The door is round and open; do not fall back asleep

Your wild hair. I love to touch it, pull it back, twirl it around my fingers into curls. You let me more and more now, but still push me away a little. You are just like me. Just like I was. We are bonded forever. You stir a little but keep your hand on my shoulder. You know I'm here. 

*He slowly-then quickly tip toes into the room, eyes squinting with the light.* You need me. You need to go to the bathroom but the light isn't on. I go too, then you run back to my room instead of yours and hide under the blanket. Ok, stay here till daddy gets home. We cuddle close till you fall asleep, my heavy breathing in the quiet. Your eyes open, staring, blinking, and finally sleeping. 

She lays right on top of my hip, readjusting, then settling again. I need to get up but I can't make myself. I love her closeness, her trust, her loyalty, her softness and honesty and kindness. She goes, then comes back again. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without her. 

You, little one, are stretching and kicking and pushing and surging and letting me know you're coming to me soon. You are so close to my heart; you are me and I am you, for just a little while longer. 

He's here now. The one I want. He's tired and falls right in: collapses practically, close, with big arms over and through me. He tells me and we both sigh, exhausted, together, as one. I tell him too, and there's so much to do, but all we can do is lie here and then fall asleep mid-sentence. I hear soft snoring and feel comfort knowing he's really here. I turn over; it takes a minute, our hands are still touching. It's different now, then it was, isn't it? But it's better too. 

Happy May Day and happy happy Sunday.

This morning on the way to church...Freddie dropped off this note and flowers from our yard at his friend, our neighbor's house. So fun and cute!! His grandma Lulu told him about May Day and he has been anxiously waiting for it. 

I was like, "hurry, run!!" And he was like, "I'm supposed to hurry??" Hehehehhe. Everything is fun with this guy. 

Beauty girl met us in the garden after church. 

Tonight! And Collin is working it. 😜😜

My big 38/9ish week belly. Wooooo my baby I love you. Can't wait to see you!!

Watching together. 

AND HALLELUJAH. Asleep by 7pm!!

My baby girl, Dot. 

Their new bed. It's super comfy and I can sleep on It too. 

The devotional by Elder and Sister Maynes about Joseph Smith and the Restoration was wonderful. He asked us to answer a question on social media about a time when Heavenly Father answered my prayer as I searched for truth. 

Having a third baby has been a huge decision for me. We thought we might be done after Freddie and Harriet. But then I couldn't deny a spiritual feeling I kept getting that we weren't done. I prayed about it, asking God if it were right. I talked to my husband. After a lot of discussion we decided together to try to have another baby. During pregnancy I have mostly been excited to meet this new little person, but you know there are those days when you have a hard time w motherhood or personhood or in your marriage or so many things and just a couple of times when I've thought, what have I done?? We can't do this. We can't take care for another person, or how am I going to do this. When this happened, I prayed humbly and sincerely and got a very strong feeling from the spirit that I'm doing what is right for me and for us and that it is good and what is God comes from God. Heavenly Father answers prayers. I know this. #ldsdevo 

Harriet Jillian...

...Is growing up so quickly! At 3 months, she's just under 14lbs, between 24 & 25 inches, and has the best little personality.

She has found her feet and loves to hold them and suck on her own toes. 

She loves her brother so much and every time he even looks at her, she cracks up laughing. 

She talks and talks and talks all day. We are going to have the best conversations. 

She loves to nurse and sleep. She seems to really know the night from the day. I love cuddling her little warm body every night. 

She and I have formed a strong bond. She loves being with me, close to me, in my arms, or worn on me all day. I love it too. She definitely knows me though; she's had a little bit of separation anxiety already as I try to work out at the gym. I can't go for more than 30 minutes and sometimes only 15-20 before she starts crying, hard. Screaming. And so I think it's too soon. I want her to grow confident and assured that I will be there for her always and answer to her honest infant cries right now. I will still work out but will do more at home and outside with these two. When she's a little older I will try the gym more. I love her so much. As soon as I hold her to me and speak to her, she stops crying and calms down. Her tears are big, eyes red, forehead sweaty, hands shaky, let's stuff and then she relaxes, calms, whimpers, falls asleep in my arms or nursing. 

I think she may be teething or may just know that sucking is comforting because she always wants something in her mouth!! I'll think she's showing hunger cues and will try to feed her more and she will refuse but keep pulling toys, her own clothes, stuffed animals etc into her mouth to suck on!! Freddie never liked those teething rings so we got rid of them all but I think I might have to try one for Harriet. 

I love having a daughter and love her happy ticklish body, her smiles and laughs and how she wakes and falls asleep. I love her chunky thighs and bold blue eyes and gums and fingers that grabs everything.
Tandem nursing can be challenging but is definitely a blessing that I love and that we all want and need. I also love the many times little Hattie Hat and I nurse just the two of us. She's so sweet and small. I love her and those other 2 and the kitties. I am getting the hang of mother to many more and more.


Gotta go!!!

Hattie eating ball from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

Babes in toy land

I've been behind in blogging lately. I'm still working on posts from the last few weeks. But this morning we are about to watch General Conference (lds.org) and I'm pretty happy and grateful feeling. I love this family of mine. I love our strange, sweet life together, our too small for us apartment, trying to keep up with dishes and laundry, getting outside as much as possible before the heat, making food, breastfeeding all day, two kids, adventures in being married to Collin, happiest baby Hattie smiles, trotro, kitties, babywearing, cosleeping, three oldest children living in one house head butting, my darling special son who radiates light to everyone he comes in contact with. I could go on. I'm feeling so blessed and positive. Yes we have our problems. But I will focus on the blessings. Happy general conference! (And here's to lots of projects around the apt today in between!)

Freddie loves me taking pictures of him with hattie!!!

nursing, sleeping, night weaning!

For Fred's whole life he's pretty much woken up every 2 hours to nurse, which I NEVER minded before because we were co-sleeping (till he was a year, then he'd go to sleep in his room and sleep walk into ours) and he would nurse in his and MY sleep. I hardly noticed at all and never felt slept deprived...but then I got pregnant and my milk vanished and the nursing hurt like crap and rather than gulping it down for about 5 minutes he just sucked and sucked for an hour or MORE!!!!! ahhhh.

So suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. Suddenly we had to make changes. Luckily, because my milk was decreasing by the moment, I've never gone through painful engorgement even though this has happened pretty rapidly. A friend had sent me this article, and I really like how gentle it was when it came to co sleeping and night weaning and how seriously it took the emotional attachment of a long time nursing relationship. But I also liked how sympathetic he was to needing sleep!!

Collin and I read it over apart and then together. We made a game plan, and we started. I honestly never saw it working. I couldn't see Frederick, who pretty much loves to nurse more than anything in the world, going 7+ hours straight without nursing. But, he did. Since we started he has not nursed from 11pm-6am.  We thought it would be difficult because he has a floor bed and can come into our room freely, and I also thought he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep without it but each time he came in, one of us picked him up, cuddled him, sang, laid him down and he went to sleep on his own within 5-15 minutes!!

We skipped the "nursing for a little while but not to sleep" because there's no way he'd ever stop. The first few days we gave him whole wheat tortilla and water, which he gobbled down vigorously. And MAN did he cry HARD. And it was definitely that ANGRY ANGRY cry. When I took him he wouldn't cry very much, just whimper cause I wouldn't let him nurse, but I was firm and consistent. I told him the milk was asleep at night from now on. It seemed to work. When Collin would take him, a couple of times he acted so mad that Collin was KEEPING him from his mommy! But he got over that. It was hard to hear him cry like that, and although I was used to no sleep, Collin had a bit of a hard time. But we stuck with it. After the first 4 days he wasn't really interested in the food part and would just drink. Then he would even deny that sometimes.

Now he goes from bedtime (about 7:30-8) to 6 or 7am without nursing. He does still wake 1-2 times per night, but he goes right back to sleep and we're working on it gradually. He's doing really great. He's just 1.5 years, after all! And Collin and I wonder WHO ever came up with the expectation of babies sleeping so perfectly so soon? I mean it's nice and all, but seriously, what adult doesn't wake now and then for a glass of water or to pee or because of a weird dream? And we have decades on them!!
Since I have no milk (it's turning into colostrum...AWESOME Kellymom article HERE). Fred is eating so much more regular food throughout the day. He nurses 1-2 times a day just for closeness, comfort, calm, familiar. And I love it. Life is good again.

It's good to see that everything we've done hasn't completely screwed him up...though I'm sure we'll make changes here and there with the next one. I know it's not for everyone, but we've loved co sleeping and nursing and how confident and independent while still appropriately attached to us it's helping him become. 

Now if only I could teach him to not throw food on the ground, spill every glass of water on PURPOSE, rip records out of their cases and climb up and mess with record player, terrorize the cats, slap and kick us or just teach myself to be patient with any of these!!!!!!!!! hehe. 

a boy and his kitty

It's so hard to stay on top of blogging right now. I'm just doing my best to post photos in a journal type fashion. This doesn't even scratch the surface of life in fullness, but it'll have to do for now!

My Frederick
 

 

Dottie comes and sleeps with us/him every day. She's so sweet. And he's....less dangerous when he's not awake. 

 

 

If its not broken don't fix it.

We have co-slept since Frederick's birth and for me and all of us that has been how we have gotten the most sleep and have felt the safest. Just recently we have really made up the nursery and I started thinking that maybe it was time to have him sleep in his own bed. He naps in there but not through the night. It would be hard but we would try to have him sleep there. We'd (I'd) be consistent and after a while it (im not sure what exactly) would work. The problem: he still eats at night (and neither of us are interested in weaning any time soon). So he has to wake fully and cry hard to wake me (I would wake in seconds), completely out of it, stumble into his room and either nurse him there and fall asleep resulting in a hurt back and me not in my bed, which defeats the purpose, or I brought him in our bed. Either way he and I got very little sleep. And Collin too because I'd complain to him. A week and a half of no sleep and we both have gotten really cranky and I've been feeling some depression. I felt all wrong. I started over thinking everything and feeling very alone in every way. Then last night I went to a la leche league meeting and got some good advice. Nichelle, my doctor who delivered him, the lll leader, and several experienced moms asked, if it isn't broken why was i trying to fix it? If we all got plenty of sleep before, I had lots of energy, Fred was confident, growing and happy, i got along better with Collin because I wasn't passive-aggressively mad at him for being able to sleep through most anything, why was I trying to change things??? I realized I wasn't ready to stop co sleeping yet. And he definitely isn't. He is going through major separation anxiety right now. Only wants me. And instead of trying to get away from it I want to embrace it! Soon enough he will be older and excited about his own room and independence. He is majorly teething and growing like crazy. And he is eating all the time-not because he isn't getting enough but because he is working on major motor skills (he walked 3 steps in a row yesterday) and using every muscle all the time and is trying to get my milk supply up!
It is amazing to get some clarity and remember that I'm doing these things because they work for me and my family. I love support groups!