Oxytocin is awesome.

It really is. So many purposes and one of them is to blast a super happy feeling all throughout my body when I first start nursing. It's been stronger than ever this time around. When I finally lay down with Ella to nurse (after she's been showing lots of hunger signs, but waiting patiently while I finish up whatever I'm doing for the other kids or house or whatever as long as I'm holding her. She's been sucking her fingers and my neck for a few minutes now...) we snuggle tight and she's so giddy...a big giant dimply smile explodes on her beautiful soft face, I'm smiling so hard too and we stare into each other's eyes...those blueberry eyes!!  We latch and an overwhelming feeling of happiness come over me. Then compete relaxation and peace. We talk (her with her mouth full) and blink and slowly nod to sleep. 

nursing, sleeping, night weaning!

For Fred's whole life he's pretty much woken up every 2 hours to nurse, which I NEVER minded before because we were co-sleeping (till he was a year, then he'd go to sleep in his room and sleep walk into ours) and he would nurse in his and MY sleep. I hardly noticed at all and never felt slept deprived...but then I got pregnant and my milk vanished and the nursing hurt like crap and rather than gulping it down for about 5 minutes he just sucked and sucked for an hour or MORE!!!!! ahhhh.

So suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. Suddenly we had to make changes. Luckily, because my milk was decreasing by the moment, I've never gone through painful engorgement even though this has happened pretty rapidly. A friend had sent me this article, and I really like how gentle it was when it came to co sleeping and night weaning and how seriously it took the emotional attachment of a long time nursing relationship. But I also liked how sympathetic he was to needing sleep!!

Collin and I read it over apart and then together. We made a game plan, and we started. I honestly never saw it working. I couldn't see Frederick, who pretty much loves to nurse more than anything in the world, going 7+ hours straight without nursing. But, he did. Since we started he has not nursed from 11pm-6am.  We thought it would be difficult because he has a floor bed and can come into our room freely, and I also thought he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without it but each time he came in, one of us picked him up, cuddled him, sang, laid him down and he went to sleep on his own within 5-15 minutes!!

We skipped the "nursing for a little while but not to sleep" because there's no way he'd ever stop. The first few days we gave him whole wheat tortilla and water, which he gobbled down vigorously. And MAN did he cry HARD. And it was definitely that ANGRY ANGRY cry. When I took him he wouldn't cry very much, just whimper cause I wouldn't let him nurse, but I was firm and consistent. I told him the milk was asleep at night from now on. It seemed to work. When Collin would take him, a couple of times he acted so mad that Collin was KEEPING him from his mommy! But he got over that. It was hard to hear him cry like that, and although I was used to no sleep, Collin had a bit of a hard time. But we stuck with it. After the first 4 days he wasn't really interested in the food part and would just drink. Then he would even deny that sometimes.

Now he goes from bedtime (about 7:30-8) to 6 or 7am without nursing. He does still wake 1-2 times per night, but he goes right back to sleep and we're working on it gradually. He's doing really great. He's just 1.5 years, after all! And Collin and I wonder WHO ever came up with the expectation of babies sleeping so perfectly so soon? I mean it's nice and all, but seriously, what adult doesn't wake now and then for a glass of water or to pee or because of a weird dream? And we have decades on them!!
Since I have no milk (it's turning into colostrum...AWESOME Kellymom article HERE). Fred is eating so much more regular food throughout the day. He nurses 1-2 times a day just for closeness, comfort, calm, familiar. And I love it. Life is good again.

It's good to see that everything we've done hasn't completely screwed him up...though I'm sure we'll make changes here and there with the next one. I know it's not for everyone, but we've loved co sleeping and nursing and how confident and independent while still appropriately attached to us it's helping him become. 

Now if only I could teach him to not throw food on the ground, spill every glass of water on PURPOSE, rip records out of their cases and climb up and mess with record player, terrorize the cats, slap and kick us or just teach myself to be patient with any of these!!!!!!!!! hehe. 

Another, more successful try

Got up extra early
Plenty of time to get us all ready
Many prayers aloud and in my heart
Pleading for a heart to heal and comfort for us all. Peace.
Bye daddy, then lay back, close to me, all eyes shut, suck suck suck. I drifted off, only 10 minutes had passed.
It's time. Pack up, out the door, bites of muffin, on the road. The sidewalk. The road; there isn't sidewalk, explaining all the way.
Insuring
Promising
Preparing.
Through doors, early so I could play and show him it's fun. A few tears, but they stop because it IS fun and Candy, the babysitter, is nice. We play basketball. Happy!
Its time.
Hug, kiss, vain reassurance, then gone, left, out, behind, alone.
Class starts,

breathing
Deeply
In
Out
Familiar
Lay down
Balance
breathe
Struggle
Sweat

It's been too long
My mind is free
Everything weighing so heavily lifts from my soul, heart, brain, up my throat, stinging, almost crying.
Then calm. Peace. Hard work. Why did I leave you?
Good.
Done.
Back to my world. Hugs. Mine eager; his tearful.
United
Home
Suck suck suck. Eyes drifting. Breath slowing.

I E I will always love you!!!

Love is a many splendored thing! Love lifts us up where we belong! All you need is love!!!

Happy happy Valentines day!! Growing up my mom always made a big deal on valentines: cards for everyone, decorating the table and house with hearts-galore, heart-shaped pancakes, meatloaf, potatoes, etc. In high school I didn't date much so Valentines day was a day for LOVED ones: dear friends and family. We would shower each other with pink tulips, chocolate, treats, cards, and glitter. (Or maybe not glitter but you get it. This is the girliest I ever was.) now that I'm married to the man of my dreams, I get to be super gushy romantic too. And I got Fred started early as he glued a million paper hearts on a card and let me trace his hand for Collin, and enjoyed a few suckers and sugars cookies himself. I love love! Happy Valentines Day, all!! 

 

 

 

and some oldies circa 2009...

Love, right now, is me changing a super stinky poop diaper even though I really don wanna.

What a morning.

So I joined a gym! And today I took a Zumba class which means Fred had his first day in the kids club. He cried hard. It was hard on me. They said he would settle down but every time a parent would open the door to drop off their child, he would start crying again. It was hard but after a lot of reading, advice from experienced moms, child care attendees and breastfeeding groups, talks with Collin and PRAYERS, I do believe that he will be okay and that it won't be a damaging traumatic experience in the long run. It's not the same thing as leaving him alone in the dark to "cry it out." There were sweet women who were holding him and comforting him. This will be good practice for going into nursery next month at church.

Frederick goes to the Dentist!!

Fredrick had his first trip to the dentist this month. I'd been told to take him when he got his first teeth and since he had 13 (and now 15!!!) I figured it was about time. The office, Phoenix Pediatric Dental, was so cute; the staff so friendly!! Frederick was so good. They put super little ones in their own room in case they scream bloody murder but Fred didn't need it. He didn't even shed a tear! The technician and dentist were both so sweet and gentle with him and let me hold him while they checked his teeth. After just a few minutes he felt super comfortable being his happy silly self. The verdict: his teeth look amazing and very healthy! We are going to continue to brush every day! Something else I loved about the place: the dentist was a huge advocate for breastfeeding! When told that Fred was still nursing he said that is great and to continue it for as long as we desire. There are natural sugars present in breast milk, but they aren't potentially harmful to teeth until combined with other foods (which didn't start till 6 months) and then if he nurses to sleep I can just take a little wet cloth and wipe off the upper front teeth. Got it, D!! See you in 6 months!

Oh yeah! And if you go there, tell them I referred you and ill get a free movie pass!! ;)

Mongolia

Here is a beautiful and interesting article about a mother's experience breastfeeding in Mongolia.

Breastfeeding in the land of Genghis Khan

It helped remind me that what my instincts are telling me is a normal thing. I loved the part on westerners' views of independence.

I don't understand why breastfeeding is such an uncomfortable thing for people. (Myself included! Before I had Freddie I had a friend say she was going to nurse her daughter till at least two and I was, I'm saddened to say, weirded out!!! I only hope and pray that I didn't discourage her or make her feel alienated in any way.) I was recently told that breastfeeding in public is not modest and that I should be aware of the religious consequences it would bring. But if God created me and created my breasts to fill with milk to sustain my baby's life, and if being a mother is my divine roll and the most important thing I will ever do, all things I believe with my whole heart, then what's the problem if I nurse my child in public, while living my life, making it easier on me, my child, family, friends? It raises my mental health by keeping me surrounded by people, allowing me to be out and about, helping me feel less lonely and strange, something most mothers experience after having a child. What's the problem if you see a little boob while a sweet mother, doing her best, tries to latch her baby or keep the interest of her hungry, yet distracted toddler? It's just a boob!!!!!!! Really!!!!!! I don't understand why it's considered not keeping private. Im feeding a human being!!!!! It is normal!!!! When breasts are used in pornography, or even just regular tv these days, to promote sex, then yes, that is inappropriate! that is degrading! It has the potential to break up families. And in some instances, that is considered okay, hot, praised. Geeez, what a backwards world we live it. Happily, I think our world is becoming more open and people becoming more educated and understanding that their way is not the only way (once again, including me! I do not think my way of parenting is the only way....it's the best way I know how for me and my son and my family; and it's my life, to try, learn, and grow. And I respect others to do as they feel is the best way.)
I think many people are much more open to possibilities and differences these days. Honestly, in public I've gotten nothing but Love from other moms/dads offering help or encouragement, sharing a story of their breastfeeding days. Its only on Facebook, behind the computer screen that people feel the need, (nay, the duty!) to put me in my place. Ha, oh well; that is their prerogative! I'm just an advocate for the breast, and the right to feed in public and not feel embarrassed or ashamed or alone, and also for the invigoration of doing what you need to do, what you were made to do, without a thought, anywhere you are, while satisfying a fundamental need and sustaining life.

Little clothes

Pulled out a large bin of tiny clothes from the past 16 months. Checking the size, folding, smelling, smiling, remembering a tiny squishy babe. How could he have ever fit in these? And I find myself wishing I could do it over, just to experience it again and not take anything for granted.

I want another baby now. I'm ready when God is ready. But I will never again have only one tiny newborn, who I can give all of myself to. I start missing Baby Frederick so badly, but wait! He's in the other room, sleeping! And he needs me more than ever--right now!!

***Disclaimer****

Frederick is not potty-trained, and is not being potty-train. The above scene was a funny time when Fred peed on the floor and Collin sat him on the toilet. It was so funny that I took a picture.

Together again; together forever

Collin spent most of this week in Las Vegas at the amazing humongous CES conference. (More about that here.)
While I know he missed us and we missed him like nutballs, I'm so glad he got the awesome opportunity to see some sweet technology, meet great contacts and cool cats and eat at Fleur by Hubert Keller. (lucky dog.)
We kept busy by visiting family and playing outside a ton in the gorgeous foggy overcast weather.
Now I'm just glad CS is home and my boys are snoring next to me. I love those dudes. They had the best reunion ever!!!!! Fred just got giddy as if he were "tickled pink," and then started laughing hysterically like a madman and hugging and kissing commenced.
Then...playing in Fred's room and telling every single intricate detail of each of our weeks (which I loved)...having dinner...(trying to) play guitar hero (w a toddler) is impossible but still fun...watching the Bachelor (I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH!) and eating grilled cheese and tomato soup.

The district sleeps alone tonight

Fred's sleep. Thus far I've tried to be pretty instinctual. I let him sleep when he is tired. I look for cues to know when this is. And he has fallen into his own routines and has remained happy and healthy. He can fall asleep wherever if we are out-day or night-or is happy and well-mannered while awake. He has gone in and out of phases of lots of naps to to 2 to 3 and now seems to be moving toward one long one in the middle of the day. He has gone from going to sleep at night at 6-7 then 8-9 and in the last month around 10 or later (please don't judge me!) This is good and bad. Good cause it means we can go do stuff at night and he doesn't have meltdowns but bad because--he's up! We have to entertain him and keep him out of trouble. We get very little alone or adult time. ETC.
But two nights ago at 6pm he showed tired cues and I went with it! He was asleep within minutes! And we were like....what now!!?? Ah it was awesome. Then last night he went down around 7. It took a little longer to get him to sleep but he was certainly tired and afterward we cleaned, walked around the complex and looked at Christmas lights holding hands(!!!!!) took a long bath with our Lush bath bomb and had adult time. It was so so great. We also got to bed earlier than usual. I can definitely get used to that. Although a con was that Fred woke up around 5:30am and wouldn't go back to sleep. We usually wake at about 8:30 or so- he sleeps as long as I do and I need my sleep in the morning. But thank goodness for a baby proofed room and a floor bed. I locked us both in and slept on his bed while he played and i left boob out and ready for him if he needed. Ha! Sleeeeeep.

This morning

Just reading and saying, "bubble," and "doctor," and learning to clap!! Chicka Chicka Boom Boom!!!!!!

Jaime Grumet speaks out!

Remember that controversial Time magazine cover this past May with the mother breastfeeding her 3-year-old? This is that mother's response to the backlash. Time mag basically called her and other well-known nursing, attachment parenting, blogging, moms up and told them that they wanted to interview and photograph them for the 20th anniversary of Dr. Sears', The Baby Book. She didn't know they were going to flip that and misrepresent attachment parenting, Dr. Sears, The Baby Book and Jaime Grumet herself by choosing the least loving photo (which Jaime said was taken when a "break" was called) and slapping on the cover, "ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH?" alienating any moms who don't nurse or nurse extendedly. She, like I, believes that mothers do what hey have to and that we all need to unite and respect each other no matter what. 

With love. Check it out.

Pathways Magazine