Moving moving moving

Well, we are moving!!! So many thoughts and big big feelings. I'm so sad to leave my ward. I look around and these people have been my family for the past year. They are my neighbors and friends. I will keep in touch with many of them through social media, luckily, but it will be hard to not see them every day/week. And this beautiful chapel and ward building!!! What a blessing it has been. I remember our first Sunday here. We had just moved in the night before and were wrinkled and sleepy and so many people welcomed us. That night, the Bishop Garbett and Duran Lucas came and visited us. We felt so much peace and hat we were in the right place. The house we have lived in has been wonderful. It's cute and fun and has served every purpose. My children have been kept safe. We have enjoyed this beautiful neighborhood, walking to the temple and temple square all the time, seeing it every day. Waking up to the captiol building outside our windows and exploring the buildings and playing on the grass, and going to fun events like yoga and movies at the Capitol. We have loved being so close to Collins work and having him home so early.

We have a bucket list for the next week and a half to do all our favorite things and a few new things before we go.

I know God brought us to this area for a reason. 

We are so excited for our new opportunity and home in Sandy. We will have a big yard with trees and a garden and a neighborhood with tons of families and children. We will be within walking distance to two parks and close to a library. We will be farther than I'd like from Freddie's school and music school, but I have learned for myself that it is Gods will that we move to Sandy. I had to pray hard and then to God and let his will be my will.

This is what I read in answer to my prayers. I was wanting to be closer to the school and feeling the weight of moving... Feeling it was and would be too much work...I prayed for clarity. 

3 Nephi 27: (Christ talking to the Nephites)

11 But if it be not built upon my gospel, and is built upon the works of men, or upon the works of the devil, verily I say unto you they have joy in their works for a season, and by and by the end cometh, and they are hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence there is no return.

14 And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil--

I feel peace and excited about this change. I know it will be hard work to move and hard work to get my kids to all their activities and hard work to raise them in the gospel. But I know I must find joy in his season of my life. I am so blessed to have children to take to school. What a nice time we will have together traveling, talking, growing closer, eating, sharing, sleeping. I will try to stay positive!!!

Now to pack up our whole crazy house, change and set up utilities, changed our address everywhere, and MOVE. 

"Prone to leave that God I love."

Those lyrics get me weepy every time I hear them. This morning Collin had this song playing and I heard that line and was struck once again with the sentiment of it: that I am human and am constantly and inevitably messing up, rebelling. God is my father and I got a quick glimpse and reminder of how much he must have meant to me in the pre-earth life. I know I loved him then and I love him now. I have become quite close to him during this pregnancy, learning to rely on him more fully and go to him consistently and out of obedience more instead of only out of fear or needing something. He means so much to me. I love him. I love God, my father. 

Yet I leave him. I rebell. I yell; I forget; I offend; I don't hear or act. Things get in the way. 

It's emotional for me to think about. Probably even more so because if his endless forgiveness and unconditional love and arm outstretched to me.  

A conversation.

My life is a gift

My life has a plan

My life has a purpose 

In heaven it began

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth. 

I will follow God's plan for me 

Holding fast to his words and his light

I will work

I will pray

I will always walk in His ways

And I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.  

What does it mean to follow God's plan though? Trust him. Give up my will to his? No, allow my will to become His. I believe these words and even know they are true but it takes faith to act on them. To really trust and not be scared or not ask why why why? Or not get down when I should be up. I thought of some blessings do I'll write them down. 

The dark blue walls around me

The soothing warm water

My kids, both happy and healthy and good and smart and kind and creative and imaginative. 

They played in the dirt and got haircuts and lollipops and fell asleep on the way home. 

My best friend who truly cares. 

The red flowers that look like tulips but I'm not sure they are, popping up everywhere. The white and purple and blue and yellow and green flowers. 

We are starting our garden and growing peas, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, basil and a bunch of other herbs. 

Our home. 

A new baby journal to document every little thought and feeling with my new one. I've enjoyed making baby books for Hattie and Freddie and am excited to get to do it again. I print real photos and collage and write and write. 

My kitty cat. 

We got to watch a dog today and it was a total joy. 

The cherry blossoms. 

Being outside. 

Walking with or without shoes. 

The fact that it's possible that I can pray. 

I can have faith. 

I am not alone. 

Friends. Kids for my kids to play with. 

This little one so close to my heart. 

I must trust. And I do. 

The possibilities are endless. 

Because forever is real. It's longer than now. More permanent than now. More reliable than now. 

Lost and found

Weakness

Fear

Insecurity

Insecurities

Doubt

Sadness

Loneliness

Mistakes

Avoidance

Contention

Confrontation

Lies

Jealousy

Judgement

Embarrassment

Anger

Blame

Misunderstanding

Ignorance

These are among the many things I have or do or will struggle with in some big or small way or another in my life. The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows for healing, recognition, enlightenment, repentance and change. 

Freddie and I laid in his bed, speaking of the story of Jesus Christ last night. It's a lot for a little one to understand, so we keep it simple, but he voiced some of his concerns and fears to me and I did my best to listen and comfort and counsel him. It's hard when I myself have fears and am a little child, too, when it comes to knowledge and understanding in the great scheme of things. My finite mind does not comprehend the full magnitude or meaning of the atonement. Yet I as I couldn't sleep tonight, I read much of the story of Christ's last few days as a mortal man on this earth and found insights and comforts to certain and very specific issues and questions I have right now. 

That is a miracle to me-that though the atonement and resurrection are so big and so massively hard to comprehend to my small and inexperienced brain, I do have experience with it. It answers and corrects and connects even the seemingly smallest of things that are troubling me...that are of great emotion and fear to me. God loves me on a level I can't understand right now. He somehow knows me personally. He somehow hears and answers and guides me through every prayer and wish and doubt and need. And somehow Jesus Christ has felt every single sorrow and deep pain and loneliness of my heart. He is real. They are real, I know for sure. And all I can think to do is to learn of them, try to draw closer to them through obedience, which can be a daily struggle and success, to try my best to teach my children where to look for a remission of their sins, and to forgive and ask forgiveness of my partner each day. These things do not all come easily or naturally to me. But I feel I can do better with the knowledge I gain from gospel study and worship of God and the support I feel from the Savior. 

Happy Easter, today. I have found peace tonight and life, though somtimes seemingly dark, is bright and beautiful. 

Thirty-two

Another year older! 

I woke up this morning feeling so grateful for my family, my husband, my children, my cat, my home, the sunshine+bulbs popping up all over our yard, my unborn baby and all the wonder and beauty possibility coming to me. 

I went to choir today and was in awe of my little boy, 4 and a half years old this month, passing out books, helping, singing with another primary kid in front of us all. 

Then during sacrament both Freddie and Hattie were having a hard time, not listening, spilling food, laying in the aisles, and I worked with my partner the best we could to calm them, teach them, punish them!!!! (Haha for real....what to do when there are three??) 

We went through the meetings and I feel a sense of belonging, being needed and special, even in a group so diverse and talented. I was reminded that I know for sure that God knows me and hears and answers me and that we are here on this earth to take care of each other. 

After church we had a ward activity, a "linger longer potluck," where we all came together and ate and talked and laughed and got to know each other better. The kids ran around together in and outside. It felt like a real family. I was overwhelmed by my love for those people in my ward and for their love and concern for me and my family. It's so hard to miss my best friends and family from Phoenix and Florida---and whomever is reading this. It really is. But God expands me and my love and my ability to be loved. He provides opportunities for my social little family and helps us see now and again that we are good and he accepts our sacrifices and mistakes and attempts to have faith in his plan for us. 

And now, after a 2.5 hour family nap, it's time to get up and get ready for my family bday party. Yahoo! I haven't been eating any sugar or junk food at all and have been limiting my carbs and sugars etc but I'm totally having (just a little) bday cake and ice cream tonight! 😆😜💗🎉💗