School is out for SUMMER!

After the most different school year of our lives, including 12 weeks of distance learning at home, the kids are done and school is out for summer. Hattie finished kindergarten and is now a 1st grader. Fred finished 2nd grade and is now a 3rd grader. Ella will begin her preschool year. We don’t know what school in the fall will look like. We don’t know if they will start with distance learning again, go with major restrictions, part time, or if everything will be completely back to normal. We can’t know for a while. I am so proud of them and all their work. They did work hard. I am honored that I got to experience it along side them. There were hard and frustrating days, and many rewarding, good days. There was about a week that we didn’t finish most or any of the work, but we did finish almost all of it. And there was a LOT. BUT it was all so valuable. There were some people saying we shouldn’t force school and that the stress wasn’t worth it, and I did keep that in mind. Though there were some stressful times, I felt strongly that my kids needed to do as much of the schooling that they could, that I could guide them, that it would bless their lives and give them and me guidance and purpose during this global pandemic. It has. I feel so much accomplishment and it did bless our lives as we found our rhythm together and worked at our goals every day. The Holy Ghost guided me through this school year the whole time. 

This was the rhythm that we settled on that worked best for us (after much trial and error!!) 

Wake

Breakfast and scriptures

Exercise (eye of the tiger!)

Get dressed/ready (there was always a day or two a week that we stayed in our PJs all day)

School time Fred and Hattie while I nursed Annette to sleep on the couch for her first nap and Ella would do trues school with her)

Lunch

Outside play until dinner time 

(At 2pm if we didn’t finish all of school and music there Was time to work on that)

Dinner

Chores

Family walk

Bedtime

Looking back, this has been some of the best times our family has ever had. Collin would be working all day and would usually make lunch and dinner. 

Happy summer!!!

Stages: womanhood, motherhood

The idea of not having another baby again
Of not having another one to wear all the little tiny clothes my babies have worn
Of there being a time when I’m not nursing
Not co sleeping
Not holding a baby at almost all times
Not having those tiny deep eyes, staring up at me,
Needing me,
Seeing me,
his or her world.

The idea of us all growing, older, growing up, growing past my child-bearing years
Brings so much painful, gut-wrenching, terrifying, lonely, useless, left behind and unexplainable emotions.
It’s always there, gnawing at me, breaking my heart. Reminding me that I want to know but that I don’t. But I do have those eyes. I have them now and they are tiny. So small and needy. Unconditionally, powerfully, perfectly loving.
Given to me for forever. I have a small baby. And she needs me.
I have a wonderful, maddeningly creative, funny, confident 3 year old, and she needs me. I have a sensitive, brave, giving, friendly, special 6 year old and she needs me. I have a smart, cool, daring, kind, growing 8 year old...who will be 9 this year. And 10 next year. And he needs me.




I am satisfied.




I am grateful. They need me and I need to be there for them. I have them. Now. They are right here in front of me.

When I look into their eyes, especially the littlest, the 6 month old, I can’t help but welling up with tears and feeling like I’m mourning something. That I might not remember this moment we are sharing. But I know now; it’s my love. I love motherhood. I love having babies and children. My emotions are so big for them that it’s hard to articulate. But someday when they are grown or even when I just don’t have a little baby anymore I’ll say,

“I miss having little babies. It makes me sad sometimes.
But I love who they are now!!“


And right now, for just a little while, and believe me, I know how fast it goes. Right now, I do have a little baby!!!!!!! Yahoo!!!

It has been 11 weeks that I’m a mama of 4. Well, in a few minutes. (It’s 5:26am). The past 11 weeks has gone by fast but has also gone slowly. I had soaked up every part of you, Annette Jolie, who is even more beautiful than your name. I have held you, and have been thoughtful. I have been blessed with guidance and patience from the Holy Ghost. I have grown closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father and Mother. I have realized things about myself I never knew. I have been supported and cared for, encouraged, lifted, loved by Collin, Frederick, Harriet, Ella, my mother, my father, my mother and father in law, more family and friends. I have been healing physically and emotionally. I am stronger. I can breastfeed a baby, give attention to kids after school, make lunches and breaskfasts and dinners, read to, listen to, can care for four children. I can sleep and wake and sleep and wake and sleep and wake. Day in and out. I can make it through a 3 year olds tantrums with patience and loving I gnoring. I can teach my children to do chores, and about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can read my personal scriptures and study come follow me every morning. I can follow the prophet and have faith in him and in Jesus Christ and His church. I can prepare my children for baptism and lives of service. I can write letters to my brother on his mission. I can prioritize. I can try to get through insecurities. I can be strong for myself. I can be confident in who I am. I can pet and feed a kitty. I can play music and sing halloween songs. I can help my children with their music practice. I could go on and on.

It took me a week to post this. HAHA!

This is my morning every day...

To Freddie, To Hattie, To Ella, To Annie

I can feel a difference.
Today, a difference:
all of us, in our tents,
fearing god like a mistress.

We lay on the rocks, in the sun,
watching you and your mama row in,
I sat up and blinked,
when you appeared,
so pale you were nearly clear!

Later, I stumbled to my bed,
all alone in the branches.
I lay in the dark,
thinking about all of my friends,
and their changes.

And I do not know
if you know just what you have done.
You are the sweetest one
I have ever laid my eyes upon.

It's a beautiful town,
with the rain coming down.
Blackberry, rosemary,
jimmy-crack-corn.
You've got the run of the place,
now that you're running around;
and may kindness,
kindness, kindness abound.

In this hour of our lives--
hour of effortless plenty--
how do we know
which parts of our hearts want what,
with such base generosity?

Taking so many photographs--
so amazed!--
we've never seen a baby so newlyborn.
And, when the bulbs do flash,
as bright as morning,
the crowd keeps on gathering
like an electric storm.

The phantom of love
moves among us at will.
Each phantom-limb lost,
has got an angel
(so confused,
like the wagging bobbed-tail
of a bulldog):
kindness, kindness prevails.

Kindness prevails!
Ties and rails fall into line,
bearing kindness.
Where will you go, if not here?
What will you say,
when you write to us?

This is a world of terrible hardship,
everywhere,
and I search for words
to set you at ease.
But there, in the looking-glass,
a kite is soaring,
stilling my warring heart
and my trembling knees.

Clean as a breeze,
bright as the day:
all of the people gather to say:
"Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!"

I believe love will always surround you--
brave as a bear,
with a heart rare and true.
But if you are scared,
if you are blue,
I have prepared this small song for you:
Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!

-By: Joanna Newsome

Ella Claire turned 3 years old today!!!

Our ELLA is now 3 years old. The older kids have been excited about it for days. Ella has never been one to enjoy the spotlight or very much attention-especially from people outside of our family. So leading up to today she’s denied it but today she has embraced it. She loved getting gifts this morning- my little ponies, drawings from her siblings, and eating a yummy breakfast while listening to fun music together as a family. She loves to sing and shake her booty.

After sending Fred and Collin off and then dropping Hattie at preschool we went to her pediatrician for her 3 year check up where Dr. Cox called her perfect. Because her bday was TODAY she got to pick out a treasure and chose a rubiks cub. Then we rushed over to the library for our Tuesday “snuggle up together” story time for just Ella and Mommy. It was so fun and wonderful. We have really grown to love our few hours a week together when it’s just us.

Ella is a strong, sweet, smart, firey, lovely girl. She’s so funny and loves to laugh and tell jokes and make others laugh. She loves to play with her brother and sister. She and Collin have such a strong bond. She talks to the baby in my tummy every day and I know they are going to have a special bond too. She is growing and learning so much. She surprises me daily with words she knows. She is getting really good at going potty. She loves to swing on our swings outside, ride bikes, and just be outside at all times. We are loving the beautiful warm spring weather after the long dark cold winter we’ve had. Freddie gives her piggy back rides all over and she and Hattie play princesses and sisters and mothers together. I’m grateful and humbled to be her mother and try my best to love and teach her everyday.

She has such a strong testimony of prayer. She loves to pray (at every meal!!) and everytime we lose something or have a trouble she immediately folds her arms, bows her head, closes her eyes and says a firm and faithful prayer. And EVERY TIME we are blessed to find the item almost immediately. She loves to says a prayer of gratitude afterwards too. It has been inspiring for Collin and me to witness this. We love ELLA.

Ella keeps singing "this girl is on fire” by Alicia keys today!!

July 2017

Well, it's BEEN A WHILE. But I'm just going to go from here.

3 kids is a lot sometimes. It's the happiest and saddest and most rewarded and challenged I've ever felt. It is hands full and heart full, trying to care for my 3 babes, get through each day, and treasure every moment with them as they are so little.

Frederick starts Kindergarten in a month. He will go to Granite Elementary here in Sandy, Utah. After talking to lots of people in the area, and meeting at the school for a K orientation, we feel that this is the absolute right thing for Fred and for us. Nothing will be perfect, but it seems like the right fit. as always, Collin and I will be involved and helpful as much as we can.
Fred is my bud. He is my right hand man. He is a leader in our family and among his friends and neighbors. He is discovering who is is, little by little.

Harriet is growing and changing a lot too. She is more agreeable and able to talk things out. We still have our days of misunderstanding and frustration, but mostly due to my trying to control her. She is a beautiful butterfly. She and fred both have wonderful imaginations. They play well together and also fight together. They learn so much from each other and love each other very much.

Ella is still my baby, but is also developing her likes and dislikes and her personality. She is a stubborn little thing, and nothign gets past her these days. She is smart and cunning just like her siblings. She has a special and unique bond with each one. She has started fighting back when they pester her, which has resulted in biting, hitting, and scratching. She sticks up for herself. She is on the verge of speaking. She understands much and she does her best to communicate her needs and thoughts.

I'm evolving as a mother and person. I'm looking deep within myself to the person I am currently and the things I need and want to be fulfilled. I am asking myself many questions and finding the answers to them, little by little. I have learned much and have a lot to learn. I love getting out and exploring new places, as always, but I find myself not wanting to be quite as busy as before. I find myself wanting to cherish and play with my children. I'm realizing that where I felt discipline, sternness and justice was necessary, along with (and sometimes in place of) that needs to be understanding, trust, loyalty and unity for my children, husband and family. I'm not exactly sure what it all looks like, but I'm excited for some new chapters in our lives.

observations on a snowy Wednesday afternoon

It has just been snowing and snowing and snowing. We wake and it's snowing. We drive and it's snowing. We go on walks and it's snowing. The kids play together at home fantastically. We don't do TV during the week at all and it has made a huge difference with their patience and moods. We all feel happier and go to sleep easier. Plus now when they do watch stuff on weekends I don't feel guilty. We have been playing a lot. Playing board games like Monopoly Jr, and Hoot Owl Hoot. And puzzles and painting. We do chores. I mostly do them, but they like to help too. They love doing dishes, vacuuming and sorting laundry. When they have to do things that are actually their chores (cleaning up the table, setting the table, cleaning up messes) it's like pulling teeth. 

They pretend a lot. "Pretend you're my mom and you have to chase me a put me in time out." hahah. Collin and I made them some wooden clothespin dolls for their Christmas presents and they LOVE them. They are just wooden clothespins that we have painted clothes, skin and hair on. (no faces so that they can decide how the people are feeling). They play will those like crazy. Ella loves them too. She loves to mimic and follow her siblings around. She thinks she's part of every game and it's so cute. Today popcorn and hot chocolate and gingerbread tea for snacks before music class. This was sort of a dreamy afternoon we had. Dreamy because it was fun and relaxing and we were listening to "Singers" by Mount Eerie et al. (and it was only relaxing until we had to get out the door to go to music class. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. I give plenty of time and ask them nicely and help them but inevitably they wont get in the car or get their socks and shoes on and we are pretty much always running late these days.) But we all talk about it and forgive each other and say we're sorry. We're all practicing that lots: "Sorry," and, "it's ok."

a bunch of popcorn dropped on the ground.
This one is THERE to eat as much of it up as she can before I can get the broom.

Babies babies 1, 2, 3

Name that one day old babe. 

Name that panda babe. 

Name that sweet sweater onesie babe. 

Big latch on 2016!

This weekend is the annual big latch on and we found an awesome group to join today in Lehi. My big kids had a great time playing with all the other big kids, too! I love this awesome breastfeeding community! 

Some baby mama yoga 

Hattie stayed close. She and Freddie have grown so fast. 

Lindsey of Lactation Link. 

We both had our baby girls (and third children and first home births) on May 14th!

I won the drawing yahoo!!

Freddie at 11 months at our First Big Latch On! 2012. 

Beautiful baby Harriet at 8 months. 

The big latch on last year in Flagstaff