Old life and new life at Honeysuckle Coffee Co

Its overwhelming to take in

It starts to feel like I’m outside of my body, watching myself in a movie or tv show. 

Playing a part 

Because this can’t be real. Everyone in masks. Everyone. The whole world. The human race. 

In my favorite coffee shop. They opened for business. I’m staring at everyone. I want to reach out. I want to connect. The old me is too timid. Knows that’s not what I should do. The me from the new world just sits here, heart pounding, wanting to say something, but paralyzed. I weakly smile at everyone. I fight back tears. My eyes get blurry anyway. My limbs are weak and racing. 

Why am I overwhelmed and emotional? Why can’t I move or speak? 

I mourn the loss and desire of the old world. The freedom. I’m jealous of the people in movies and tv from before. They can stand next to each other. They can go into and out of buildings without a care. They can rush down a crowded street. They can be with other people. They don’t know how lucky they are. They don’t know what’s coming. They are stupid. They don’t understand anything. 

I’m frozen. My chest rises and falls only because my body makes it happen automatically. My hands are numb and have no blood. 

I look outside the windows from inside. The world is beautiful right now. May. It’s alive. 

So much good has come from this for my family and community. But when I do things from the old life, I am shocked back into reality of the new. A wrestle with wanting normalcy and not knowing what it is anymore. 

Maybe my sorrow is from a place of wishing. Of humility. Wishing to go back and be better and take advantage of a freedom I never could have imagined to be lost. Things change quickly. Annette is close to walking. I want my parents to see her while she is still a baby. 

I will rush, even if it’s stupid and even if it’s dangerous. 

2 verses for comfort

1. We must eradicate from the soul all fear and terror of what comes towards Man, out of the future. We must acquire serenity in all feelings and sensations about the future. We must look forward with absolute equanimity to everything that may come. And we must think only that whatever comes is given to us by a world directive full of wisdom. It is part of what we must learn in this age, namely, to live out of pure trust, without any security in existence -- trust in the ever-present help of the spiritual world. Truly, nothing else will do if our courage is not to fail us. And let us seek the awakening from within ourselves, every morning and every evening. " Rudolf Steiner

2. Inner Quiet

"Quiet I bear within me

I bear within myself

Forces to make me strong.

Now will I be imbued

With their glowing warmth

Now will I fill myself

With my own will's resolve.

And I will feel the quiet

Pouring through all my being

When by my steadfast striving

I become strong

To find within myself

 The source of strength 

The strength of inner quiet." - Rudolf Steiner

Stages: womanhood, motherhood

The idea of not having another baby again
Of not having another one to wear all the little tiny clothes my babies have worn
Of there being a time when I’m not nursing
Not co sleeping
Not holding a baby at almost all times
Not having those tiny deep eyes, staring up at me,
Needing me,
Seeing me,
his or her world.

The idea of us all growing, older, growing up, growing past my child-bearing years
Brings so much painful, gut-wrenching, terrifying, lonely, useless, left behind and unexplainable emotions.
It’s always there, gnawing at me, breaking my heart. Reminding me that I want to know but that I don’t. But I do have those eyes. I have them now and they are tiny. So small and needy. Unconditionally, powerfully, perfectly loving.
Given to me for forever. I have a small baby. And she needs me.
I have a wonderful, maddeningly creative, funny, confident 3 year old, and she needs me. I have a sensitive, brave, giving, friendly, special 6 year old and she needs me. I have a smart, cool, daring, kind, growing 8 year old...who will be 9 this year. And 10 next year. And he needs me.




I am satisfied.




I am grateful. They need me and I need to be there for them. I have them. Now. They are right here in front of me.

When I look into their eyes, especially the littlest, the 6 month old, I can’t help but welling up with tears and feeling like I’m mourning something. That I might not remember this moment we are sharing. But I know now; it’s my love. I love motherhood. I love having babies and children. My emotions are so big for them that it’s hard to articulate. But someday when they are grown or even when I just don’t have a little baby anymore I’ll say,

“I miss having little babies. It makes me sad sometimes.
But I love who they are now!!“


And right now, for just a little while, and believe me, I know how fast it goes. Right now, I do have a little baby!!!!!!! Yahoo!!!

Goodbye 2019! goodbye your birth year!

Happy 6th birthday, HATTIE JILL! Best ever HATCHIMAL party

a new tradition

Tonight was our third lantern walk with Wasatch Waldorf school. We heard a story, sang a song, felt the excitement of the night and then the silence and the darkness as we walked, hand in hand and little hands holding their lit handmade lanterns, through the woods on a path marked with candles. I heard the rushing river, and tried to keep us altogether, among friends, loud “whispers,” and whiny can you hold mes. Annette was in the carrier, snug and warm and snoozing. 

We finished and went home. Some were not happy at how the night went. Some thought there was too much of going off with friends; some thought there was too little. We had contention. 

But something changed as we got home. Annette and Ella has fallen asleep and were placed lovingly in their beds. Frederick and Harriet happily cleared off the table and counter and gathered every candlestick and candlestick holder to the table, arranging and lighting them on the table of the dark kitchen of our home. I prepared hot water for tea and hot chocolate. Collin got out the cider and we poured four bowls of cereal. Someone got cups and mugs and spoons. We stayed quiet. We all tried Fred’s new nerf blow darts. We all decided that this would be our new tradition as a family after the lantern walk every year. The lantern walk symbolizes kindness and service, as well as the light we can create, share and lean on during what is soon to be the darkest and coldest time of year. I realize how much light, warmth and joy my family brings to me. I remembered to look into their eyes and hold their hands. 

A moment

I pull you in close, pleading to God, please let me remember this. I close my eyes, smell your hair, listen to all of your noises, trying so hard. The light from the bed side lamp creates a deep contrast between the light and the shadows. My eyes well with tears; I know it’s impossible. I know someday this night will become a blur of nights and years and that you will grow and grow and never stop. Then you’re cooing, laughing, squealing! I’m laughing and sobbing. I catch it on film, somehow!!! Your sweet and silly expressions, your electric blue eyes, wavy red hair that is already thinning and changing. You want to eat. I start to nurse you, and you hold on to my finger so tightly with your little hand.

It has been 11 weeks that I’m a mama of 4. Well, in a few minutes. (It’s 5:26am). The past 11 weeks has gone by fast but has also gone slowly. I had soaked up every part of you, Annette Jolie, who is even more beautiful than your name. I have held you, and have been thoughtful. I have been blessed with guidance and patience from the Holy Ghost. I have grown closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father and Mother. I have realized things about myself I never knew. I have been supported and cared for, encouraged, lifted, loved by Collin, Frederick, Harriet, Ella, my mother, my father, my mother and father in law, more family and friends. I have been healing physically and emotionally. I am stronger. I can breastfeed a baby, give attention to kids after school, make lunches and breaskfasts and dinners, read to, listen to, can care for four children. I can sleep and wake and sleep and wake and sleep and wake. Day in and out. I can make it through a 3 year olds tantrums with patience and loving I gnoring. I can teach my children to do chores, and about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can read my personal scriptures and study come follow me every morning. I can follow the prophet and have faith in him and in Jesus Christ and His church. I can prepare my children for baptism and lives of service. I can write letters to my brother on his mission. I can prioritize. I can try to get through insecurities. I can be strong for myself. I can be confident in who I am. I can pet and feed a kitty. I can play music and sing halloween songs. I can help my children with their music practice. I could go on and on.

It took me a week to post this. HAHA!

This is my morning every day...

To Freddie, To Hattie, To Ella, To Annie

I can feel a difference.
Today, a difference:
all of us, in our tents,
fearing god like a mistress.

We lay on the rocks, in the sun,
watching you and your mama row in,
I sat up and blinked,
when you appeared,
so pale you were nearly clear!

Later, I stumbled to my bed,
all alone in the branches.
I lay in the dark,
thinking about all of my friends,
and their changes.

And I do not know
if you know just what you have done.
You are the sweetest one
I have ever laid my eyes upon.

It's a beautiful town,
with the rain coming down.
Blackberry, rosemary,
jimmy-crack-corn.
You've got the run of the place,
now that you're running around;
and may kindness,
kindness, kindness abound.

In this hour of our lives--
hour of effortless plenty--
how do we know
which parts of our hearts want what,
with such base generosity?

Taking so many photographs--
so amazed!--
we've never seen a baby so newlyborn.
And, when the bulbs do flash,
as bright as morning,
the crowd keeps on gathering
like an electric storm.

The phantom of love
moves among us at will.
Each phantom-limb lost,
has got an angel
(so confused,
like the wagging bobbed-tail
of a bulldog):
kindness, kindness prevails.

Kindness prevails!
Ties and rails fall into line,
bearing kindness.
Where will you go, if not here?
What will you say,
when you write to us?

This is a world of terrible hardship,
everywhere,
and I search for words
to set you at ease.
But there, in the looking-glass,
a kite is soaring,
stilling my warring heart
and my trembling knees.

Clean as a breeze,
bright as the day:
all of the people gather to say:
"Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!"

I believe love will always surround you--
brave as a bear,
with a heart rare and true.
But if you are scared,
if you are blue,
I have prepared this small song for you:
Sweet Esme! Sweet Esme!
Oh, oh, oh!

-By: Joanna Newsome

beautiful maternity photos by Jayna Hedges

One of my best friends, Jayna Hedges of the incredible By the Hedges Photo + Video, took some lovely maternity photos for us just before Annette was born. We love them so much! Crazy to think she was in my belly, just weeks from joining our family forever.