The Johnsons

Trisha Johnson is a woman I have known and adored for almost 20 years. She's a mother and wife to a great family in my parents ward in mountain park ranch. My dad has been their home teacher for most of the time we have lived in phx. She has tried to set me up w guys, has supported me and given me advice and made me laugh and loved me. She's just younger than my parents but she's ageless because she's friend to everyone. She is the type that makes you feel amazing and loved and special and hilarious. You just want to be her best friend and you feel like you could open up to her about anything. 

About 10 years ago I was driving down the road when my dad called me and told me to pull over. I did and then he proceded to tell me that Trisha had a malignant brain tumor and was not expected to live through it. It was such a shock and so humbling. I loved and admired her so much. It was really hard to hear. Then came the prayers and fasting--ward, stake, families, friends, faith. So much faith. And miracles. She made it through and though the cancer keeps coming back, she continues to battle and survive! 

Then last week we got a phone call from her husband. Their son, Evan, 16 years old, had been experiencing some leg pain and after being examined, they found out he has an agressive tumor on his leg that is eating away at the bone and muscle. He got a biopsy done to see how dangerous it is but regardless, he will have chemotherapy starting next week. He is months older than Joseph. They are very close friends. I remember them running around together as little kids. Little blondies. And they would spike up his hair so big and it was adorable.  It just kills me. How does this sweet baby have cancer? And even worse---what Trisha and her husband must be going through, knowing what he's about to go through. They have tremendous faith. Tomorrow, Tuesday, we will be fasting as a family for him. We have been praying hard that everything will be ok. 

When I heard about this I cried and cried. It's so so sad. I prayed and asked why. And then immediately came.... they have the gospel. They are strong in their faith. That is all that matters because it overcomes everything. 

Then my mind quickly turned to dear dear friends who have decided to leave the church. Then I bawled. Really bawled. Why? Why why why???? It hurts so much. I ache in my heart and head and all over. I love them so much. But agency and faith and HOPE that they WILL return. 

Such an emotional afternoon. I know, though, that my Heavenly Father loves me very much and all his children. I know it will be ok and this life is not the end and that the Johnsons are sealed as a family forever. 

The days go quickly

The nights even faster

And my mind is jumbled

All I think about is these three and if they have everything they need, if im enough for them. 

Restless, cuddle up, startle, eat, calm, breathe, breathe heavily, grasp my fingers, slip off. 

Eyes closed, startle awake, then back to sleep. 

I can't multitask, but I can keep calm and do one thing at a time. Be patient. He does everything his own way, all by himself. He loves, imagines, innovates, instructs, learns. I can teach him to do anything, if I allow patience and put everything else down...those things that don't matter. And she is learning and watching every second. Today we changed the batteries to tickle me Elmo, step by step, and poured water into cups, and nursed off and on and off and on and slept at all different times. And watched and cheered as she pushed up and down and rolled and up on her knees then laughed and chewed all the toys. These are my days, these two, these three. 

Beastie or bestie?

Okay so when Hattie was born, Fred was probably thrown for a loop. He seemed to really like her or know he was supposed to but he had very little patience for this little being that was interfering greatly with the world as he knew it. She got to nurse all the time and be in mamas arms and he was supposed to be gentle w her when all he wanted was to see what happened if he poked her eyes really hard. He would sit on her, grab her, do the eye poking thing, wake her. There was a night or two under very stressful circumstances (definitely my fault for not giving him adequate attention and playtime) where he scratched up her face and made her bleed in 6-7 places....night of the Gilbert temple open house. It was horrific. She was weeks old. I slapped his hand and yelled at him. :( :( We would try time outs and talking about it and ignoring it and completely separating and helicopter parenting and letting him go to see if he'd back off. I was completely stressed out, worried, questioning everything, had read everything I could but it was so hard every day and I didn't know what to do. I felt regretful and guilty all the time. And even worse for feeling those things. It was like a crazy conundrum where i felt I had no choice but to neglect both of my kids. I wanted to get out of the house for my sanity and to give Fred lots of playtime exercise and interaction w people. Hattie needed to nurse and be held all day and it was so hard on her to be in the car seat so much so young or out at the loud park etc where it was uncomfortable to nurse when I knew she wanted to be in bed nursing and sleeping on my breast all day. But when we stayed home and did that, Fred would get bored and end up watching tons of tv---which I felt horrible about. I know everyone says it's normal and you have to do it etc but I feel so guilty having him watch tv. He's the type of kid that is so active and needs to be outside running and playing every day. So I felt like I couldn't find a balance between mothering a toddler and a newborn.  I was super emotional. And felt like such a failure. 

I had a friend tell me to give it 3-6 months before things got, "better." I didn't get it before but I do now. We have come a long way in the past 4 months (she turned 4 months yesterday, the 19th). He is so much more patient and gentle. He knows she's here to stay. He probably can't remember life without her. She also has grown and is stronger and able to handle more from him.  She is more patient. (Btw, She rolls over constantly and loves being on her tummy mostly till she's sick of it and then really wants for someone to come save her and hold her! So cute hehe.) While Fred still gets hyper and rolls over her and gets in her face a little and is still obsessed w her eyes, he doesn't poke them so hard, he loves her and tries to comfort her, helps me gently burp her, tells her "it's okay, Hattie." He (with my help) picks her up and lays her down slowly and carefully. He is mindful of her many times and tries to listen to me when I ask him to be careful w her.  And she totally adores him. She gets the biggest grin on her face when she catches any glimpse of him. 

Tonight was a little gigantic reward for us as parents. We were all in their floor bed, Hattie asleep, Fred getting ready to lay down himself, (they don't sleep together all night. We have her sleep in his bed--and check on her often--till we are ready to go to sleep and then grab her and bring her in bed w us). We were saying good night and trying to keep her asleep, when Fred announced that he wanted to "see Hattie," as he often does while she is sleeping!! I was hesitant but quickly repented. He quietly bent down and hugged her so softly and whispered to her, "you're my best friend." ((I'm getting teary just writing this!!)) Collin and I silently gasped and looked at each other, then back at them. He repeated himself a couple of times before he went over to his own side (diagonal from her on the bed) and laid down. Look, I'm not niave; I know this was a sweet moment and there will be many more accompanied by many many more crazy hard ones, but tonight this was just a sweet little Easter Eve gift, and it melted me into a sweet little bunny soup. 

Have you seen the Because of Him video on Mormon.org? Well go there and watch it. #Becauseofhim my family will be eternal forever. 

Babes in toy land

I've been behind in blogging lately. I'm still working on posts from the last few weeks. But this morning we are about to watch General Conference (lds.org) and I'm pretty happy and grateful feeling. I love this family of mine. I love our strange, sweet life together, our too small for us apartment, trying to keep up with dishes and laundry, getting outside as much as possible before the heat, making food, breastfeeding all day, two kids, adventures in being married to Collin, happiest baby Hattie smiles, trotro, kitties, babywearing, cosleeping, three oldest children living in one house head butting, my darling special son who radiates light to everyone he comes in contact with. I could go on. I'm feeling so blessed and positive. Yes we have our problems. But I will focus on the blessings. Happy general conference! (And here's to lots of projects around the apt today in between!)

Freddie loves me taking pictures of him with hattie!!!

An after life

'sometimes when I am alone I go into my bedroom and take off my shoes and look at my feet and think, "is it him?"'

-David Grossman, Falling out of Time.

This man is so insightful and has so much pain, wisdom, healing behind his words, yet he says he is a nonbeliever and that he cannot draw comfort from the idea of an afterlife. I can't understand this. 

Today at church I led the lesson in Mia Maids (young women ages 14-15) on the subject of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I felt deeply that I know that this is real- that our Savior is Jesus Christ and that he atoned and suffered for us and felt every pain, embarrassment, loneliness, and hurt from sin that we have and will feel. Then he sacrificed his life for us but after 3 days rose from the dead, his spirit and body reunited for forever. I know he did this and that we will also be resurrected someday, after we leave this world, and our bodies will be perfect. I know this means I will live forever with my family and friends if I am faithful. I know this means my Savior and Heavenly Father love me immensely. I know that I want to be more unselfish, more serving, more grateful, as Christ is. I find much hope in the thought of the life after this one. 

Stripes family!! (I think it's all we own)

Harriet Smith special day

Harriet Jillian smith was given a name and blessing by her father this past Sunday at church. It was a very special and beautiful day. I felt the spirit strongly testify to me that she is a daughter of God and has an important purpose on this earth. In the blessing, it was mentioned for her to be baptized, be married in the temple, and to serve a mission! That last one surprised me and my eyes filled with tears thinking of this strong, smart, determined little girl, grown into a woman someday. 

We had many friends and family join us for the celebration-and quite a few not members if our church, but there to support Hattie and us. It was overwhelming. It was a far drive and early in the morning for most and we felt very loved and blessed by their presence. 

And if you know us, you know we like to party and have lots if people in our home, so that's just what we did!!! We couldn't have done it without the major cleaning, cooking and crafty skills of Collin, his mom and dad, my mom, and even little Freddie (while I was nursing a babe nonstop and was able to do very little.) It was all VERY stress free and turned out so well--we had a full house! 

We decided to get our Valentines decorations started early with lots of photos of Hattie and our family. The theme was definitely LOVE! Most of these photos were taken by the amazingly talented Jayna Hedges (jaynahedges.com) I feel so blessed to have had her take many photos of our family over the years. 

Smiths become 4 (6 with kitties!!)

Well as you know, blog of mine, my estimated due date with this second pregnancy was December the 5th, and as you further know, estimated due dates are nuts and I don't care for them much at all! So Thursday December 19th marked 42 weeks gestation for us and it meant time to get to the hospital and get this baby born. I really didn't want to do that. I feel babies will come when they are ready and we had gotten 2 ultrasounds that measured the fluid levels, placenta quality, babe movement, heartbeat, etc and we got perfect scores both times. But the problem for the wonderful women at Blossom birth center was that starting at 39 weeks my blood pressure had been slightly high and had been climbing little by little. They had done preeclampsia tests, which came back negative and I felt like a million bucks, so I thought it was all kind of dramatic. They asked I be on bed rest till the babe was born. But by Wednesday the 18th, they asked us to eat a good dinner and go in to try some natural induction methods and have a baby.

Well that all got put on hold when I got there and my blood pressure was 160. I rested, they took it again; 130. But when if got up and did anything at all it would raise again. Meanwhile I was dialated to about a 6, super soft cervix, but the surges were just tightenings, hardly noticeable. I had not experienced anything with much feeling in general in the past 2 weeks so hopes of giving birth that night were low for me. Diane came in and gave me a pelvic massage, loosening up lots of muscles and tight spots. Finally, I took a bath to relax and they had me bear down a little to see if it would progress anything at all...but they took my BP and it was 180. 

"Time to go to the hospital." 

Mesa Christmas temple lights with my two best friends

I love being on the temple grounds with my family. Frederick and Collin and I loved the beautiful lights. They get better and better every year.

Declaration and thanksgiving

We are beloved spirit daughters of God, and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction. As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar. We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study.

Seek spiritual strength by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes.

Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood.

Delight in service and good works.

Love life and learning.

Stand for truth and righteousness.

Sustain the priesthood as the authority of God on earth.

Rejoice in the blessings of the temple, understand our divine destiny, and strive for exaltation.

(I memorized this as one of my personal progress value experiences and I think it's awesome.)

My blessings:

Family

I'm so grateful for my amazing eternal family. I love them!!! They make me so happy. I love you, Collin. I love you. I'm so grateful for general conference and the prophet and the personal revelation I'm receiving. I especially loved elder Dube's talk yesterday and learned what Heavenly Father wants me to hear in regards to my calling and relying on him.

The prophets words about his wife were heartbreaking, sincere & so full of hope. I love him and will follow him always. 

Florida in April

Collin and Frederick and I had the most incredible trip to Florida back in April and I was just realizing that we never blogged about it!!! So here are some pictures of the super fun time we had visiting with Collin's parents, brother, Ian and his wife Ashley and their 3...almost 4 children, his 3 grandparents, and my family from my mom's side who live in Florida. 

The plane trips were great. Freddie was happy, excited, hyper, but slept a TON. We weren't sure if he would nurse much (which has been a life saver on previuos trips) but he did, and rested well. There was this crazy little incident with a woman sitting next to us from AZ to our lay-over in Chicago wehre she flipped out at us and told us we thought we were SPECIAL because we had a baby (when we asked if we could go by her to use the bathroom once and then to stand up in the row in front of her as we were waiting to deboard the plane) and we and everyone around us were like...what the?????? HAHA! But now it's just a funny memory. 

these two..

my sweet sleeping angel...

First glimpses of Florida!!!! We were SO EXCITED!!!

Fred and Pops

Freddie and his BEST BUDDY EVER, his cousin Lincoln.

Cousins Lauren, Kate and Lincoln. There's nothing better than Fred spending time with his cousins. 

Happy birthday grandma Hermann. I love Collins hair in these shots. 

Buds

Beach time!!

Kate 

Lauren 

Fred you need some sunglasses or something. 

Beautiful Florida beach. 

I got do burned. :( :( and I put on sunblock!!

After-church photos 

4 generations of smith men

The gals. 

Love these guys. 

Forced cousins pictures always end in tears. 

Oh boy.... Don't worry; he didn't drink of drive. 

Loving life grandpa/ma smiths backyard in Lakeland. 

Garden party

A visit to Macintosh, fl to visit my aunt Susan's home. She and her husband, chuck were there along with robin, Austin, andy, Celia, Holden, blaire+gf, shanna, Doug, Eva, silus, susi, Ryan, Elliot, Cohen, laurel, Liz, rain, Ty, uncle Rick and aunt Jane!!!!! Did i forget anyone???? Collin and Ludona and I had a great time!!

Eating and announcing....that I was pregnant for the second time. 

So independent. Wanted ZERO help. 

Cats and stuff

Swimming. 

Playing. 

Selby Marie Botanicsl Gardens where Collin & I got engaged 5 years ago. 

Saying good bye. What a fantastic trip. We can't wait till January when mom and dad smith visit us after bean is born.  

Solemn. 

Hello again, desert.