Sometimes you worry about things and you pray and you're in pain and you seek for comfort or answers. And sometimes you just have an outpouring of blessings and everything is right and you feel you could never be sad again!!!!

Pregnancy because I'm inspired.

I love this blogger. She put herself out there and wrote an honest, inspiring post about her reality with pregnancy. It's not my reality intirely but I felt uplifted and wanted to share in case there is anyone who needed to read it. 

http://thealisonshow.com/2015/11/alisons-tips-for-managing-a-rough-pregnancy.html#comment-142287

While pregnant with Frederick (then known as Skittlecore)** I was able to focus on just taking care of myself. I got nauseous but not so badly. When I was exhausted I could just go to sleep. I did yoga every day and swam every day and ate 100 grams of protein every day. I loved being pregnant. I felt awesome and beautiful. 

With Harriet (bean, Kittypuppy)** I had a real life nursing toddler to run around and chase. I wanted to just fast forwarded to December. I didn't do yoga hardly at all but I did exercise a ton. I was super depressed during that pregnancy. I literally was thinking at one point, if I died today no one would care. I would bawl and expect my husband or someone to figure it all out but you have to talk to people about this stuff and can't just expect them to know. I've never felt the feeling of "get this baby out now!" at the ends of my pregnancies. In fact I'm more like, I want the baby to stay in as long as he or she needs!!! Yet 42 weeks to the day was a roller coaster ride. But she came, healthily and perfectly and with no drugs like I wanted but in a hospital like I didn't expect. We had some emotional issues with the whole birth experience (with one of my midwives at the birth center) starting at 32 weeks and it just got worse. And that was the midwife I ended up with at the birth. 

So this time we are doing things differently. Im going to have my baby (Bunnie, PandaApple)** at our home. We interviewed a bunch of midwives and chose the person we felt best about. We feel she is experienced and will guide us but I know I can birth a health human and I know if there are problems you just go to the hospital. And I need someone to just trust me and listen and back off and let me birth my baby. 

I'm still nursing a real life energetic, growing, full of attitude and Disney Princess loving toddler. Plus I have this sweet, sensitive 4 year old who is really changing and starting to figure out so much more of life. 

I've been so sick. Sort of constant. It sucks. It's not as bad as many people have it. But it's no fun and makes me stay at home a lot, which is hard for me and for my kids. We like to get out. I'm just barely starting to exercise again because I was feeling so crumby. I feel like I needed to eat something to make me feel better but then I feel sick as worse. And I love food so that's sad!!!!

Pregnancy is not glamorous or super ultra spiritual or goddess like for me. But at the same time for some reason (probably a mixture of the Jade Bealle Photography Instagram (https://instagram.com/jadebeallphotography/) and some books I'm reading, and feeling so deeply and physically connected to my husband right now), I am starting to love my body. I love my belly and my millions and billions of stretch marks (all from my first pregnancy. I didn't get a one from my second and haven't had any so far this time either:), and I even appreciate my flab and my skin. It's weird but I see it as beautiful because of the purpose it has served. It's still hard when I'm feeling yucky and see others with perfect bodies, knowing even when I'm working out so hard I'll never look like that. But who cares. I've just got to (try to) be happy with myself for myself and for my children. Ok. And this pregnancy I'm pampering myself more. Once a month in getting a prenatal massage (coming up this Saturday, yessss!!!), manicure/ped, Aveda haircut (second best thing to Jayna 😭😭), facial, etc. I try to get ready and go my makeup more because I feel better. and I go to a PN yoga class once a week and do it at home w my crazy kids climbing all over me most days.  And Collin and I are trying to go on dates and find time to talk. We put our phones away after the kids go to sleep and try to not watch much tv either. It's more important to talk and spend time together. We had to change this recently. Or we might have murdered each other. Really. 

I'm very grateful to be able to have children and to nurse pretty easily and to love being a mom and so so grateful I get to stay home with them. This is my choice and I love it. Ok my hand is forming into a claw from holding and typing on my phone and it's late. So, until next time, blog of mine! THanks to my dear friends and family from Florida and Phoenix and GA who call and text and love me. I miss you and think of you. It's hard transitioning and moving and making new friends!!!! I just want you!!!!!!!! But we are starting to make some friends. The kids too. And because Collin is amazing and should be a professional designer, our home is beautiful and comfortable and life is awesome. So I can't complain. But I do. ;) then I pray and repent. :) :) bye. 

**Ok so when we were first married, surprisingly quite a few people would ask us when we were having kids, how many we wanted, names we were thinking of---seriously. I'm not talking about close friends and talking intimately. Just random people in random situations. So weird.  We hadn't ever thought about it   and I don't remember that list from when I was young and wrote down all the names of my future kids 😂😂. So we got creative. 

1. Skittlecore

2. Kittypuppy

3. Pandapple

And 

4. Chuckhorse. To quote Juli Waldeck King, "Poor little Chuckhorse." Hahahahha people would give us weird reactions and we thought we were awesome and hilarious. 

So Skittlecore started a-growin' and we referred to him as just that the whole pregnancy. Some people really thought that was the name.....haha. 

Then Kittypuppy was living in my belly and though that was her original name, at the first ultra sound she was jumping around like a dancing bean. Seriously craziest and funniest thing ever. Would not stay still and was bouncing all over. So she was referred to as Bean during my pregnancy. 

And PandaApple, well we got a little picture of the ultra sound and at 8 weeks that little honey looked like a small rabbit. A Bunnie. So there you have it. 

The weather man said one more day to play outside before it gets freezing and down to 40 during the day!!!!!

So we are listening to dramatic music and eating a picnic lunch on the front lawn.   

Update!

Freddie has been becoming more and more obedient and agreeable lately. I see him making conscience choices to play with his sister kindly, to try to listen when his little body just wants to run away and tease me.  When he and Hattie are getting along I stay out of it completely and just let them be together happily. 

Hattie's language has exploded and she pretty much repeats every thing we say. She can express herself very well. She loves to sing and knows the words to lots of songs. She wants to do everything her brother does!!! Tonight they ran around the living room and then jumped off the coffee table about 30 times each. They lead the music and both want to say prayers. But we are working on being reverent. That's a very very hard one for them, hehe. 

Frederick has been preparing for his very first primary program, which is next week, and we can't wait!!!! We have been singing all the songs. He knows every word!!

My kids can be a handful. So much personality!!! And they are strong and strong-willed and crazy and naughty at times. It's hard at church when they are loud and climbing all over. But they are good and pure and sincere and sweet. Harriet will stop nursing and tell me, "I wuv you!" And Freddie will come give me a big kiss. It always surprises me because they only give affection on their terms. I love this about them both. 

Today Hattie came into relief society and I was so happy to see her. She said, "hi mama!" In front of everyone. It made me so happy and I felt so grateful for my two little characters. They are just right for me. 

I'm night-weaning hat. She sleeps we me and has always awoken throughout the night to nurse as she pleases. It never effects me or my sleep because she just nurses and rolls back over. But in pregnancy my milk is turning back into colostrum and naturally lessens and she is less satisfied and will nurse for hours. Plus I'm much more sensitive now. So just like w Freddie when I was pregnant w hat, it started effecting my sleep and we night weaned. The first few days are the worst. Lots and lots of crying. She cried for hours and wouldn't stay in bed. She walked out to the hallway and would stand facing the wall just bawling. (Halloweeny!!) she cried for an hour or so multiple times during the night. We would sing to her, hold her, rub her back. It was tough. But the next couple of nights she woke up for just a short time and cried and stayed in bed and then went back to sleep. The the next night it was just once for a few minutes. And I can feel a huge difference in my sleeping. She's allowed to nurse after 7am. And she gets to cuddle and nurse whenever she wants  throughout the day (though she's pretty distracted playing to nurse more than a couple times plus nap time.) 

I'm excited to tandem nurse again. It'll be good for Hattie to share and a good way to bond w the new one. Freddie will be a sweet and knowing and experienced big brother. 

Last thing. It's fall.  It's so lovely and colorful. Not that cold yet but it is supposed to snow next week. We will see. I got snow boots for the kids and brushes and scrapers for our cars!!!!!

Halloween updates and growing up updates

Today it took about a half hour to walk home from church because Hattie stops and smells every flower, sits down and writes in her book in the grass, sits on a bench, plays in the rocks. Hehe and Freddie complains about walking the whole way hahaha. Oh, then, poor boy, he was having fun, kicking up rocks, and got one stuck in his eye. It was horrible. He wouldn't let me touch it and was flipping out. Finally we said a prayer and by miracle, he got it out himself. Phew. The whole trip was just taking forever and I was starving and had to pee.  I had to bribe them both w a Halloween craft when we got home, and It worked!!! 

Here's the craft....

Hattie enjoyed putting all the stickers on except the bats; wouldn't touch them. And Fred just took the tape across every surface he could. So fun to just watch them. We crafted and ate and then Collin got home (he was learning about his new calling) and we all napped 2 hours, even Dot with us in the bed. It was nice. We got up and decorated for Halloween and then CS made dinner while I was a slave driver and had the kids pick up the house. They get distracted but we have been trying to do this a lot and they are getting better and better. Freddie is a hard little worker, actually. 

(Pictured above^^^our third Halloween together. And first as a married couple in 2009, Provo.)

We ate grilled burritos for dinner and they were so good. More crafting!! Then bath time while Carmel popcorn was made and we headed down to the basement to watch a short (30 min) movie on Netflix called Room on the Broom, about a nice witch who lets more and more friends on her broom. It was really fun. Then bedtime. I pretty much go to bed w the kids and then wake up at 12ish to drink water and pee and go back to sleep. 

The weather here is hot and weird. It's getting cooler though. Our yard looks so pretty. The grass is green, flowers fall colors. Leaves are changing on trees everywhere. The Capitol lawn is so pretty and we love to go hunt for fallen pods (they look like dragonfruit) and squish the large seeds out of them. 

^^^This morning before church. Freddie loves his new church jacket so much. Hattie loves her new shoes. Fred just grew out of his 3T pants he's been wearing for a while and we got him a bunch of 4T a month ago and now they are all getting short on him!!! And he had grown out of his shoes we just got him when we moved here (2 months ago!!) Hattie is growing so big too. It's so weird and fun to see them grow up and become more and more aware. Freddie is becoming a kid now. I can have conversations with him and ask him things and he asks "why?" to everything. He also seems to be preparing to learn to read and has been asking about how everything is spelled and what letters it start with and what letters sound like. Hattie is very sweet and caring and also wants boundaries and gets frustrated and hits when she can't express herself. She's working on using her words more. It's funny because we remember Freddie going through this in his own way so we recognize more easily that it's a phase that she will grow out of. It still gets frustrating for us though!! And fun too: she repeats everything and talks so much. She wakes up talking in her sleep and saying the funniest stuff. They both want to say a prayer at every prayer time and Fred first says the fastest prayer ever and then will help Hattie while she repeats and gives her the most flowery elaborate specific prayers ever. And she throws in things too. It's so hilarious and sweet. They say thank you for things even when they are asking..."and thank for for that we can be nice and have a good day." Hahhaah. :)

They are so excited about the baby. They talk about him or her...Freddie says "she" always...and can't wait to hold her. He asks things like, "is your water going to pop???" "Is it going to pop right now??" "Is the baby going to fall out???" Haha. I try to prepare them by telling them that I'll be in bed nursing the baby all day and the baby will cry and sleep and eat all day and they will have to play together and be quiet and Fred has to read books to Hattie hehe. And oh boy I hope Hattie can learn to share! She will have to! We have been reading a book about night weaning, which will happen before May, and I keep just telling her the baby will get to nurse too. Fred tells her how it is and how the baby will get this side and Hattie will get this side and how he used to nurse when he was a baby too. They are happy kids. 

Our goal this week is playing with friends. We have been having lots of fun together but both kids have mentioned they miss AZ and friends. Me too!!! So we are going to try harder to get together w people and make new friends in our ward. There are some really nice people we are starting to get to know. Not tons of kids but a few! Oh and our other goal is getting our Halloween costumes in order!!

To you, little one

Tonight it was just you and me for the first time. Just you. 

I got stronger from the inside. 

I will take care of you and give you everything you need. And him and her too. I will take care of all of you because I can. 

I will because I can. 

Helping hands

I was so completely overwhelmed with emotion in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, visiting the Helping Hands exhibit today. Early this year in the Children's Friend magazine, kids everywhere were challenged to be Christ's hands and help others. We participated and for FHE cut out hands and wrote down what we had done to help someone else. Thousands and thousands of cut out hands representing service by children were sent in to the Friend and they are on display here. 

As we walked up to the exhibit the sheer size touched my heart. Everywhere I looked, tiny hands hung, each with a different sincere story of love and service. One act of service such as, "I helped my grandpa get the newspaper," might seem small, but together they are changing the world. 

Mother

Yesterday in general conference, Elder Holland spoke of mothers and compared them to the Savior in love and sacrifice. I had never thought of such a thing! As a mother and person I am so far from being anything like the Savior. I can't even hold a candle to him. Yet Holland's words were so empowering. Not only was it nice for someone to recognize and sympathize with being pregnant, laboring, bearing, nursing and raising children but he also encouraged and comforted me. I felt like I can someday be like my Savior, Jesus Christ. I can try to be more loving, patience, honest, compassionate, kind, selfless, humble, teachable and non judge mental as he is. He makes up for my faults and failures. I am grateful for the words of the apostles and for how women are and have always been valued in the church and in the eyes of Jesus Christ and Heavnely Father. And I am grateful for my eternal role of mother.  

Life lately...random pictures from our days.

Who knew there was a replica of the liberty bell in the basement of the Utah state Capitol!

The kids and I really like going to random breakfast places lately. 

Super fun engagement sibling celebration dinner the other week. Thai food and then "cazookies" for dessert. Such a cool group. We love Amelia and love David and love the two of them together. 

My bunka walking to church!! So determined!

This is the place monument 

 

Freddie: "am I going to fall off this?" Nervous, yet allowing his mother to pose him. 

We ride the bus all over!! Free zone!!!

Our beautiful street in a construction zone lately!!!! The sidewalks and streets are all getting redone. It's inconvenient but it will be nice and we love watching the jackhammers, diggers, loaders, dump trucks, rollers, bulldozers and construction workers right outside our window. 

"I want shoooooooeees, mom."

Yay. 

And then suddenly it rained for three days and became freezing. Welcome to Utah, Smith family. Now go buy a winter wardrobe or you will be frozen solid within weeks.  

Waiting forth raisin the freezing rain. You dressed us really really badly today mom. BAD MOM. 

Home, in our PJs, heater on, bacon and fries for dinner...am I getting any better? Ugh. 

Fun at dada's work. 

"Daddy wuk!!!!!!"-Hattie 

Fun day with Collin's grandfather, Sherwood, and his sister, Wilma. We loved having lunch with them and hearing amazing stories about growing up on a farm during the depression. "No body knows about the depression anymore. You have to be 100 years old." 

-Sherwood

Hattie did not let go of their hands! She loved being with them and making them laugh. She also tried to "swing" and just about pulled poor Wilma down with her. 

Sherwood told a story about how his father made only $18 a week and sustained his farm and family with 3 kids. Sherwood later was going through his father's things and found tithing recipes for $1.80 every single week. What faith that would take. Well when Sherwood was little he wanted a pony so badly. Not understanding the realities of money he begged for one for two years. And his father, being like any father who just wants his kids to be happy and wishes he could give them the world, convinced himself he could use the pony on his farm and got it!!! What a sweet and selfless man. 

Sherwood and Wilma also told of how during those times you either had a job or you starved. They remember many people who were wandering, stopping by their home and just asking for food. Their mother would always welcome them and make them a big plate of food on the back porch. 

For dinners the family had vegetables every day and chicken on Sundays and hot homemade biscuits 3 times a day!!!!!!!