When Frederick was newborn I would nurse him at night and I would walk around and I can't now remember if it was really necessary or if I just thought it was. He's my first born and always will be. Everything we experience with him will be completely new to us. That's scary and wonderful all at once. With Hattie, we're more relaxed and confident. We know that if she hits someone, it'll be okay, she'll grow out of it. My kids are growing up!!!! Its' breath-taking.

I want to give my children a mother who says, "I am beautiful" and not "I need to lose weight." I want to point out the beauty in things and people, instead of criticizing. I want to be happy and comfortable with myself and my body and I want to take care of it so that I can always play. When Frederick is frustrated I want to drop everything and make him laugh. When Hattie is crying and flailing I want to drop everything and hold and comfort her.

I want to protect my nestlings.

This afternoon:
Driving somewhere again. It's always, "get in the car," with me. It's my go-to move when we're all bored or antsy or driving each other nuts. Solution is to get OUT. to the park to run errands, to a store. It always helps w my kids to change the scenery.

Drove around in circles over and over wih Frederick on my lap, steering, in the library parking lot.
"You'd better turn so you don't crash!"
"Left!"
"Mom, when are we going to crash?"
"Never, I hope!"
Back in his seat, all buckled in. Thanks, you good boy!!!!

We don't get into the library. It's supposed to be open, but it's not. We have to get our prizes for the spring reading program!!! We did it so we have to! Tomorrow's the last day. The last day!!! I'll pop over on our way to Emily's.

Anyway so onto Target. Tried on swimsuits. I love sticking to a budget. I love getting cash out and having limits. And staying within them. Popcorn, buckled into giant carts. Hattie is the hard one! It's funny to me!! Got what we needed and shopped for the kids and a friend having a baby. I tried stuff on the kids and they picked. They giggled and ran from me. Freddie helped me get hattie back.

We were so charming in the check out line but freddie still managed to lose one of Freddie's shoes!

With the lovely Valentina!

And just like that, my first child grew up.

Well of course this isn't 100% true...he's still just 3 and needs me in many ways. But he lets go little by little and than suddenly quickly at times! He weaned from breastfeeding and dresses himself (I have always had to fight him in getting him dressed. This is a huge help!!) and he also buckles himself into his car seat completely all the time, now in the past few days!!!! It's so wonderful and amazing, his being my first born forever and that he will always be the one that everything is exciting and nerve-wracking and emotional. Experiences w hattie are typically more laid back because we've  survived them and know it'll all work out for the most part. Plus she is just a more independent daring little kid. 

Speaking of doing things on her own, Hattie and i do our little routine before bed and I always say a little quick prayer w her...but the past few nights I just ask her to repeat me and she does!!!! It's so sweet!!!! She folds her arms by holding one wrist with a circled hand and repeats "fodder," "wucom(welcome, which is thank you for her)" "faye(freddie)" "daddy" "mama" "hattie (pronounces her name very well with hard Ts)" "pees" "gama" "papa" "you you (lulu)" "pops" "gegus christ aman"

Who that's crazy how I did that but it's so crazy cute. 

I love putting my kids to sleep. At times im tired and don't feel like taking the time it takes but I really love it usually and tonight I was especially appriciative of it. I held and kissed and rocked fred in the rocking chair and then stood and held him and sang him my favorite song (Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?) and then lay him down in his bed and he protests and I tell him he has to and then I sit and hold his hand or rub his back and he falls asleep within 10 minutes usually. It's so sweet. I listen and wait and can hear him breathing heavily. 

A little reflection pond dipping of the toes

Dying eggs

They aren't the prettiest but I love them.

Ready for summer 

BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!!

This is the month of all months!

I turned 31 on Friday the 13th!!!
Freddie's half birthday was yesterday, the 18th, making him 3.5 years old!!!!!! We made him a peanut butter crunch marshmallow treat w a candle and sang to him. He LOVED it. He's really really developing emotionally. He melts my heart daily. He...weaned. It's over. I want to cry about it. I'm so sad but know it's so right now. He's doing really well. He asks for it now and again...but it's not the same as before. It was desperate and stressed. But now it's just when he's kind of sleepy and out of it in the morning or after nap and he gets over it fast. I love him more than ever and we are bonding in other ways. It definitely feels like loss though and im so grateful to still be nursing Hattie. I have LOVED my breastfeeding relationship with Frederick over the past 3.5 years and will cherish it forever. Freddie is doing so so well in primary now!! He had a rough first few months but loves it now. He really loves singing time so much, and loves telling everyone that "he feels his Savior's love when he shares with his sister!" (And then gets to put a chocolate in another container or something!!)
Hattie turned 15 months today, the 19th!!!! Ah my babies are growing up so fast!! Hattie talks SO MUCH and is so physical and happy and smart and beautiful inside and out!!! I'm so proud of her and feel eternally lucky to be her mama. She is her OWN PERSON and let's us all know it. She walks around church in every meeting and says hi to everyone. I let her go free because she always comes back and is pretty well-behaved. I usually have to take her out of relief society 3rd hour because by then she'd had enough and wants to tell us ALL ABOUT IT! Everyone is so sweet and supportive of my family and me. I asked if a certain activity had a nursery or if kids could come and I was told I should ALWAYS feel comfortable bringing my kids to every activity and everyone gave me lots of encouragement and said my kids are cute hehe.
Little kitty Dot beautiful girl has a birthday on the 22nd! She will be 4!! We adore her so much and she is so so good to us. She comes on walks w us, sleeps in our family bed, (right on my chest!), and is a mama cat to the kids.
Collin!!!! My honey bug lover is turning 34 this month on the 26th!!! CANT WAIT! He will get his own post any day now. He is my partner and best friend and I couldn't live this life without him.

Gotta go to Costco! Bye!
I love spring!!!! In Arizona!!!

Sleep positions

Collin and I came into our room to go to sleep and found these adorable honeys snoozing so cute. We just love em so much. 

Hattie, queen of the California king!

And freddie, full house (bed), snuggling his beloved Gummy Vitamins so tightly. More on this later. 

park time park

We love going to the park. Every day, any day. We love meeting friends there too! Here we are with good friends, Mason, Linley (their mama, Kim) Woodbury. Hattie and Linley are pretty much indifferent towards each other. This pic is my favorite of them ever, hehe. Perfect. And Mason and Fred are best friends. Love these kids. Love Kim so much!! And of course, we love this beautiful warm AZ winter weather.

PAST bdays of nems

It's March. The air is getting ever warmer and blowier. Things are all coming to life. I feel motivated and moved and like ordering fish and chips and shamrock shakes and as if I'm getting older. I grow so nostalgic this time of year. I don't long for days past in anyway besides how skinny I was (and not really even that, but REALLY?!!!) but I love looking back on those days. I was so awkward and inexperienced and invincible!!! I found myself looking at photos and blog/livejournal/facebook posts from Marches past and wanted to post some of them here. Haha!! So funny...and sometimes not so! The furthest back I've been documenting myself online is about 2003, but I found photos from since about 2005. It's strange to think of a world without instagram, facebook, or even cell phones...but it's true....you robot children and grandchildren, you.

Well here it starts...and mind you, these are random and out of context...but a photo of me on my birthday that year!!!! And those....these(!!!) bangs!!!

2005. 10 years ago. I was 21 that day.

Hattie's FIRST birthday

I realized I never posted about my daughter, Harriet Jillian's FIRST BIRTHDAY Party!!

We had a very feminine frilly tea party in the garden, and it was everything we hoped it would be. Collin and I love parties. We love going to them and having them and planning them!!! Sure, things can get stressful here and there, but with each one we get better and better at figuring it all out and making things run more smoothly. We've recently discovered The Alison Show and love her and her blog and her cookies and her dance parties. Also, she's a PRO at planning and throwing parties and gives awesome ideas and tips on throwing them. We took her online cookie course and Cookie Party post of ours coming soon, BY THE WAY.

So back to our angel, Hattie. She turned ONE YEAR OLD! It was one year (plus a few months now) ago that I held her in my arms for the first time after the fastest and most intense darn delivery in the history of TIME (in my opinion), a year since she first latched and nursed, a year since she first STARTED pooping all over the place. I love that little honey. She had challenged me and empowered me. She LOVES Fred and Collin with all her heart. Oh and Dot the kitty, too! LOVES HER. She's one of the happiest and most emotional children I've ever known. A true daughter of mine. She's tall and strong and smart and talks and walks and runs away from me as defiantly as possible!!!! She has her own ideas about the way things should go, just like the rest of us Smiths, and she has no problem stating her opinion, LOUDLY. I love her assertive, kind, happy nature and her passionate, loving sweetness. She'll hit freddie on the head and then tenderly hug and kiss (MWAH!) and say "sayeee" (sorry.) What a GAL, that Hattie Hat! She's a special soul, that darling.

Here are some photos of the day we celebrated her year of life (and our getting through it!!) taken by the amazingly brilliant dear dear friend of mine (for almost 20 years!), Jayna of Jayna Hedges Photography!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you, Jayna!!!

life lately

Freddie started Primary and Sunbeams! The weeks leading up to the change were looking great. He was excited. His nursery teachers said he was "so ready!" He went in to Primary a few times and loved it. Then the big day came and he was ALSO asked to give a talk on his very first day! It went great! It was about how God is the father of our spirits and he was super cute and only got nervous once and had me deliver a line, but then did the rest himself. BUT THEN....the next week came and he FREAKED out. and with each week it got worse and worse and worse... it was breaking my heart. He would cry and tell us he didn't want to go to church or primary or sunbeams and said he didn't want us to leave him and that he didn't like his teacher. (It didn't help that he had a different teacher every time for a few weeks while they sorted things out and that the teachers were never sitting there when he got into primary..but I know how hard it all is so I don't fault anyone!!) He went through something similar to this when he first started nursery though, and after a few hard months, he became a pro. So we stuck with it. Week after week it got harder and harder to leave him though and once I just stayed with him the whole time. And then the next week I was ready to leave him but was asked to stay and sit with his class as the teacher was not able to be there. That was horrible because Collin was home with the flu and Hattie was going nuts. I was honestly about to leave church and stay home till they graduate but I stayed and stuck it out and was blessed. He had a breakthrough. The primary chorister is so sweet and came out in the hall, where we were, and said she had a special job for him and that she didn't want him to miss it. He stopped crying, took her hand, and went in! And again the next two weeks, he went right in without being upset!!!! They got all the teacher stuff worked out and it's been consistent for a few weeks now, too. I couldn't feel more happy or blessed. I had been praying hard that it would work out and that Fred would feel happy and confident and I feel like my decision to stay at church that day when ALMOST all hope was lost, was a huge turning point. I know I made the right choice. It's hard to have little kids at church and sometimes it seems pointless, but I know it's important. I know Heavenly Father is aware of me and loves and blesses me. uggg...remind me of this when Hattie goes into nursery in a few months.....

lots of walks through the neighborhood. Sometimes it's like this and sometimes these two are running wild through the streets. I love our double stroller.

Collin and I have been attending the temple. One of us goes in and the other stays at the temple with the kids or at home. I got to go to the Gilbert temple for the first time (besides the open house) and do sealings. It was such an incredible experience. I felt the Lord strongly call me to repentance and that I am not living up to my potential. I need to pray more...and not just go through the motions, but actually have a conversation with my Father in Heaven. Talk to him and trust him. I have felt my marriage strengthen as I have tried to do this. And then Collin went away on business for a while and I let it all go, and let loneliness, insecurities, and fear creep in. So time to regroup and try again.


pottys in our house. Everywhere. We had to order another for Hattie because she loves to sit on Freddie's and they kept fighting over it. (we AREN'T potty training her by any means....just like having pottys for them to sit on and develop a positive relationship with while they are little.) Thank goodness for this $7 potty on amazon..and free 2-day shipping...and AJ Money's account.... :)


 

HE DOES EAT....now and again....


Lots of fun stuff at the Children's Museum of Phoenix

Very dear friend, Carla Frick, got baptized last month! It was a beautiful day!!!

We got a rocking chair. $30 from criagslist. I love it.

FHE, Uncle Jojo's basketball games, parks and heart museum

Work trips for Daddy all over the country. Collin now manages the social media for the AAA Delaware region. He is blessed with awesome coworkers.

we are so glad when he's back!!!