My baby forever

I went through a major mourning time when I was deciding that I was done having children. I went over it all in my head again and again. I played advocate for each side, arguing with myself. I discussed it with collin at length. It was an easy decision for him. He’s always wanted four. I’ve never known how many kids I wanted. I was playing it by ear each time. And recently I had the number 5 in my head. I didn’t want to be done forever with having babies. Being pregnant. Feeling all those kicks inside my belly. Sacrificing for this special life I was growing. I would never give birth again. I would never nurse for the first time again. And someday, I would never nurse again.
I had an experience finally that hushed my fears and anxiety over the whole thing and gave me peace and allowed me to confidently decide that we would be moving on to a new phase after this baby was grown. I decided to recognize what I had and to give myself permission to be sad about whatever I wanted to be sad about in the future. But I wasn’t going to regret.
Covid distancing began in March 2020, and it became even more clear that I wasn’t going to have another child. Then, months later, I was talking to some good friends who are our age and are thinking they will have another. Suddenly all the feelings and thrills of having a new baby came back to me. I was jealous too.  It looking at Annette, playing with the kids today...warm feelings of confidence and finality come to me, reminding me that for reasons that are important to me, Collin and I are done having kids. We will focus on these. They are wonderful incredible humans, and I’m excited for our lives together.

School is out for SUMMER!

After the most different school year of our lives, including 12 weeks of distance learning at home, the kids are done and school is out for summer. Hattie finished kindergarten and is now a 1st grader. Fred finished 2nd grade and is now a 3rd grader. Ella will begin her preschool year. We don’t know what school in the fall will look like. We don’t know if they will start with distance learning again, go with major restrictions, part time, or if everything will be completely back to normal. We can’t know for a while. I am so proud of them and all their work. They did work hard. I am honored that I got to experience it along side them. There were hard and frustrating days, and many rewarding, good days. There was about a week that we didn’t finish most or any of the work, but we did finish almost all of it. And there was a LOT. BUT it was all so valuable. There were some people saying we shouldn’t force school and that the stress wasn’t worth it, and I did keep that in mind. Though there were some stressful times, I felt strongly that my kids needed to do as much of the schooling that they could, that I could guide them, that it would bless their lives and give them and me guidance and purpose during this global pandemic. It has. I feel so much accomplishment and it did bless our lives as we found our rhythm together and worked at our goals every day. The Holy Ghost guided me through this school year the whole time. 

This was the rhythm that we settled on that worked best for us (after much trial and error!!) 

Wake

Breakfast and scriptures

Exercise (eye of the tiger!)

Get dressed/ready (there was always a day or two a week that we stayed in our PJs all day)

School time Fred and Hattie while I nursed Annette to sleep on the couch for her first nap and Ella would do trues school with her)

Lunch

Outside play until dinner time 

(At 2pm if we didn’t finish all of school and music there Was time to work on that)

Dinner

Chores

Family walk

Bedtime

Looking back, this has been some of the best times our family has ever had. Collin would be working all day and would usually make lunch and dinner. 

Happy summer!!!

Old life and new life at Honeysuckle Coffee Co

Its overwhelming to take in

It starts to feel like I’m outside of my body, watching myself in a movie or tv show. 

Playing a part 

Because this can’t be real. Everyone in masks. Everyone. The whole world. The human race. 

In my favorite coffee shop. They opened for business. I’m staring at everyone. I want to reach out. I want to connect. The old me is too timid. Knows that’s not what I should do. The me from the new world just sits here, heart pounding, wanting to say something, but paralyzed. I weakly smile at everyone. I fight back tears. My eyes get blurry anyway. My limbs are weak and racing. 

Why am I overwhelmed and emotional? Why can’t I move or speak? 

I mourn the loss and desire of the old world. The freedom. I’m jealous of the people in movies and tv from before. They can stand next to each other. They can go into and out of buildings without a care. They can rush down a crowded street. They can be with other people. They don’t know how lucky they are. They don’t know what’s coming. They are stupid. They don’t understand anything. 

I’m frozen. My chest rises and falls only because my body makes it happen automatically. My hands are numb and have no blood. 

I look outside the windows from inside. The world is beautiful right now. May. It’s alive. 

So much good has come from this for my family and community. But when I do things from the old life, I am shocked back into reality of the new. A wrestle with wanting normalcy and not knowing what it is anymore. 

Maybe my sorrow is from a place of wishing. Of humility. Wishing to go back and be better and take advantage of a freedom I never could have imagined to be lost. Things change quickly. Annette is close to walking. I want my parents to see her while she is still a baby. 

I will rush, even if it’s stupid and even if it’s dangerous. 

2 verses for comfort

1. We must eradicate from the soul all fear and terror of what comes towards Man, out of the future. We must acquire serenity in all feelings and sensations about the future. We must look forward with absolute equanimity to everything that may come. And we must think only that whatever comes is given to us by a world directive full of wisdom. It is part of what we must learn in this age, namely, to live out of pure trust, without any security in existence -- trust in the ever-present help of the spiritual world. Truly, nothing else will do if our courage is not to fail us. And let us seek the awakening from within ourselves, every morning and every evening. " Rudolf Steiner

2. Inner Quiet

"Quiet I bear within me

I bear within myself

Forces to make me strong.

Now will I be imbued

With their glowing warmth

Now will I fill myself

With my own will's resolve.

And I will feel the quiet

Pouring through all my being

When by my steadfast striving

I become strong

To find within myself

 The source of strength 

The strength of inner quiet." - Rudolf Steiner

Stages: womanhood, motherhood

The idea of not having another baby again
Of not having another one to wear all the little tiny clothes my babies have worn
Of there being a time when I’m not nursing
Not co sleeping
Not holding a baby at almost all times
Not having those tiny deep eyes, staring up at me,
Needing me,
Seeing me,
his or her world.

The idea of us all growing, older, growing up, growing past my child-bearing years
Brings so much painful, gut-wrenching, terrifying, lonely, useless, left behind and unexplainable emotions.
It’s always there, gnawing at me, breaking my heart. Reminding me that I want to know but that I don’t. But I do have those eyes. I have them now and they are tiny. So small and needy. Unconditionally, powerfully, perfectly loving.
Given to me for forever. I have a small baby. And she needs me.
I have a wonderful, maddeningly creative, funny, confident 3 year old, and she needs me. I have a sensitive, brave, giving, friendly, special 6 year old and she needs me. I have a smart, cool, daring, kind, growing 8 year old...who will be 9 this year. And 10 next year. And he needs me.




I am satisfied.




I am grateful. They need me and I need to be there for them. I have them. Now. They are right here in front of me.

When I look into their eyes, especially the littlest, the 6 month old, I can’t help but welling up with tears and feeling like I’m mourning something. That I might not remember this moment we are sharing. But I know now; it’s my love. I love motherhood. I love having babies and children. My emotions are so big for them that it’s hard to articulate. But someday when they are grown or even when I just don’t have a little baby anymore I’ll say,

“I miss having little babies. It makes me sad sometimes.
But I love who they are now!!“


And right now, for just a little while, and believe me, I know how fast it goes. Right now, I do have a little baby!!!!!!! Yahoo!!!

Goodbye 2019! goodbye your birth year!

Happy 6th birthday, HATTIE JILL! Best ever HATCHIMAL party

a new tradition

Tonight was our third lantern walk with Wasatch Waldorf school. We heard a story, sang a song, felt the excitement of the night and then the silence and the darkness as we walked, hand in hand and little hands holding their lit handmade lanterns, through the woods on a path marked with candles. I heard the rushing river, and tried to keep us altogether, among friends, loud “whispers,” and whiny can you hold mes. Annette was in the carrier, snug and warm and snoozing. 

We finished and went home. Some were not happy at how the night went. Some thought there was too much of going off with friends; some thought there was too little. We had contention. 

But something changed as we got home. Annette and Ella has fallen asleep and were placed lovingly in their beds. Frederick and Harriet happily cleared off the table and counter and gathered every candlestick and candlestick holder to the table, arranging and lighting them on the table of the dark kitchen of our home. I prepared hot water for tea and hot chocolate. Collin got out the cider and we poured four bowls of cereal. Someone got cups and mugs and spoons. We stayed quiet. We all tried Fred’s new nerf blow darts. We all decided that this would be our new tradition as a family after the lantern walk every year. The lantern walk symbolizes kindness and service, as well as the light we can create, share and lean on during what is soon to be the darkest and coldest time of year. I realize how much light, warmth and joy my family brings to me. I remembered to look into their eyes and hold their hands. 

A moment

I pull you in close, pleading to God, please let me remember this. I close my eyes, smell your hair, listen to all of your noises, trying so hard. The light from the bed side lamp creates a deep contrast between the light and the shadows. My eyes well with tears; I know it’s impossible. I know someday this night will become a blur of nights and years and that you will grow and grow and never stop. Then you’re cooing, laughing, squealing! I’m laughing and sobbing. I catch it on film, somehow!!! Your sweet and silly expressions, your electric blue eyes, wavy red hair that is already thinning and changing. You want to eat. I start to nurse you, and you hold on to my finger so tightly with your little hand.

It has been 11 weeks that I’m a mama of 4. Well, in a few minutes. (It’s 5:26am). The past 11 weeks has gone by fast but has also gone slowly. I had soaked up every part of you, Annette Jolie, who is even more beautiful than your name. I have held you, and have been thoughtful. I have been blessed with guidance and patience from the Holy Ghost. I have grown closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father and Mother. I have realized things about myself I never knew. I have been supported and cared for, encouraged, lifted, loved by Collin, Frederick, Harriet, Ella, my mother, my father, my mother and father in law, more family and friends. I have been healing physically and emotionally. I am stronger. I can breastfeed a baby, give attention to kids after school, make lunches and breaskfasts and dinners, read to, listen to, can care for four children. I can sleep and wake and sleep and wake and sleep and wake. Day in and out. I can make it through a 3 year olds tantrums with patience and loving I gnoring. I can teach my children to do chores, and about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I can read my personal scriptures and study come follow me every morning. I can follow the prophet and have faith in him and in Jesus Christ and His church. I can prepare my children for baptism and lives of service. I can write letters to my brother on his mission. I can prioritize. I can try to get through insecurities. I can be strong for myself. I can be confident in who I am. I can pet and feed a kitty. I can play music and sing halloween songs. I can help my children with their music practice. I could go on and on.

It took me a week to post this. HAHA!

This is my morning every day...