April 20, 2014

Beastie or bestie?

Okay so when Hattie was born, Fred was probably thrown for a loop. He seemed to really like her or know he was supposed to but he had very little patience for this little being that was interfering greatly with the world as he knew it. She got to nurse all the time and be in mamas arms and he was supposed to be gentle w her when all he wanted was to see what happened if he poked her eyes really hard. He would sit on her, grab her, do the eye poking thing, wake her. There was a night or two under very stressful circumstances (definitely my fault for not giving him adequate attention and playtime) where he scratched up her face and made her bleed in 6-7 places....night of the Gilbert temple open house. It was horrific. She was weeks old. I slapped his hand and yelled at him. :( :( We would try time outs and talking about it and ignoring it and completely separating and helicopter parenting and letting him go to see if he'd back off. I was completely stressed out, worried, questioning everything, had read everything I could but it was so hard every day and I didn't know what to do. I felt regretful and guilty all the time. And even worse for feeling those things. It was like a crazy conundrum where i felt I had no choice but to neglect both of my kids. I wanted to get out of the house for my sanity and to give Fred lots of playtime exercise and interaction w people. Hattie needed to nurse and be held all day and it was so hard on her to be in the car seat so much so young or out at the loud park etc where it was uncomfortable to nurse when I knew she wanted to be in bed nursing and sleeping on my breast all day. But when we stayed home and did that, Fred would get bored and end up watching tons of tv---which I felt horrible about. I know everyone says it's normal and you have to do it etc but I feel so guilty having him watch tv. He's the type of kid that is so active and needs to be outside running and playing every day. So I felt like I couldn't find a balance between mothering a toddler and a newborn.  I was super emotional. And felt like such a failure. 
I had a friend tell me to give it 3-6 months before things got, "better." I didn't get it before but I do now. We have come a long way in the past 4 months (she turned 4 months yesterday, the 19th). He is so much more patient and gentle. He knows she's here to stay. He probably can't remember life without her. She also has grown and is stronger and able to handle more from him.  She is more patient. (Btw, She rolls over constantly and loves being on her tummy mostly till she's sick of it and then really wants for someone to come save her and hold her! So cute hehe.) While Fred still gets hyper and rolls over her and gets in her face a little and is still obsessed w her eyes, he doesn't poke them so hard, he loves her and tries to comfort her, helps me gently burp her, tells her "it's okay, Hattie." He (with my help) picks her up and lays her down slowly and carefully. He is mindful of her many times and tries to listen to me when I ask him to be careful w her.  And she totally adores him. She gets the biggest grin on her face when she catches any glimpse of him. 

Tonight was a little gigantic reward for us as parents. We were all in their floor bed, Hattie asleep, Fred getting ready to lay down himself, (they don't sleep together all night. We have her sleep in his bed--and check on her often--till we are ready to go to sleep and then grab her and bring her in bed w us). We were saying good night and trying to keep her asleep, when Fred announced that he wanted to "see Hattie," as he often does while she is sleeping!! I was hesitant but quickly repented. He quietly bent down and hugged her so softly and whispered to her, "you're my best friend." ((I'm getting teary just writing this!!)) Collin and I silently gasped and looked at each other, then back at them. He repeated himself a couple of times before he went over to his own side (diagonal from her on the bed) and laid down. Look, I'm not niave; I know this was a sweet moment and there will be many more accompanied by many many more crazy hard ones, but tonight this was just a sweet little Easter Eve gift, and it melted me into a sweet little bunny soup. 

Have you seen the Because of Him video on Mormon.org? Well go there and watch it. #Becauseofhim my family will be eternal forever. 

April 16, 2014

What a beautiful face

People are getting cancer and dealing with infertility issues and out of a job for two years and life is real and hard and each moment a gift. 
Just wanted to remind myself. 

^^^^^rollin rollin
^^^tge Alfredo bacon is the best

April 14, 2014

Right now

Tonight my two children and I lay in their room, on the bed. Right now we have a queen sized mattress on the floor and we put Freddie to bed and lay with him till he falls asleep and Hattie sleeps in there too until we go to bed and we bring her in with us. 
So tonight I'm the middle of a Freddie and Hattie sandwich; they've snuggled me in tightly (which hardly ever happens with Fred anymore) and I'm in total bliss because he said, "you can scratch my head" !!!!!!! Seriously, he nurses still but will NOT let me baby him in any other way. Will not hold my hand or let me do anything for him. It's "all by myself" always, which is wonderful but I'm just so excited that he is letting me snuggle him a little tonight. So then I'm thinking about how hard it was to be pregnant and have a toddler and then to have a newborn and toddler but how much easier it's gotten in (almost) 4 months and how even though before I said I was done now I think as long as I can mentally prepare myself for those hard months and that they don't last...I think I could have more kid(s)...(surprise, Collin!) 
I lay here thinking and thinking and the thought comes that I'll remember this moment, laying with them in the quiet house in the dark peace, forever. But I realize that I probably won't. I hardly remember Fred's early days at all. My stomach drops because I know I won't remember this and the tears come and come and come because that really makes me so sad. So I'll sit here for a while and just look at these two, asleep, side by side, so little, so innocent, all mine for now. I'll pray and pray with gratitude that I somehow have them. I'll pray for patience everyday that matches my love for them and how I'm feeling right now. 

Happy sunday

Some times you get frustrated and nervous and stressed and anxious and embarrassed but then that person and those people, so familiar and dear, who know you-everything about you, inside and out, just have to give you a look--a certain type of look that let's you off the hook and tells you you aren't alone and that we can get outta here right now and ride away together and never look back. 
Happy sunday. Everything turns out. 

April 13, 2014

Busy spring stuff

So....life!!!!! It has been busy and wonderful. 
Harriet has a strong personality and presence in our family. She seems like she's teething...shows hunger cues and eats until refusal and then wants everything in her mouth! She rolled over on Wednesday April 9th for the first time at 3 and a half months. 
Freddie finished up sports class and he loved it! I did too. Swim lessons started Monday. I'm super excited. It's a small class size for him (3 kids to 1 instructor) and I've heard amazing things. I have to get Fred swimming for real because we plan to be in the pool constantly this summer and there's way to much stress for me in holding a newborn and a toddler w never-ending energy. Hattie and I take the newborn class. Super excited for that too. :)
Frederick has been increasing in his independence and confidence lately. I've relaxed a bit on stressing about the amount of food he consumes and since then he has been eating so much better. He has gotten so gentle w Harriet!!! It's an incredible difference from when she was first born and he is even becoming a better helper (only refuses to "please please please hand me that burp cloth/wipe/diaper/water right next to you!!" Part of the time ;) and comforter to her but most of all he loves to play with and make his baby sister laugh. It's the best. And she laughs!!!!! She has a hearty laugh! She giggles, grins, stares, makes silly faces...and Fred and Collin and I crack up and she cracks up harder. It's awesome. 
Collin and I have tried hard at working together on parenting and budgeting and house keeping and we butt heads but we are learning to compromise and even give in. 

Cutie in her swim suit from Lulu. 

The water was pretty cold. I didn't mind it, Fred tolerated it, Hattie screamed, and Collin stayed far far away. Just kidding, he put his feet in. 

Made finger paints! Then they sat and grew mold for the next few days. Freddie loves cooking and I love teaching him. 
Feeding the ducks. Hattie would crack up at the ducks in front of us. The weather has been getting hotter and hotter. It's sweaty hot in the sun but still amazing and breezy in the shade. 
^^waiting for daddy

^^^I often find Fred in a corner somewhere, imaginatively playing with household objects. I LOVE this and sit and watch him as long as I can before he catches me. He's so fun and silly. He asks me, "you want play with me, mama?" How could I refuse??!

Hi babies
Sleep babies 

Daddy has to be out the other night for church so we had a PJ party...made popcorn and Fred picked to watch The Aristocats. 
Bad bonkers

These guys were total jerks to me out in the parking lot in their gigantic truck. I came in with my two sleeping babies in arms and sat and got an iced hot chocolate and stared at them. Sheesh. 
New haircut!! Handsome!

Zoo time!! High five. 

Happy girl. Screamed when I put her feet in the water hehe. Love her.