But here, in my hands, the living proof. We had time to write birthday cards and send thank yous for no reason other than we loved each other. My heart is full to spilling over reading the words of friends and family members who are so so so far away. Who I wish I could embrace right now. Each of them. A different life that was. Lifetimes away. Flagstaff and Africa and Florida and DC and Provo and grandparents and birthday after birthday card. My mom has written me faithfully my whole life and now my kids get cards from her. And I married a man who's mother and father still send cards too. My heart is full, reading their words. Handmade cards, those silly cute ones with card board foam pictures on the front. A dog in a party dress. Anniversary notes. So many Halloween and Valentine's Day cards. I feel so..... loved. I feel I matter to people. I'm reminded of my love, my deep deep love for Collin and for my friends and family. So many kind and thoughtful people. So many different people who I have known and loved. So many different stories. My mind is blown; my heart is packed tightly. I feel an emense amount of gratitude. And longing to get back in touch. Write real letters instead of just comments on social media. I want them to know they really really matter to me.
August 21, 2016
My heart is so completely full tonight as I have been reading through cards from friends in the few years before meeting Collin to cards of congratulations for our wedding. Did that world of handmade cards and penpals and sharing our hearts really exist? It seems like a dream and light years away.
Well, we are moving!!! So many thoughts and big big feelings. I'm so sad to leave my ward. I look around and these people have been my family for the past year. They are my neighbors and friends. I will keep in touch with many of them through social media, luckily, but it will be hard to not see them every day/week. And this beautiful chapel and ward building!!! What a blessing it has been. I remember our first Sunday here. We had just moved in the night before and were wrinkled and sleepy and so many people welcomed us. That night, the Bishop Garbett and Duran Lucas came and visited us. We felt so much peace and hat we were in the right place. The house we have lived in has been wonderful. It's cute and fun and has served every purpose. My children have been kept safe. We have enjoyed this beautiful neighborhood, walking to the temple and temple square all the time, seeing it every day. Waking up to the captiol building outside our windows and exploring the buildings and playing on the grass, and going to fun events like yoga and movies at the Capitol. We have loved being so close to Collins work and having him home so early.
We have a bucket list for the next week and a half to do all our favorite things and a few new things before we go.
I know God brought us to this area for a reason.
We are so excited for our new opportunity and home in Sandy. We will have a big yard with trees and a garden and a neighborhood with tons of families and children. We will be within walking distance to two parks and close to a library. We will be farther than I'd like from Freddie's school and music school, but I have learned for myself that it is Gods will that we move to Sandy. I had to pray hard and then to God and let his will be my will.
This is what I read in answer to my prayers. I was wanting to be closer to the school and feeling the weight of moving... Feeling it was and would be too much work...I prayed for clarity.
3 Nephi 27: (Christ talking to the Nephites)
11 But if it be not built upon my gospel, and is built upon the works of men, or upon the works of the devil, verily I say unto you they have joy in their works for a season, and by and by the end cometh, and they are hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence there is no return.
14 And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil--
I feel peace and excited about this change. I know it will be hard work to move and hard work to get my kids to all their activities and hard work to raise them in the gospel. But I know I must find joy in his season of my life. I am so blessed to have children to take to school. What a nice time we will have together traveling, talking, growing closer, eating, sharing, sleeping. I will try to stay positive!!!
Now to pack up our whole crazy house, change and set up utilities, changed our address everywhere, and MOVE.
August 12, 2016
Having a rough time w my Hattie. Her tantrums are hard. She fights me with everything. She won't go to bed or stay in her room. She is so aware and remembers our qualms and is hurt by them. I feel I'm screwing up so badly w our relationship. Ella is sick/congested/gassy and won't stop crying and moving around in her sleep. And so tonight I missed Freddie's tball game to take care of them and it crushed him that I wasnt there. He loves tball even more that soccer it looks like. Just a discouraging evening. And so so so many changes coming. I should be excited but I feel nervous and down. Collin is so far away and life feels so overwhelming. I need to simplify and figure out what everyone needs somehow.
Ever have a day like this???????
It will be ok. Turning to the scriptures and Ensign now. And looking at these pictures helps some hurt melt away.
August 5, 2016
This weekend is the annual big latch on and we found an awesome group to join today in Lehi. My big kids had a great time playing with all the other big kids, too! I love this awesome breastfeeding community!
We both had our baby girls (and third children and first home births) on May 14th!
Freddie at 11 months at our First Big Latch On! 2012.
Beautiful baby Harriet at 8 months.
The big latch on last year in Flagstaff
August 3, 2016
Hattie in her personal prayer tonight: "thank you for our new friends and bless them. And bless that we don't have to leave next time and we can stay together with them forever and ever."
And Freddie let me know that tonight after he read his verse [of scripture] he got frustrated and thought in his head that he wanted to hit Hattie two times but he stopped and thought, "no, I'm not going to do that, I'm going to use my words instead."
He went on to tell me that when I get frustrated I can do the same thing. I love him. Love his wisdom.
These happened tonight as we all laid in their bed before sleep. Bedtime can seem never ending and stressful sometimes but it can also be my favorite time with them. I love our pillow talk. Love my bubs. Ella, you're adorable.
July 24, 2016
I am way behind on this post because I kept wanting to post ALL of my hundreds of pictures of the trip and kept not finding the time....but I decided to instead print them out and make a real life scrapbook. So for my blogging purposes I will pick my 7(ish) favorite pictures and post those here.
We had such a great time meeting my family out in California for July 4th! We had been aching to go to the beach and play in the sand, watch the waves, soak up the sun, feel the humidity, eat fish tacos, smell the salt, swim in the deep, for some time now. And we got to do it all. We hit the road, stopped in Las Vegas, stayed at a friends house overnight, made it to Malibu, where we stayed in an awesome beach house with my mom and dad, Joseph, and AJ. (Unfortunately, David and Amelia couldn't make it.) My dad and AJ met Ella for the first time and it was wonderful to spend time altogether. We pretty much just went to the beach every day after that! So much fun finding crabs in rock caves and pools. Dying trying to swim on a rocky beach with AJ, buying delicious fruit on the side of the road, watching the kids run in and out of the waves. At nights we did puzzles, ate, listened to the waves from our bedroom at night. It was pretty much a dream. Then on Monday the 4th we stopped Joseph and his friends off at EFY in Santa Barbara, then went to the pier and ate some yummy seafood. The money's left and we smiths stayed one more night in Ventura. We ate In N Out, watched fireworks on the beach and snuggled together, we 5, under a dark sky filled with stars and rockets, thinking about freedom and blessings.
The next day Collin and Frederick and Harriet dropped Ella and me off at LAX where we flew home to Provo, and hung out with Dave and Mia till Collin and the kids, who had driven home all day, picked us up and we all drive to salt lake together and ran inside to see Dot, our beloved kitty. YAY.