a new tradition

Tonight was our third lantern walk with Wasatch Waldorf school. We heard a story, sang a song, felt the excitement of the night and then the silence and the darkness as we walked, hand in hand and little hands holding their lit handmade lanterns, through the woods on a path marked with candles. I heard the rushing river, and tried to keep us altogether, among friends, loud “whispers,” and whiny can you hold mes. Annette was in the carrier, snug and warm and snoozing. 

We finished and went home. Some were not happy at how the night went. Some thought there was too much of going off with friends; some thought there was too little. We had contention. 

But something changed as we got home. Annette and Ella has fallen asleep and were placed lovingly in their beds. Frederick and Harriet happily cleared off the table and counter and gathered every candlestick and candlestick holder to the table, arranging and lighting them on the table of the dark kitchen of our home. I prepared hot water for tea and hot chocolate. Collin got out the cider and we poured four bowls of cereal. Someone got cups and mugs and spoons. We stayed quiet. We all tried Fred’s new nerf blow darts. We all decided that this would be our new tradition as a family after the lantern walk every year. The lantern walk symbolizes kindness and service, as well as the light we can create, share and lean on during what is soon to be the darkest and coldest time of year. I realize how much light, warmth and joy my family brings to me. I remembered to look into their eyes and hold their hands. 

A moment

I pull you in close, pleading to God, please let me remember this. I close my eyes, smell your hair, listen to all of your noises, trying so hard. The light from the bed side lamp creates a deep contrast between the light and the shadows. My eyes well with tears; I know it’s impossible. I know someday this night will become a blur of nights and years and that you will grow and grow and never stop. Then you’re cooing, laughing, squealing! I’m laughing and sobbing. I catch it on film, somehow!!! Your sweet and silly expressions, your electric blue eyes, wavy red hair that is already thinning and changing. You want to eat. I start to nurse you, and you hold on to my finger so tightly with your little hand.