and parenting, existence, death, eternity, time, mortality, and things that don't matter, that MATTER. When I trust, don't stress, enjoy, get on the floor, dance it out, MOVE, live life to the fullest, really pay attention, I am happier. My marriage is happy. I don't feel guilty for wasting even a second with my angels. Any 4 of them (Collin, Frederick, Harriet & Dot.)

Life is such a blessing. It's a time to live, prove, obey, and serve. I'm so happy for the relationships I have. I love the people around me snd people I meet. I love making human connections and holding onto and strengthening those bonds. 

I have changed in 6 years. I'm hardly that long, thin, wild, spontaeous thing with a long mess of tangled hate that I never brushed and thought looked good (seriously?? seriously...) I'm different.  But that's life, I think! We have a long way to go!!! Its really beautiful. 

Happy holidays. I love this time of year so much. And happy 6 years, Smith. 

Promises//blessings

In Mosiah 4:9+

Believe in God. Trust him. In all things, everyday, remember him and the fact that I'm nothing without him...humble myself because of his steadfastness and long suffering toward me, unqorthy as I am. Call on him daily. Endure. Remain steadfast in my faith in him. 

If I do this....

V12- I will be filled with love. I will not have a mind to injure another person, but to live peaceably. 

My children will not go hungry, will love each other, will remain faithful. 

I will lift up others around me and give to the poor and needy and teach my children to walk in righteousness and to love and serve each other. 

I want to do these. 

Faith//fear

Some things happened. And I was thinkin. 

People decided things and they happened and some of it depressed me, scared me and haunted me. 

Panicked me. 

But after trials came miracles and warmth, truth, reality, clearness, comforts. 

And then it hit really hard. 

Confusion. But I can't doubt. I can't stray. I can't go. I can't change. I must open my book and tell. I must ask those dear ones. It's too serious now, too late? Too important. 

Then aches and empty and calls and comforts. More calls and lifted high, high, higher. 

And when it came down, I landed happily in my arms. Happily and truthfully in the  room of certainty. I read words that sorted out thoughts. 

She prayed her sincere prayer wishing to come closer to "you," and it hit me: there is a you. And my boy sang about you. And my head loved about you and lived because of you. 

Hope overwhelmed and overtook me and my dark fear.

 

Easter 2014

Holidays are fun with a toddler. It's funny to explain to him what it is and why it's a special day. He's often like...another holiday??? Haha and you know we love to celebrate anything and everything. It's interesting as Freddie gets older to figure out which traditions we will focus on and which we will ignore as a family! We also aren't tied down to any specific things though. If we don't get to something...who cares! The most important thing for us on Easter was to consistently talk about the resurrection of Jesus Christ and what it means to us individually and as a family.

This year we went to the Easter pageant at the Mesa Temple, dyed eggs, and attended church together Sunday morning. That morning the kids got Easter outfits (that was fun for me!!) and got cards and little gifts from grandparents. And I made some delicious Easter cookies. Recipe here: http://cookiesandcups.com/cookie-sticks/#_a5y_p=1312222

After church we had a 3 hour family nap (we were OUT. I haven't slept that well in a while!!!) and then had our favorite meal, Chicken Tikka Massala by Mrs Harding cooks, here: http://mrshardingcooks.blogspot.com/2010/05/chicken-tikka-masala.html?m=1

I was REALLY wanting to be around family or friends that evening. My family was out of town and we were missing them and Collins fam like crazy. So we went over to a friends house with a few other families and had dessert. We got there and only had an hour before everyone was leaving but we had a great time talking with other adults. We are grateful for good and welcoming friends in our ward family. Heavenly Father really takes care of his children. It was a beautiful special family day. Love my so husband and children and kittens so very much. So thankful for the Atonement  and Resurrection of the Savior and for my sweet Mia Maid class. They have strong testimonies and teach me so much. 

I'm SO OBSESSED with these pictures and this happy boy!!!!!!!! He loves life!!!

What a beautiful face

People are getting cancer and dealing with infertility issues and out of a job for two years and life is real and hard and each moment a gift.

Just wanted to remind myself. 

Ward conference touched my heart

My Bishop quoted the scripture, Mosiah 2:4, "consider on the blessed and happy state of those who keep the commandments of God." The spirit asks for a mighty change of heart. Bishop counseled us to not judge ourselves so harshly and said that we are commanded to be perfect, but will never accomplish this in this life. We are human. We will progress greatly in the next life. He said we are doing better than we think. What an answer to prayers from yesterday. 

He also said: 

Not to compare ourselves to others. We often compare our weakest weaknesses with others' greatest strengths. This leads to envy. If others are blessed and successful at certain things, be happy for them and move on. I have been blessed in my own ways. 

He recounted President Gordon B Hinckley's counsel in April 2000 to be better husbands and wives; to restrain criticisms and be generous with compliments; as mothers and fathers to treat my children with love and respect and encourage them; as sons and daughters to be respectful and obedient to my parents; and as children of God to meditate daily on how I can be a better example of Christ. 

I was in a really bad mood this morning because...well I won't go into it. But I was upset and felt justified but also knew I was being ridiculous. Collin was patient with me. Freddie was crying most of the morning. Hattie needed to eat. I was mad. But hearing these kind, encouraging, loving, encouraging words from my bishop gave me the humility and confidence I needed to recognize my blessings and change my negativity to positivity. I'm grateful to be listening from the mothers lounge while nursing my daughter and for Collin who is with Freddie in the Chapel. I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father's love. He knows me. 

I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon. I started reading it again in January and have a goal of finishing by mid-June with the Young Women before we go on a trip to Utah. I don't want to be judgemental or critical. It's too yucky feeling and exhausting. And these dudes make me feel sooooo happy.....

Job 2

Job was a good man and had great integrity. Satan afflicted him with boils all over his body and he still remained faithful. His wife told him to curse God and be put out of his misery but he would not and ensured to the end. Then his friends came and comforted and mourned with him. This was mercy from God. 

Right now I am going through something hard...I have been waiting for almost 2 weeks for my baby to come. Everyday comes and goes with little or no progress. My faith has gone up and down, but God has never left me. He is there to comfort me whenever I turn to him in prayer. (Even after I have insane emotional breakdowns and say I'm giving up.) He sends my husband, parents, and friends, as angels, to mourn with me and comfort me. There are so many who call or text every day, wondering how I'm doing and if the baby is coming. Part of me has a hard time with the pressure it creates, but really I am so blessed to have so many who care and are thinking of me. :) I am continuously learning, repenting, growing, messing up, getting comfort and answers and everything all over again in this pregnancy. This baby has much to teach and add to our family. This is a very special little one.

I need to endure and have integrity. I need to have faith and patience. This will pass (it has to by Thursday!!) and we will have our new child and everything will be different and I'll have many many more lessons to learn. I can do it with God's help, with Collin, the Savior's atonement and the Holy Ghost. 

For the strength of youth

I have been studying and analyzing the for the strength of youth pamphlet for personal progress for the past few weeks. I feel so blessed to have this guidance and these standards in my life. It has given me much insight into what I can do better to make my life easier, my relationships stronger, and to be a confident strong daughter of God.

I wish for my young women to make and accomplish these goals because I love them very much and know it will bless their lives. I also desire for my family and especially my children to become familiar with and live these standards. We will work in then together! We are a very blessed people and church. We are never alone. We are never in the dark. We have every resource given to us and it starts with personal, sincere, humble prayer to our Heavenly Father. 

Good night!

Link:

https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth?lang=eng

Young Women In Excellence 2013

The girls decided to make the theme Yw in excellence, through the years. The Yw program was established in 1870 and each girl picked a decade from then to now to represent. Many dressed up, decorated their desplays etc with their decade.

GRATEFUL!!

This weather

Teaching Yw today

Inspiration

My husband. I needed him so much this week and he has been there for me every moment. 

Arizona!! I was so down on it all summer but it really is an incredible place to live and I feel blessed to be here. 

The Priesthood!!!

Priesthood blessings

Comfort and confidence I've been given today. I feel I can move forward and continue preparing. 

Trials of my faith. It was a really hard trial for me and I tried to have faith. Heavenly Father is giving me so much love today for trying. 

People around me lifting me up so much. 

The youth curriculum!!! It's crazy freaking awesome. 

My babe inside and outside. I am so grateful. I am beyond blessed. 

Joy!

Jumping on the bed!!

Jesus Christ!

Jillian my cousin! 

Exciting things coming up like holidays and friends and my in laws coming. 

My mother who selflessly helps me day after day after day. 

My father and his knowledge, love, support, trying to understand me. 

Extra work for Collin. 

Our awesome car that someone GAVE us!!! I love it!!! It's the best ever!!!! 

Prayer!!!!!!!

So many people today texting me and telling me if I need anything to not hesitate to ask them for help (since I stayed home with sick Freddie from the first two hours of church.) I didn't even know they cared!! But they do!!

Okay I have to go inside and spend time with my family!! Count your blessings man!!!! I could go on forever!!!!! 

Baby mine

How is he mine? How could I possibly be so loved by Heavenly Father that he has allowed me stewardship over this small, perfect being? All I can do is say thank you. 

Heartbeat video

Smith babe 2 heartbeat from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

A happy smith family day!!!

I have a new beautiful blonde nephew!!! Weston Sterling Smith!! Congratulations to my dear dear sister in law, Ashley and her husband, Ian, and first three children, Lauren, Kate and Lincoln. 4 children!! Can you believe it?? They are seriously awesome parents-loving, fun, and in control. I look up them and value their opinions very much. 

Ashley is the type of person who makes a goal and then makes it happen. I want to be more like her. She knows her body and herself and what's she's capable of.

Congrats to you all!! I love you!!

And a very very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my other sister in law, Kendra!!!!!! It's so special that she shares a bday w our sweet new nephew. Happy happy happy day!!

Yes, pregnancy is hard. I forgot how hard! Or maybe this one is just a little more challenging having another child. But reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and all the positive (though many challenging) birth stories and thinking about my own birth with Freddie, and thinking about how "wow, I'm pregnant now!" And thinking of possible future pregnancies and births...just them alone without all the other hard stuff that comes w them...I love pregnancy and love birth! Call me crazy, but i's a miracle. It's amazing. I feel very blessed. I don't want to complain. At yoga today I learned modifications to help me be more gentle on my ever-changing body (I'm in a regular class-not prenatal so I can't do everything they do anymore.) And during one part we had to look up at our cupped arm over our heads and we were told that whatever thoughts we were thinking are reflected back to us so to make sure we are thinking positively and kindly. I usually do think negative things about myself; it sucks. but I was feeling so good that all of a sudden I found myself thinking all these awesome things. It was very empowering and gave me confidence and peace. I'm awesome. I feel good about my body. I make it to the gym 3-4 rimes a week. I love the little bean growing in there. My husband is awesome and funny and loves me so much!! My son is adorable. He tries my patience 100 times a day these days, but he is soooo funny and cute and he's teaching me to teach him and so much more. I love cats! And I have two of the cutest, sweetest, cuddliest, and most independent ever. 

Today I'm 16 weeks and ill have more patience, more fun, more gratitude as I wait and prepare for December. 

He is Risen

Happy Easter. Happiness has filled our home this weekend as we enjoyed going to the Mesa Temple Easter Pageant, attended a community Easter egg hunt, celebrated our birthdays just a little longer, attended the young women general broadcast and as we had a beautiful Easter Sunday at church today. I know that the Savior is real, he knows me, and is aware of my needs and that he atoned and died for me and for all people.

Collin sang "O Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown," in sacrament. It was beautiful. He has a very real talent of being able to convey what he feels in his heart to the congregation through song. I love him so much.

This morning as we were getting ready for church we both said why we are grateful for the resurrection. I told him because I will be with him and Freddie forever, and that my face will be totally whole again (it still it super slightly messed up from having Bell's Palsy a year and a half ago), and also that I'm excited to be able to spend time with and get to know my family members who have passed on without their physical trials and ailments. I love my grandparents and great-grandparents very much, but most of them died when I was young or were sick the whole time I knew them. It will be an amazing miracle to be able to get to know the "real" them.

We taught Sunday school for the 16-17 year olds today and had a great discussion about using comparisons to teach people about the gospel. I love the youth so much. They have the most awesome insights and they are such strong, amazing people.

I love my darling little son, frederick and know that Heavenly Father will help me and comfort me in motherhood. I love my extended family, church family and dear friends from all over the country who build me up and who let us stop by unannounced and still love us. ;)

Happy happy Easter!

babywearing, crafts, love

Friday at Babytime...I want an Ergo very badly. I have a Moby Wrap and that worked so great for us when Frederick was younger and didn't move much. It distributed the weight really well and left me hands-free while I could keep Fred close to me and he didn't have to cry for me to hold him constantly. But as he has gotten bigger, it's harder and harder on my back to wear him in it. The fabric is stretchy so when he moves, it loosens. It can also get hot, but I live in freaking Phoenix and take public transit a lot, so what the heck doesn't? So I totally recommend it for younger babies, but now I'm ready for something more sturdy. I tried on my friends Ergo and it felt like Fred weighed 2 pounds! I walked around super comfortably and Fred seemed to like it.

Blurry photos.....below is baby girl Charlie and Frederick being all boyfriend and girlfriend.

Fred chillin in his high chair.

My mom's bday lunch with her girls. They were all so sweet and cute. I hope I have a group of friends like this when  I'm.....53.... hehe sorry mom, but you look 38.

I love the temple and these ladies. We went as a Young Womens Presidency. It had been a few months for me so I was grateful to go. Then I ran over to Super Saturday for church. It was a huge craft party. I had signed up for 4 crafts and didn't get any of them finished, but I'll have lots of fun stuff to work on in the next month. I also took a toffee making class and am so excited! Let me know if you want Toffee. I'll make you some when it gets cooler. I really will.



While I was out at the temple and crafting and having fun, Collin was hanging with Frederick. I pumped a couple of bottles for him (and by the way, my left breast started hurting like heck two days ago!! not sure why! it feels better when I nurse or pump so I keep doing that...)

BUT so I figured that when I got home we'd clean up the house and then get working on MORE crafts (for Frederick's birthday). When I got home this is what I saw.....

He had cleaned the whole house and gotten all the crafts ready! Man oh man, what a guy!!!!!! During the temple the biggest impression I kept thinking about was that i need to be more patient with my dear dear dear Collin and Frederick (believe it or not, I can get really frustrated and take it out on them, which makes me really sad). There's no reason for me to get mad at them ever, so I'm going to try hard not to....I've already messed up, but I'll keep trying.

So a night of crafting began! Friend, Chelsea J, joined us.
 
 






Then we took a break, picked up Tanner J, and ate some delicious Cafe Rio. 

I think this picture deserves to be X-Large.



 

Found a pet store and loved some ridiculous cat stuff. 

 

THEN we crashed the Youth Stake Dance....(we were asked to help chaperon) but it was wicked awesome and I wicked embarrassed myself dancing like a wicked fool. I loved it.

My ADORABLE SON this morning before church!

 

Last ones....found this cute poster in the hallway at church. I love my husband. He's an active supportive amazing man husband & father. I just stared at him today, so grateful to be his wife, partner, and best friend.