March 27, 2016

Lost and found

Weakness
Fear
Insecurity
Insecurities
Doubt
Sadness
Loneliness
Mistakes
Avoidance
Contention
Confrontation
Lies
Jealousy
Judgement
Embarrassment
Anger
Blame
Misunderstanding
Ignorance

These are among the many things I have or do or will struggle with in some big or small way or another in my life. The Atonement of Jesus Christ allows for healing, recognition, enlightenment, repentance and change. 

Freddie and I laid in his bed, speaking of the story of Jesus Christ last night. It's a lot for a little one to understand, so we keep it simple, but he voiced some of his concerns and fears to me and I did my best to listen and comfort and counsel him. It's hard when I myself have fears and am a little child, too, when it comes to knowledge and understanding in the great scheme of things. My finite mind does not comprehend the full magnitude or meaning of the atonement. Yet I as I couldn't sleep tonight, I read much of the story of Christ's last few days as a mortal man on this earth and found insights and comforts to certain and very specific issues and questions I have right now. 

That is a miracle to me-that though the atonement and resurrection are so big and so massively hard to comprehend to my small and inexperienced brain, I do have experience with it. It answers and corrects and connects even the seemingly smallest of things that are troubling me...that are of great emotion and fear to me. God loves me on a level I can't understand right now. He somehow knows me personally. He somehow hears and answers and guides me through every prayer and wish and doubt and need. And somehow Jesus Christ has felt every single sorrow and deep pain and loneliness of my heart. He is real. They are real, I know for sure. And all I can think to do is to learn of them, try to draw closer to them through obedience, which can be a daily struggle and success, to try my best to teach my children where to look for a remission of their sins, and to forgive and ask forgiveness of my partner each day. These things do not all come easily or naturally to me. But I feel I can do better with the knowledge I gain from gospel study and worship of God and the support I feel from the Savior. 

Happy Easter, today. I have found peace tonight and life, though somtimes seemingly dark, is bright and beautiful. 













The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

March 13, 2016

Thirty-two

Another year older! 
I woke up this morning feeling so grateful for my family, my husband, my children, my cat, my home, the sunshine+bulbs popping up all over our yard, my unborn baby and all the wonder and beauty possibility coming to me. 
I went to choir today and was in awe of my little boy, 4 and a half years old this month, passing out books, helping, singing with another primary kid in front of us all. 
Then during sacrament both Freddie and Hattie were having a hard time, not listening, spilling food, laying in the aisles, and I worked with my partner the best we could to calm them, teach them, punish them!!!! (Haha for real....what to do when there are three??) 
We went through the meetings and I feel a sense of belonging, being needed and special, even in a group so diverse and talented. I was reminded that I know for sure that God knows me and hears and answers me and that we are here on this earth to take care of each other. 
After church we had a ward activity, a "linger longer potluck," where we all came together and ate and talked and laughed and got to know each other better. The kids ran around together in and outside. It felt like a real family. I was overwhelmed by my love for those people in my ward and for their love and concern for me and my family. It's so hard to miss my best friends and family from Phoenix and Florida---and whomever is reading this. It really is. But God expands me and my love and my ability to be loved. He provides opportunities for my social little family and helps us see now and again that we are good and he accepts our sacrifices and mistakes and attempts to have faith in his plan for us. 
And now, after a 2.5 hour family nap, it's time to get up and get ready for my family bday party. Yahoo! I haven't been eating any sugar or junk food at all and have been limiting my carbs and sugars etc but I'm totally having (just a little) bday cake and ice cream tonight! 😆😜💗🎉💗

























March 6, 2016

Out out out! We can be out!

Hike it baby! We joined this group; they meet a few times a week and do baby/mama/carrier friendly hikes all over salt lake. This was our first one and it was so much fun. We loved the ladies we went with and they thought my kids were hilarious. Fred does awesome on hikes now and wants to be ahead and in charge. Hattie still cries at times and wants to be held lots. Mostly I make her tough it out till the end, and then I'll carry her. 




There were some really slippery icy parts. 



Hanging out in our pjs on the Capitol lawn. Sometimes we need to get out and can't take the time to dress everyone. The SUN has been wonderful. 


Found a giant awesome worm
Fred wanted to run w this dog. It was so cute. And hilarious. The dog would run to him too and excitedly jump on the poor boy, who was half his size. Haha great learning moments. 
Free zoo day, yay!!


I love them, even when they don't listen, but especially when we just have a good time together. 





Park. Collecting stuff. 

Dot greets as we come home. (We leave the side window open for her during the warm-hot months) she's just as thrilled as we are to be able to go outside again. 
Daredevil. All the moms freak out and probably think I'm so careless. But if a girl wants to hang off the edge of a jungle gym...what can I do about it???

Then came a windy cloudy day. 



Art class at the Main Library
And eating at the park after. These two were up to all kinds of mischief. 
Singing Frozen songs. 

Walks around the neighborhood. They do our souls so good.