Pregnancy with Babe 4

I haven’t written on here in a very long time, but I’ve been wanting to record some things with this pregnancy. I just reread the birth stories of my 3 children and feel so grateful and am looking forward to this upcoming birth.
It’s March 10, 2019, and I’m 20.5 weeks along. We have not yet hired a midwife. The midwife we had for our last birth, Jessica, is unavailable this summer, and we have interviewed several midwives and birth centers and have not felt the right fit with anyone quite yet. Though we are kept very busy at this time in our lives, we are constantly aware and thinking of this new little one coming to us. I do prenatal yoga and exercises at home with the girls 3-4 times a week, and Collin and I have been taking a Hypnobirthing class again, practicing and reading every day and night.
Joseph comes over every Thursday night to watch the kids while we are in our class. They LOVE it and have so much fun and go to sleep right away for him when it’s time. He does such a great job and we are SUPER grateful for his ability and willingness.
I have enjoyed meditating and taking time to connect with this babe.
It hasn’t been the smoothest road. Collin and I have experienced a lot of stresses together recently. I’ve been more emotional than ever during this pregnancy, but constantly getting better as we work through things, talk, make goals together, and love each other.
When I had Hattie and Ella, there were no kids in school, no actual commitments besides doctors appointments and library story times. The transition to having 3 kids was so huge, but we were able to stay home for a good 6 months before we were out and about with just the kids and me.
This time, the baby is due end of July to mid August. And then school starts at the end of August.  Fred will be 2nd grade, and Hattie, half day kindergarten! We’ve planned to have collin take Fred and hat in the mornings, and I have a friend with a daughter in Fred’s class and who will have a kindergatener next year as well, who lives pretty close to us. I’ll go get the Kinders at 12:15pm everyday and then the friend will get Fred and bring him home in the afternoons. There will also be piano lessons and let’s play music but it looks like it’s all going to work out. I have faith that it will because we have felt so strongly that we need to have this baby. And we are so excited to. We’ve wanted him or her for some time. I’m hoping to get help from the ward and neighbors in the first few weeks, and then have my mom come for the start of school for two or so weeks to help drive. Then....it’ll just all have to work out. The kids are so extremely excited and proud. They are so sweet with me and understanding.

When we told them, Fred just kept wanting to snuggle me. He will come up to me and snuggle and kiss my belly, so proud. He says, “I really hope it’s a brother, but I know it’ll be a girl.” I answer that it’s a 50/50 chance of having a boy or a girl. He says, “no, it’s a 50/40 chance,” (50% girl; 40% boy. 😂💕) He snuggles my belly and talks to the baby every night.
The other day I did the BEST pregnatal yoga stretches and Hattie massaged me the whole time! My legs, back, arms, neck. Very lightly, SO gentle and sweetly. She's so sweet. Ella tried to beat me up half the time so it all balances out. 😂🤪
Ella loves the baby too though. She is convinced the he or she is inside one of my breasts. She says, “baby going to come out and sit by me.” My milk has been gone since about 4-5 weeks ago and she hasn’t nursed in 3 weeks. She’s asked but I always change the subject because it’s too irritating right now. She’s usually fine to go get a snack together instead, but there has been once or twice where she’s just laid her head in my lap and sobbed. I love her so much. I would love to have her start again when the baby comes, but I’m wondering if she’ll forget how. It’ll all work out.
Each of the kids will be amazing siblings to this new one. I can’t wait to see them altogether.
I’ll start pregnatal yoga wth Alicia at Utah prenanttal yoga next week, and I can’t wait.
Next week I turn 35! I love being pregnant on my bday. It feel so special. I remember all the bdays I've been pregnant. Every one except Hattie, whom I got pregnant with ON my bday. (Or right about).
My 27th with Fred in DC. My mom and Joseph came out to visit on spring break. We went to mount Vernon and an Irish pub. Friends came over for cake. We had been trying to get pregnant with Hattie for a while and after March at turning 30, found out right on general conference Saturday that we were expecting her! With Ella, at our home on Capitol Hill, i turned 32, and we had a party with all the Nesbit family in Utah. It was so fun and after everyone left just the 4 smiths climbed the Capitol steps for a night time view of Salt Lake City.
I’ve been going to bed pretty early most nights. I feel very well. I get good sleep off and on depending on the kids and how they sleep usually. Some mornings I wake early and can’t fall back asleep like this morning. It’s quiet and a nice time to think. I have been reading the Book of Mormon again, this time paying attention to the parenting. This was the idea of Elder Ballard, who came and spoke to the young married couples in our stake recently. It’s been great. Fred and I also love to read a scripture about baptism almost every morning, in preparation for his own baptism. He simply cannot wait to be baptized. Collin and I try to study come follow me every morning and have been making efforts to study as a family too. There are great resources in this very inspired program. I feel very blessed and am trying to keep on top of it all.

Good morning.

I love this. It's incredible.

nursing, sleeping, night weaning!

For Fred's whole life he's pretty much woken up every 2 hours to nurse, which I NEVER minded before because we were co-sleeping (till he was a year, then he'd go to sleep in his room and sleep walk into ours) and he would nurse in his and MY sleep. I hardly noticed at all and never felt slept deprived...but then I got pregnant and my milk vanished and the nursing hurt like crap and rather than gulping it down for about 5 minutes he just sucked and sucked for an hour or MORE!!!!! ahhhh.

So suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. Suddenly we had to make changes. Luckily, because my milk was decreasing by the moment, I've never gone through painful engorgement even though this has happened pretty rapidly. A friend had sent me this article, and I really like how gentle it was when it came to co sleeping and night weaning and how seriously it took the emotional attachment of a long time nursing relationship. But I also liked how sympathetic he was to needing sleep!!

Collin and I read it over apart and then together. We made a game plan, and we started. I honestly never saw it working. I couldn't see Frederick, who pretty much loves to nurse more than anything in the world, going 7+ hours straight without nursing. But, he did. Since we started he has not nursed from 11pm-6am.  We thought it would be difficult because he has a floor bed and can come into our room freely, and I also thought he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without it but each time he came in, one of us picked him up, cuddled him, sang, laid him down and he went to sleep on his own within 5-15 minutes!!

We skipped the "nursing for a little while but not to sleep" because there's no way he'd ever stop. The first few days we gave him whole wheat tortilla and water, which he gobbled down vigorously. And MAN did he cry HARD. And it was definitely that ANGRY ANGRY cry. When I took him he wouldn't cry very much, just whimper cause I wouldn't let him nurse, but I was firm and consistent. I told him the milk was asleep at night from now on. It seemed to work. When Collin would take him, a couple of times he acted so mad that Collin was KEEPING him from his mommy! But he got over that. It was hard to hear him cry like that, and although I was used to no sleep, Collin had a bit of a hard time. But we stuck with it. After the first 4 days he wasn't really interested in the food part and would just drink. Then he would even deny that sometimes.

Now he goes from bedtime (about 7:30-8) to 6 or 7am without nursing. He does still wake 1-2 times per night, but he goes right back to sleep and we're working on it gradually. He's doing really great. He's just 1.5 years, after all! And Collin and I wonder WHO ever came up with the expectation of babies sleeping so perfectly so soon? I mean it's nice and all, but seriously, what adult doesn't wake now and then for a glass of water or to pee or because of a weird dream? And we have decades on them!!
Since I have no milk (it's turning into colostrum...AWESOME Kellymom article HERE). Fred is eating so much more regular food throughout the day. He nurses 1-2 times a day just for closeness, comfort, calm, familiar. And I love it. Life is good again.

It's good to see that everything we've done hasn't completely screwed him up...though I'm sure we'll make changes here and there with the next one. I know it's not for everyone, but we've loved co sleeping and nursing and how confident and independent while still appropriately attached to us it's helping him become. 

Now if only I could teach him to not throw food on the ground, spill every glass of water on PURPOSE, rip records out of their cases and climb up and mess with record player, terrorize the cats, slap and kick us or just teach myself to be patient with any of these!!!!!!!!! hehe. 

this that this

Playing at the park...throwing all the leaves away...why do we have just 3 months of cold weather and it's more like fall than winter? Phx is cra...

 

Applebees Nurse-in 2012

Look at me....quite the little activist, huh.
I don't mean to be. I don't want to alienate anyone from me.
I'm passionate about certain things, and enjoy connecting with others also passionate about them. But I don't think my way is the only way or even the best way. It's just the best way for Fred and Collin and me.

So here we are at the Applebees Nurse-in on Saturday September 29th. (It was NOT a protest against Applebees of any kind, but a peaceful rally, to unite nursing mothers and bring awareness that nursing in public is okay!!!)

Basically, earlier in September, a woman at an Applebees in Georgia was nursing her child, and was asked by the manager to go to the bathroom to do so, or to leave. There is a law in GA, (the same as there is in AZ), that women are allowed to breastfeed in any place where they are lawfully able to be. She patiently told this manager her rights and then the manager called the cops and humiliated her and her family. Of course, the cops sided with the nursing mother, but it was a very unfortunate situation that could have been avoided.

I don't mind boobs. I truly believe that they are made to nurse. I know my husband loves them too, for other reasons, but he also respects that they have a very important function: sustaining the life of our child. Unfortunately our world has sexualized breasts to the point of extreme discomfort for a lot of people when it comes to nursing.

Think about it....when a woman is wearing something low cut, or tight, or revealing or sheer, it's considered HOT. But a woman is feeding her child, a truly beautiful gift from God, and heaven forbid a little skin shows, and people freak out with disgust. When a mom is just doing her best to take care of her baby. Well I support mothers and families! Women are expected to go behind closed doors and alienate themselves (when they are at a potentially lonely and challenging time in their lives...hormones and hanging with a babe all day make a gal starved for adult interaction! I swear!) or to put a blanket over their baby's head. Some people can do that just fine and I think that's great and fully support it, but I tried. I promise. Fred HATED it. We were both trying to figure out nursing in the first few months and I was timid and self-conscious as it were. I wanted to be with everyone when we had dinner company or hung out with friends (you know how social Collin and I are!) and I'd finally get Fred latched on, and then cover him up with a blanket and he'd get so upset, unlatch, milk would be SPRAYING everywhere, mortifying me and everyone else, and I'd end up flashing everyone anyway. So I finally said, Enough! I'm just going to nurse! If people don't like it they don't have to look or like me. And I'm pretty discrete anyway....(I think so...haha I could be totally wrong though!!)

I get not wanting to see other people's breasts when it is in a sexual context...most movies and TV, but when nursing? It's feeding a child...It's good for him and for me. It makes me happy and him happy. The World Health Organization recommends nursing to 2 years (which is my goal, by the way; I recently decided that I plan to wean at 2 years because that's what I feel good about. Collin feels good about it. Fred?? Well I think he'd nurse till forever if he could! I respect everyone's decisions on length of nursing with what works for them and their families! Love love love la-la-love, la-la-love makes the world go round!

Anyway...I could go on all day. I love mothers. I love them whether they nurse or formula feed. I love them because I know that I'm just trying to do my best, and they are too and I respect that so much.
Here are some photos from our fun day of Nursing-in. The managers at the Applebees we went to were super nice. All the people walking in and out of the restaurant were kind and respectful, too. We sat outside the place for a few hours and then afterward all went in and got food.

 (and she really is so supportive. I'm blessed with insanely supportive family (immediate and in-laws alike). I'm so so blessed.)

 Emily with Charlie, my mom with Fred. (Charlie and Fred like each other)

 super fun rally friends!

 I love my husband!

(some other signs we had were "if nursing in public bothers you, you can go eat in the bathroom " or "...then you can put a blanket over your head." hehe.)

10 month old eve

Fred turns 10 months old tomorrow. What the!? When did that happen? Well apparently he has the ability to walk and has started to choose that over crawling more and more. He laughs at everything. He brings so much happiness to our family. He loves swimming and dancing and talking all day long. This is one active kid. He's so friendly with others, just like his daddy, who he, by the way, already idolizes. Fred likes to be a little naughty too. He loves to knock the kitties' water bowls over a million times a day; he is constantly trying to eat their food. He loves to pull out all the books and movies. He's helpful too! He pushes around the vacuum or follows me around while I'm vacuuming. I love this kid. He's my best friend (after Collin of course!) I can tell he loves me or at least likes me. haha. He still loves to nurse and I love it just as much. I love those big blue eyes staring up at me. We'll stare and stare until someone cracks a smile and milk goes everywhere. It's wonderful. (you've gotta be there??)

LOVE you, Frederick!!

If its not broken don't fix it.

We have co-slept since Frederick's birth and for me and all of us that has been how we have gotten the most sleep and have felt the safest. Just recently we have really made up the nursery and I started thinking that maybe it was time to have him sleep in his own bed. He naps in there but not through the night. It would be hard but we would try to have him sleep there. We'd (I'd) be consistent and after a while it (im not sure what exactly) would work. The problem: he still eats at night (and neither of us are interested in weaning any time soon). So he has to wake fully and cry hard to wake me (I would wake in seconds), completely out of it, stumble into his room and either nurse him there and fall asleep resulting in a hurt back and me not in my bed, which defeats the purpose, or I brought him in our bed. Either way he and I got very little sleep. And Collin too because I'd complain to him. A week and a half of no sleep and we both have gotten really cranky and I've been feeling some depression. I felt all wrong. I started over thinking everything and feeling very alone in every way. Then last night I went to a la leche league meeting and got some good advice. Nichelle, my doctor who delivered him, the lll leader, and several experienced moms asked, if it isn't broken why was i trying to fix it? If we all got plenty of sleep before, I had lots of energy, Fred was confident, growing and happy, i got along better with Collin because I wasn't passive-aggressively mad at him for being able to sleep through most anything, why was I trying to change things??? I realized I wasn't ready to stop co sleeping yet. And he definitely isn't. He is going through major separation anxiety right now. Only wants me. And instead of trying to get away from it I want to embrace it! Soon enough he will be older and excited about his own room and independence. He is majorly teething and growing like crazy. And he is eating all the time-not because he isn't getting enough but because he is working on major motor skills (he walked 3 steps in a row yesterday) and using every muscle all the time and is trying to get my milk supply up!
It is amazing to get some clarity and remember that I'm doing these things because they work for me and my family. I love support groups!

Blossoming moms

I love our blossoming mothers group. I'm surrounded by beautiful moms and their beautiful babes: breastfeeding, baby wearing, playing. We moms share stories and advice, ask questions, support each other, compliment each other. I don't feel odd or overweight or ugly. I feel important because I should. I'm doing something important. I feel empowered. It's fun for Frederick and me. Plus it's wonderful to be at Blossom Birth Center, where Freddie was born.

Its Wednesdays (except first Wed of the month) 11am-2pm @Blossom Birth Center. All moms (or expecting moms) welcome!

My mother. Breasts.

My sweet angel mother. She was diagnosed with breast cancer Thursday. Thursday was tears and thoughts of future and the shock of it all. Yesterday was learning to actually say it. Admit it. And yesterday was full of doctors, tests, knowledge, hope. The doctor is a man of faith, and believer in God. He prays before every surgery. He says God is the one in charge. They say they are going to cure my mom. Technology is a miracle these days. They will preform surgery to take out the cancer, then insert a balloon where the tissue was taken out. The radiation is inserted in the balloon for treatment twice a day for a week. That way only the effected areas receive radiation and studies say that 98% of the time if cancer comes back it comes back in the same spot.

Breasts. My life=breasts. Breast feeding. If you know me or spend time with me or read this blog you know that for the past 7 months it's what I've talked about, read about, and done all day (in many places during many activities). Breasts (breast milk) have fed my child, kept him alive and well for 7 months! It works!

Today we are going to the temple. We will find hope and peace and understanding. I know the plan of salvation is real and that we can be together with our families and love ones forever.