In the days/weeks before your birth...

Dear little one, I will be 40 weeks pregnant in two days. I am excited for you to come to our family and my arms. We have been doing lots of fun things this summer to keep busy but also taking it slowly, one day at a time and not over scheduling ourselves. The kids have been doing a summer camp, art and games in the park, and swimming lessons every night for a month. Now we’ve taken a break from it all.
We have been staying close to home, and staying cool as it hit 100 degrees outside this week!!! Friends have been rallying around us, helping me feel loved and supported. We have grown close as a family and we love to have a long breakfast time with stories and reading the Book of Mormon every day. Freddie and Hattie took Moroni’s challenge and prayed about the Book of Mormon to know if it is true. They both said they felt the Holy Ghost tell them it is true and that they felt so happy. Mom and dad love your siblings and are so proud of them. They love each other. We ALL love you.
I have been trying to prepare my mind for labor and birth and have been practicing Hypnobirthing, reading The First Forty Days and a nursing guide book to refresh. We will be together soon.

Pregnancy with Babe 4

I haven’t written on here in a very long time, but I’ve been wanting to record some things with this pregnancy. I just reread the birth stories of my 3 children and feel so grateful and am looking forward to this upcoming birth.
It’s March 10, 2019, and I’m 20.5 weeks along. We have not yet hired a midwife. The midwife we had for our last birth, Jessica, is unavailable this summer, and we have interviewed several midwives and birth centers and have not felt the right fit with anyone quite yet. Though we are kept very busy at this time in our lives, we are constantly aware and thinking of this new little one coming to us. I do prenatal yoga and exercises at home with the girls 3-4 times a week, and Collin and I have been taking a Hypnobirthing class again, practicing and reading every day and night.
Joseph comes over every Thursday night to watch the kids while we are in our class. They LOVE it and have so much fun and go to sleep right away for him when it’s time. He does such a great job and we are SUPER grateful for his ability and willingness.
I have enjoyed meditating and taking time to connect with this babe.
It hasn’t been the smoothest road. Collin and I have experienced a lot of stresses together recently. I’ve been more emotional than ever during this pregnancy, but constantly getting better as we work through things, talk, make goals together, and love each other.
When I had Hattie and Ella, there were no kids in school, no actual commitments besides doctors appointments and library story times. The transition to having 3 kids was so huge, but we were able to stay home for a good 6 months before we were out and about with just the kids and me.
This time, the baby is due end of July to mid August. And then school starts at the end of August.  Fred will be 2nd grade, and Hattie, half day kindergarten! We’ve planned to have collin take Fred and hat in the mornings, and I have a friend with a daughter in Fred’s class and who will have a kindergatener next year as well, who lives pretty close to us. I’ll go get the Kinders at 12:15pm everyday and then the friend will get Fred and bring him home in the afternoons. There will also be piano lessons and let’s play music but it looks like it’s all going to work out. I have faith that it will because we have felt so strongly that we need to have this baby. And we are so excited to. We’ve wanted him or her for some time. I’m hoping to get help from the ward and neighbors in the first few weeks, and then have my mom come for the start of school for two or so weeks to help drive. Then....it’ll just all have to work out. The kids are so extremely excited and proud. They are so sweet with me and understanding.

When we told them, Fred just kept wanting to snuggle me. He will come up to me and snuggle and kiss my belly, so proud. He says, “I really hope it’s a brother, but I know it’ll be a girl.” I answer that it’s a 50/50 chance of having a boy or a girl. He says, “no, it’s a 50/40 chance,” (50% girl; 40% boy. 😂💕) He snuggles my belly and talks to the baby every night.
The other day I did the BEST pregnatal yoga stretches and Hattie massaged me the whole time! My legs, back, arms, neck. Very lightly, SO gentle and sweetly. She's so sweet. Ella tried to beat me up half the time so it all balances out. 😂🤪
Ella loves the baby too though. She is convinced the he or she is inside one of my breasts. She says, “baby going to come out and sit by me.” My milk has been gone since about 4-5 weeks ago and she hasn’t nursed in 3 weeks. She’s asked but I always change the subject because it’s too irritating right now. She’s usually fine to go get a snack together instead, but there has been once or twice where she’s just laid her head in my lap and sobbed. I love her so much. I would love to have her start again when the baby comes, but I’m wondering if she’ll forget how. It’ll all work out.
Each of the kids will be amazing siblings to this new one. I can’t wait to see them altogether.
I’ll start pregnatal yoga wth Alicia at Utah prenanttal yoga next week, and I can’t wait.
Next week I turn 35! I love being pregnant on my bday. It feel so special. I remember all the bdays I've been pregnant. Every one except Hattie, whom I got pregnant with ON my bday. (Or right about).
My 27th with Fred in DC. My mom and Joseph came out to visit on spring break. We went to mount Vernon and an Irish pub. Friends came over for cake. We had been trying to get pregnant with Hattie for a while and after March at turning 30, found out right on general conference Saturday that we were expecting her! With Ella, at our home on Capitol Hill, i turned 32, and we had a party with all the Nesbit family in Utah. It was so fun and after everyone left just the 4 smiths climbed the Capitol steps for a night time view of Salt Lake City.
I’ve been going to bed pretty early most nights. I feel very well. I get good sleep off and on depending on the kids and how they sleep usually. Some mornings I wake early and can’t fall back asleep like this morning. It’s quiet and a nice time to think. I have been reading the Book of Mormon again, this time paying attention to the parenting. This was the idea of Elder Ballard, who came and spoke to the young married couples in our stake recently. It’s been great. Fred and I also love to read a scripture about baptism almost every morning, in preparation for his own baptism. He simply cannot wait to be baptized. Collin and I try to study come follow me every morning and have been making efforts to study as a family too. There are great resources in this very inspired program. I feel very blessed and am trying to keep on top of it all.

Good morning.

"Prone to leave that God I love."

Those lyrics get me weepy every time I hear them. This morning Collin had this song playing and I heard that line and was struck once again with the sentiment of it: that I am human and am constantly and inevitably messing up, rebelling. God is my father and I got a quick glimpse and reminder of how much he must have meant to me in the pre-earth life. I know I loved him then and I love him now. I have become quite close to him during this pregnancy, learning to rely on him more fully and go to him consistently and out of obedience more instead of only out of fear or needing something. He means so much to me. I love him. I love God, my father. 

Yet I leave him. I rebell. I yell; I forget; I offend; I don't hear or act. Things get in the way. 

It's emotional for me to think about. Probably even more so because if his endless forgiveness and unconditional love and arm outstretched to me.  

The door is round and open; do not fall back asleep

Your wild hair. I love to touch it, pull it back, twirl it around my fingers into curls. You let me more and more now, but still push me away a little. You are just like me. Just like I was. We are bonded forever. You stir a little but keep your hand on my shoulder. You know I'm here. 

*He slowly-then quickly tip toes into the room, eyes squinting with the light.* You need me. You need to go to the bathroom but the light isn't on. I go too, then you run back to my room instead of yours and hide under the blanket. Ok, stay here till daddy gets home. We cuddle close till you fall asleep, my heavy breathing in the quiet. Your eyes open, staring, blinking, and finally sleeping. 

She lays right on top of my hip, readjusting, then settling again. I need to get up but I can't make myself. I love her closeness, her trust, her loyalty, her softness and honesty and kindness. She goes, then comes back again. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do without her. 

You, little one, are stretching and kicking and pushing and surging and letting me know you're coming to me soon. You are so close to my heart; you are me and I am you, for just a little while longer. 

He's here now. The one I want. He's tired and falls right in: collapses practically, close, with big arms over and through me. He tells me and we both sigh, exhausted, together, as one. I tell him too, and there's so much to do, but all we can do is lie here and then fall asleep mid-sentence. I hear soft snoring and feel comfort knowing he's really here. I turn over; it takes a minute, our hands are still touching. It's different now, then it was, isn't it? But it's better too.