May 31, 2016

Dear Rose

"Dear rose, I misplaced
Everything you gave me
You gave me everything

And i do apologize
And hope you'll think of me
As someone who'd do anything
Anything for you."

-Nina Nastasia

Just listening and singing and weeping because of no explainable reason. My daughter Ella is sleeping in my bed, Harriet is beautiful and in my arms and Frederick has eaten 5 carrots and still going. We will probably go outside in the beautiful sunshine after eating.  Collin walked in the door and my happiness overflowed. 


Collin- went grocery shopping last night and came home and cut up vegetables and prepped the whole fridge to make it easier for me. We have had some stresses that have come between us but are looking to find our way together in this new life. 

Freddie- is 4.5 and doesn't always listen the best but really had stepped it up in helping me. When I talk to him and tell him I need his help he really responds. 

Harriet- I've had to hide her clothes. Every time getting dressed is this giant ordeal with tears and changing a dozen times. She picks something and then somehow it becomes so emotional. So I hide her clothes and give her a few options to choose from. I want her to be able to pick and be creative. But right now I sometimes just need her to get dressed. This girl tries my patience like crazy but she is wonderful, special, creative, beautiful and sweet too.
Grandma bought her an Elsa doll while she was here and she carries it around with her EVERYWHERE every moment. She also named her "Anna." 

Ella- growing!!!!! Not that teeny tiny bird anymore! Filling or her newborn clothes. I've been working on her baby book, writing and gluing pictures in. It amazes me that I have another beautiful child. That no matter what happens, she is ours forever. We are we forever. She is precious. Each of my children were in this stage once and I love that seeing her and her movements, faces, mannerisms, remind me of them and moments we had together. Motherhood is the most fulfilling role I've ever had. It will continue to challenge and bless me for eternity. 

Dot- sweet patient kitty is here and loving and takes all the affection she can get. She is low man #4 these days and I don't always get to feed her right away but she is content and cuddly still. What a blessing she is, always. 

Last night was the first night I was on my own for bedtime. I was doing good, staying calm, but by the end there was screaming and we were all in tears. We all eventually fell asleep and it worked it. It will get better with time. I'm so thankful for the women and people I surround myself with physically and through technology. I was asking my friend some questions about nursing and she referred me to the LLL hotline. Duh, you would think I would have thought about that but I didn't and she did. And then another texted me back and forth with encouraging words that I can do this. I started feeling really lonely last night but sleep and the morning light heal me most often. 
Also-this scripture I read with the kids last night (and by the way, we were reading and I was trying and the kids were going a little nuts and the spirit told me to just read the one scripture. I didn't need to be ambitious. Just learn from his scripture.)
And it said...
To read the words of God to heal a wounded heart. I don't feel I have a wounded heart at the moment but I know Heavenly Father loves me and Collin and these babes. 

I've been reading the book, "the First Forty Days," about postpartum care. It is a beautiful eye-opening book. There are ideas and recipes for healthy and doable meals and advice on caring for myself, my babe, and my family. I highly recommend reading it in pregnancy to prepare. 

Sleep is scarce. I'm up a few times a night w Ella (lights on necessary to nurse and change diapers). Collin is exhausted too. But we are surviving and happy. 

Little strawberry 

Hattie loves our swingset in our side backyard and runs to it every chance she breaks free. We Love our yard but we know we need a fenced yard soon for these little explorers. 

Our place is on the right. I love it. 

Mama nursing and my little bookworms; this is real life. 

Sarah and Ete Ahping came to visit. 

This morning. Before Collin left for work and my first day with three kids on my own. And he's coming home early today so I'm breaking in gently. I got a sollybaby wrap this time (in place of my moby before) and I'm so glad!!!! It's so nice and soft and lightweight and perfect for us. It folds up tiny and goes in my bag and it's easy to pull up and nurse in without taking it off completely. I love love love it. I wouldn't be able to have 3 kids without baby wearing. No way. 

DELICIOUS Filling breakfast⏫⏫⏫
Almond butter and oats are amazingly delicious. Add a little bit of dark chocolate for a healthy way to beat sweets cravings. Blueberries and bananas and walnuts and granola and pumpkin seeds. So good. Plus the oats are a slow release energy source so it helps you stay fuller longer. Yum. 

My mom and Collin filled the house with flowers. Beautiful. 

Eating his cereal and almond milk. 

Peonies are beating out ranunculus for my fav flowers these days. 

May 22, 2016

One week

So I keep thinking today about how a week ago you came out of my body and into my life forever. You weren't here and then you were. (And I'm not pregnant anymore, wooo!!) It's mind boggling. I love you so much. We still don't really know each other yet. But I love you. We both got a little congested this week and the past 2 nights you've cried more and it has been a little more difficult to nurse. It reminds me that this journey will not be easy. I will have a big wake up call when dada and grandma are not here with me to help at all times. For a while we will take it easy, stay home a lot, stay in the back yard. I'm looking forward to life with my babies. What a wonderful life. I love having children. I love that you all are my whole world and are my hobbies and interests right now. Daddy and I think about you. We love you, worry about you, are proud of you and excited for your futures. 
Big brother and sissy love you and love each other. You lucky gal. 

May 18, 2016

Hello Bunny!

The days roll by and the BIG FEELINGS roll out with each one of us in our new family of 5. We all LOVE our little birdie, Ella. We all want to hold her by ourselves and change diapers and bundle her. She's the best. My milk came in and WOWZA. Milk. Leaking milk everywhere. Ella and I and my bedroom smell like milk. Hehe. 
We are trying to get ahold of some kind of routine. That will help a lot but there has been stress and lots of tears and crazy bedtimes and little sleep. All part of the fun!!!! πŸ˜¬πŸ˜…πŸ™ƒπŸ˜œπŸ˜³πŸ˜”πŸ˜‹πŸ˜€πŸ˜©πŸ˜΅πŸ˜­πŸ˜‘πŸ˜šπŸ˜€
My mom has been great to have here: cooking meals, cleaning up, helping with the kids and loving them. 
I feel amazing for the most part. But I can't do a lot. With much walking I get breathless because of all my organs and guts settling back into place. I had zero tearing or trama with the birth so that's awesome. I still get a little sore sitting on my bum for too long or in my stomach if I bend over too much. So I'm in bed mostly but I love getting outside once a day for fresh air. It's BEAUTIFUL outside. What an awesome time to have a baby. 
Our friends, Milli and Abe, were going to come to film and photograph the birth, but with it happening so fast, there was no chance. I wanted to document Ella's first days so they stopped by and took a few shots of her and our family. And my dear Jayna will be up here in a week.5 to do a newborn photo shoot. I can't wait for that!! 
Little Ella is soooo cute. She's so sweet and (have I mentioned😜) TINY? For real we can't get over how small she is. She's pretty much 50% across the board just like Freddie but she's just so small compar d to them! 
Nap time for me!!!!!

May 15, 2016

The incredible tale of the birth of Ella Claire Smith: a calm quiet girl who entered this world faster than lightning.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, May 14, 2016. We were up getting ready to leave the house and go grocery shopping. A friend of mine has a cleaning business and was going to clean our house as another preparation for the birth that would seemingly happen in the very distant future. We realized we didn't have everything we needed for her to clean so Collin decided to run out to the store to grab a few supplies. I really didn't want to go; I was unsure of why exactly. He left at 9:35 AM. I had no warning that my baby was about to come to me. As he was walking out the door I felt a couple of pains, then denial, and then after a few more pains looked at Freddie and Hattie and had some sort of out of body experience and I knew. I checked myself and there was the head and the waters were still intact! I started the bathwater, put a plastic sheet on the bed, and gave the phone to Freddie, instructing him to, "call daddy and tell him to come home--the baby is coming; I can feel the head." Freddie was very helpful and did exactly that right away. This was 9:46 AM. Then I called Jessica, our midwife, and my friend Bethany and told her we have to reschedule the house cleaning. Big surge! Followed by a small moment of panic, and I got in the tub. I knew I could handle it if I could get into the water. Freddie turned off the water for me. Hattie wanted a Band-Aid and he got it for her. I was nervous but I turned on Hypnobirthing and let go. I felt as if my body and the baby were one entity working together, and that I was another, meant to give in, breathe, allow them to work, trust in them. I did. Collin was home at 9:52 AM and asked if he should fill up the birth pool. I said, "no time." He was taken away to help the kids and apparently Bethany was at the door. I was on my own and it felt very right. One strong surge, a gush with the waters breaking, and a long push with lots of breathing. I didn't know if I could endure but I also knew it would be fast. I felt down and the head was halfway out then out! Collin walked by and I called to him and shushed him. He was so surprised to see the head and gasped for joy. He held one of my legs up just lightly as I was on my side in the tub and was tired. The water had called to me and I think it made it all possible. Collin called the kids in, and there were excited cheers. It was the four of us and I was beyond happy about that. They just watched quietly, so excited! But it was almost 5 of us now! Our baby was just head out, but wiggling back-and-forth, trying to get out! It was amazing! Collin checked everything out to make sure all was safe and coming smoothly. Another big surge and big push and the whole body was out. I lifted the tiny baby to my chest myself, so glad it was over and we had our little one. I asked, "girl or boy?!" And Collin, so excited hat we could know, looked and announced, "a girl!" A minute or two before 10AM. We were all overjoyed. Altogether. We took pictures and videos. It felt so sacred that it was just us. Jessica arrived just minutes later, at 10:02AM. The whole thing start to finish, was about 15 to 20 minutes and birth about 8 or 10 minutes. 

Right after she was born, we all got so weepy. I'm humbled to dust just looking at her. She looks just like Freddie and Hattie.  I'm so blessed to have another healthy child and to have had an amazing birthing experience just as I envisioned. 

Jessica was wonderful. She was the right person for us every step of the way this pregnancy. She believed in me, advised me, encouraged and empowered me. I feel that because she believed in me so much I was able to do what I did on my own. It was incredible to be in my own home. Peaceful and right. Comfortable and easy. 

God had such a hand in all of this. He led, guided and taught me. He taught me to trust in him. He knows me so individually, as if I am his only precious child. He gave me another of his children to care for. It's a miracle. He trusts me too. 

Collin is dewy-eyed, happy, and loves us all. He's supportive and kind. Freddie is protective and helpful. He helped Collin cut the cord and would not be satisfied until the baby was nursing. Harriet loves the baby. Kisses her and says, "I love you," and tells everyone, "this is mommy's baby." She often runs into my room where we are lying in the bed together and asks, "mommy where is your baby?" And wants to hold her or wrap her or see her or kiss her. Freddie loves to help change her diapers and loves to hold her by himself. At one point I heard him say proudly to himself or whomever was listening, "a home water birth!" Neither of them were scared or startled or uneasy at the birth. They were well prepared but also it was just so natural and beautiful and exciting! After the birth they both went off to watch some TV and then went to play with a family in our neighborhood for the afternoon. 

Jessica and her assistant Liz, gave Collin and I time together with just our daughter for a while. I put her on my tummy and she crawled up to my breast and I helped her start to nurse. She and I are learning to nurse together. It's a whole new experience with the two of us and we are figuring it out. After a while she was weighed and examined and found perfect in every way. The afterbirth pains are strong but not unbearable. The placenta and cord were healthy. I had to deliver the membrane in several pieces but all is well. There was no tearing or trama of any kind. My midwife believes I experienced something called the Fetal Ejection Reflux, this amazing thing that can happen in undisturbed births where it goes so quickly like this. Read more here...

This little girl is our smallest child yet -- 7 pounds, 8 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long. 

We have received many wonderful texts and messages wishing us well from friends and family. And we have received an overwhelming amount of support from our neighbors. It's extremely touching to us that people we have known for less than 10 months have rallied around us, so eager to help in any way. Today the kids have been so sweet and little balls of big emotions. Such a big transition this will be and I suspect it will get harder before it gets easier, but no matter what, I'm grateful beyond anything. My mom arrived late last night, which is exciting for everyone. I feel good and I'm so tired. Ella has been sleeping well, pooping, peeing, nursing, smiling, making adorable cooing noises. She's everything we could have hoped for. Now pictures. 

This is me at Collin's cousin's wedding the night before---I had had a few surges that felt very much like warm ups, but wasn't uncomfortable and had no clue I would have my babe in less than 12 hours (but this is a pattern w me.)