Pregnancy with Babe 4

I haven’t written on here in a very long time, but I’ve been wanting to record some things with this pregnancy. I just reread the birth stories of my 3 children and feel so grateful and am looking forward to this upcoming birth.
It’s March 10, 2019, and I’m 20.5 weeks along. We have not yet hired a midwife. The midwife we had for our last birth, Jessica, is unavailable this summer, and we have interviewed several midwives and birth centers and have not felt the right fit with anyone quite yet. Though we are kept very busy at this time in our lives, we are constantly aware and thinking of this new little one coming to us. I do prenatal yoga and exercises at home with the girls 3-4 times a week, and Collin and I have been taking a Hypnobirthing class again, practicing and reading every day and night.
Joseph comes over every Thursday night to watch the kids while we are in our class. They LOVE it and have so much fun and go to sleep right away for him when it’s time. He does such a great job and we are SUPER grateful for his ability and willingness.
I have enjoyed meditating and taking time to connect with this babe.
It hasn’t been the smoothest road. Collin and I have experienced a lot of stresses together recently. I’ve been more emotional than ever during this pregnancy, but constantly getting better as we work through things, talk, make goals together, and love each other.
When I had Hattie and Ella, there were no kids in school, no actual commitments besides doctors appointments and library story times. The transition to having 3 kids was so huge, but we were able to stay home for a good 6 months before we were out and about with just the kids and me.
This time, the baby is due end of July to mid August. And then school starts at the end of August.  Fred will be 2nd grade, and Hattie, half day kindergarten! We’ve planned to have collin take Fred and hat in the mornings, and I have a friend with a daughter in Fred’s class and who will have a kindergatener next year as well, who lives pretty close to us. I’ll go get the Kinders at 12:15pm everyday and then the friend will get Fred and bring him home in the afternoons. There will also be piano lessons and let’s play music but it looks like it’s all going to work out. I have faith that it will because we have felt so strongly that we need to have this baby. And we are so excited to. We’ve wanted him or her for some time. I’m hoping to get help from the ward and neighbors in the first few weeks, and then have my mom come for the start of school for two or so weeks to help drive. Then....it’ll just all have to work out. The kids are so extremely excited and proud. They are so sweet with me and understanding.

When we told them, Fred just kept wanting to snuggle me. He will come up to me and snuggle and kiss my belly, so proud. He says, “I really hope it’s a brother, but I know it’ll be a girl.” I answer that it’s a 50/50 chance of having a boy or a girl. He says, “no, it’s a 50/40 chance,” (50% girl; 40% boy. 😂💕) He snuggles my belly and talks to the baby every night.
The other day I did the BEST pregnatal yoga stretches and Hattie massaged me the whole time! My legs, back, arms, neck. Very lightly, SO gentle and sweetly. She's so sweet. Ella tried to beat me up half the time so it all balances out. 😂🤪
Ella loves the baby too though. She is convinced the he or she is inside one of my breasts. She says, “baby going to come out and sit by me.” My milk has been gone since about 4-5 weeks ago and she hasn’t nursed in 3 weeks. She’s asked but I always change the subject because it’s too irritating right now. She’s usually fine to go get a snack together instead, but there has been once or twice where she’s just laid her head in my lap and sobbed. I love her so much. I would love to have her start again when the baby comes, but I’m wondering if she’ll forget how. It’ll all work out.
Each of the kids will be amazing siblings to this new one. I can’t wait to see them altogether.
I’ll start pregnatal yoga wth Alicia at Utah prenanttal yoga next week, and I can’t wait.
Next week I turn 35! I love being pregnant on my bday. It feel so special. I remember all the bdays I've been pregnant. Every one except Hattie, whom I got pregnant with ON my bday. (Or right about).
My 27th with Fred in DC. My mom and Joseph came out to visit on spring break. We went to mount Vernon and an Irish pub. Friends came over for cake. We had been trying to get pregnant with Hattie for a while and after March at turning 30, found out right on general conference Saturday that we were expecting her! With Ella, at our home on Capitol Hill, i turned 32, and we had a party with all the Nesbit family in Utah. It was so fun and after everyone left just the 4 smiths climbed the Capitol steps for a night time view of Salt Lake City.
I’ve been going to bed pretty early most nights. I feel very well. I get good sleep off and on depending on the kids and how they sleep usually. Some mornings I wake early and can’t fall back asleep like this morning. It’s quiet and a nice time to think. I have been reading the Book of Mormon again, this time paying attention to the parenting. This was the idea of Elder Ballard, who came and spoke to the young married couples in our stake recently. It’s been great. Fred and I also love to read a scripture about baptism almost every morning, in preparation for his own baptism. He simply cannot wait to be baptized. Collin and I try to study come follow me every morning and have been making efforts to study as a family too. There are great resources in this very inspired program. I feel very blessed and am trying to keep on top of it all.

Good morning.

College essays for BYU application. I am very excited.

recent spiritual revelations and impressions. things I'm learning and trying.

I am supposed to be in this ward; supposed to learn from these women. They are going through things that I will be going through in the next 13+ years. They are sending their chidlren into tthe world at school, on missions. Their children are preparing for educations adn adventures and marriage. I am blessed to have all of these mentors and examples.


We need to have more fun in our home with our kids. I know everyone will say, "Nikki and Collin are so fun!!! And we do have a lot of fun...but life has gotten stressful with another baby (also wonderful, of course). But stress is added to everyone, and less time and more things to do, fewer hands to do them with. We become short. When kids don't cooperate, we make threats, which they never respond well to. We are learning and coming out of certain things and starting new things. The period of adjustment is big for us all. The holidays were quite emotional and stressful on us this year and we are also learning and adjusting from that. Learning to let go and forgive and grow. Not judge. Understand and accept. Teach forgiveness. So all of this is going on and our kids start getting stressed out and acting out and I realize that they seem quite unhappy at the moment. They are having a hard time even wanting to go to school, or with even the smallest amount of cooperation. I prayed. "How can I help them figure this out? How can it get better? Please inspire me."
And then I start cleaning and thinking. And it all comes to me.
We need to have more fun. We get out on adventures, do "fun" things, keep busy. But day to day, at home, I rush myself and them too much. I demand the word, "hurry!!" too much. Collin and I put too much pressure on ourselves, take ourselves so seriously, get offended more easily. This transfers to when our kids want to play, us either saying no, there's not time, or just playing a little and getting tired out. Not laughing about things enough. Not taking the time to let them do it their ways. And when we do an activity, taking too much control. We barely have the brain space to think. And being a parent takes a lot. So we are learning and adjusting and this is part of it.
So we discussed this and Collin agreed and we agreed to try so hard to just have fun.
Say yes.
Have more energy and a happier attitude.
Let our stamina outlast theirs in any game or activity instead of ending it, leaving them to beg for us to keep going.
But how??
According to the Happiness Project, you make it till you make it.
If you need more energy, pretend you have more energy until you have it!
If you need to be happier and let things slide off your back and bounce back and have an upbeat, optimistic attitude, just pretend you can do all those things, and I honestly believe that they will happen.


Goals. I've been listening to The Alison Show podcast. SO inspiring.

Two pieces of advice have stuck out to me.

PRIORITIZE. She insists that if you don't prioritize your life, then someone else will prioritize it for you. MIND BLOWN. So in everything I do, when I start getting overwhelmed or start multitasking to the point that I'm just running around and not realy finishing anything....
prioritize. "What are the most important 3 things right now?"

(this morning)
1. Finish this post. I need to clear my head, write this down, type with my fingers, and feel like I understand myself.
2. Make the kids breakfast.
3. Set up Monopoly JR so we can all play during breakfast and throughout the day.

(in my life this weekend)
1. write down a few things I want to do in Stockholm in a book.
2. help Collin with bringing in the shelf.
3. finish VT report.


MORE TO COME.

Video clips

Unclassified movies Sunday from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

(HAHAHAHAH I think I'm funny. My kids are ZOMBIES in front of the TV. sheesh! Tough crowd!


El standing up from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

Ella Standing at 6 months


Splash splash first bath!! Ella from Nikki smith on Vimeo.
The above pic is her face 90% of the time.


Ella splash was stand from Nikki smith on Vimeo.


Good morning from Nikki smith on Vimeo.


Freds song from Nikki smith on Vimeo.


Mount eerie afternoon and popcorn from Nikki smith on Vimeo.

Missing out?

I read this article in the current issue of the ensign. I recognize that this was a big problem for me growing up...

I've never quite understood why or how I could love school and learning and do really well when I studied, and know how I needed to study to do well, and be a relatively smart person, understand people, and et along with people so well, but throw so many good things away when I was a teenager and in my early 20s because of my love of being social and being with people and having a good time. I'm still a very social person, but much more balanced. Having kids has kind of forced me to be so. And my husband is really good at making decisions, and has taught me so much in terms of thinking through things before acting, planning ahead to reduce stress, making plans and sticking to them, committing and following through. I have always been afraid to do ambitious things.  But I have done a lot on my own and for myself. I don't have the desire to make a name or brand for myself, to sell myself. I am very satisfied with the education I have gotten for now.  I feel that someday in the future, I will pursue education in birth or lactation or art history or mathematics. Did you know I love math? I love algebra and geometry so much. I don't know if I like anything beyond that because I never took anything higher than the requirement to graduate. (The whole social thing being more important.) I love writing but don't have the desire to write for anyone but myself. I don't desire to be a midwife but would love to assist births just to continue to be a part of the birthing world. I would love to help people with breastfeeding someday after my kids are grown. I love art and music history, love the memorization and inspiration. Well, this article inspired a lot of reflecting within myself and I encourage you, blog world out there, to read it and think about it, too. 

Sincerely, Nicole Elizabeth Money Smith

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Are You Afraid of “Missing Out”?

By Natalie Cherie Campbell

Do you know young adults who feel frustration or even severe anxiety when trying to decide between attending a spur-of-the-moment social event and staying home to finish an important assignment or responsibility? Do they usually choose social activities ahead of everything else? Does it seem to become easier and easier for them to turn a blind eye to the consequences of disregarding responsibilities? Perhaps you have even had these same feelings yourself.

I have had friends like that and have wondered how it seemed to become easier for them to deny impending consequences as time went on. When I talked with my friends about it, they admitted having an overwhelming “fear of missing out” that they felt they couldn’t control. It seemed like the more they gave in to their anxiety and did what they wanted to do, the less they felt any accountability for the consequences of missed responsibilities. This seems to be a growing phenomenon among some young adults.

We are all trying to learn to balance our pursuits. But when fear and anxiety control our choices, the results can be damaging. For my friends, it was as if they had sometimes stopped consciously making responsible decisions and were in turn surprised when the consequences came. They made excuses that the decision was out of their control, and thus they undermined their own agency by disregarding the things that matter most (see Matthew 23:23). These outcomes seem to be typical of the fear of missing out. But there is hope.

Using Our Gift of Agency

We know that exercising our agency--the gift that allows us to make choices--is one of the important reasons we are here on earth (see Abraham 3:24–25). It is by making choices and learning from experience that we can progress and gain eternal life. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) testified that “next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man.”

We also know that we have a responsibility to make wise choices. Sometimes it seems overwhelming to have to decide certain things, like which job to accept or whom to marry. Often it feels easier to say, “I won’t decide--whatever happens will happen,” or “I’m too afraid of missing out,” or even “Why won’t the Lord just tell me what to do?”

But the Lord rarely just tells us what to do. Instead He allows us to prayerfully work out our decisions. Sometimes He confirms them (see D&C 9:7–9), and sometimes He lets us make our choices and learn from them (see D&C 122:7). He would never take away our agency, instead counseling us and teaching us how to best use our agency, because He wants us “to act for [our]selves and not to be acted upon” (2 Nephi 2:26). Similarly, we should not allow our agency to be controlled by outside influences such as natural occurrences or a fear of missing out, recognizing that in the end, we will always make some kind of choice, whether or not we make it consciously.

Finally, we can’t expect that making bad choices or not making any choices will yield the consequences we want. It may be that such courses of action or inaction will make us feel less pressure in the moment, but the results--whether good or bad--will come. So when choices arise, we should actively decide with the end in mind.

Choosing Balance

During the general priesthood session of the April 2009 general conference, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, noted: “I imagine that any priesthood holder listening to my voice today, if asked to prepare a talk on the subject ‘what matters most,’ could and would do an excellent job. Our weakness is in failing to align our actions with our conscience.” It can be difficult to ignore what may seem paramount in the moment, even though it will be insignificant in the long run.

For example, college students may know they are at school for the sake of gaining an education, but aligning their actions with this knowledge becomes increasingly difficult if concern about missing out on a party outweighs their commitment to getting good grades. Similarly, we may know that “this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God” (Alma 34:32), but it is still hard to choose to make time for scripture reading when we’re compulsively looking at social media before bed or feeling too tired to wake up to our alarm because we stayed out too late.

Thus, we would do well to ask ourselves this question: “Is my fear of missing out preventing me from choosing to have a balanced life?” If we do not ask ourselves where our real priorities lie, then we may find ourselves attending to every triviality and to nothing of eternal importance. Of course, sometimes finding a balanced life may mean putting relationships ahead of homework.

Actively Making Choices

Whether or not a fear of missing out on social events is governing our choices, we all have to confront the consequences of the choices we make (see 2 Nephi 2:27–30). This can feel stressful, especially when what we want isn’t always where we should be devoting our time. But we must remember that our agency is a gift that we should never relinquish and that choosing what matters most will be the most rewarding in the long run.

Actively making wise choices will require us to act according to determined priorities. As Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught, “We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.” As we do this, we will begin to view our agency as a blessing and not a source of anxiety.

No matter what we choose, it is inevitable that we will miss out on something. We just need to be sure that what we fear missing out on is what matters most eternally.

The Doctrine of Agency “Think of it: in our premortal state we chose to follow the Savior Jesus Christ! And because we did, we were allowed to come to earth. I testify that by making the same choice to follow the Savior now, while we are here on earth, we will obtain an even greater blessing in the eternities. But let it be known: we must continue to choose to follow the Savior. Eternity is at stake, and our wise use of agency and our actions are essential that we might have eternal life. …

“… Whenever we choose to come unto Christ, take His name upon us, and follow His servants, we progress along the path to eternal life.

“In our mortal journey, it is helpful to remember that the opposite is also true: when we don’t keep the commandments or follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost, our opportunities are reduced; our abilities to act and progress are diminished.”

Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Agency: Essential to the Plan of Life,” Ensign, Nov. 2010, 25.

What Matters Most

“Pause for a moment and check where your own heart and thoughts are. Are you focused on the things that matter most? How you spend your quiet time may provide a valuable clue. Where do your thoughts go when the pressure of deadlines is gone? Are your thoughts and heart focused on those short-lived fleeting things that matter only in the moment or on things that matter most? …

"Our Heavenly Father seeks those who refuse to allow the trivial to hinder them in their pursuit of the eternal. He seeks those who will not allow the attraction of ease or the traps of the adversary to distract them from the work He has given them to perform. He seeks those whose actions conform to their words.”

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, “We Are Doing a Great Work and Cannot Come Down,” Ensign, May 2009, 60, 62.

Freddie started school

Frederick, my first born child, my baby, my son, my reason, growing up so fast, started preschool this week. It was such a big moment for our family. He's 4.5+. He turns 5 this month in two weeks. I'm so glad I had him home with me for as long as I did and that we have shared and experienced so much together. He's has been healthily attached to me and I to him. And this is just another step in letting go. I love him so much. We all rallied around him, preparing, and Collin ans I buying supplies, worrying and planning, all so he won't have to. All so he can feel secure and confident and just go and be a child at school. 

Though I have had tears through the preparation, when the time came to walk him to his new classroom, the Meadowlarks, and leave him with his loving teacher, Ms Atara, (with extra shoes, extra outfits, a vegetable he chose (broccoli) for the class soup, some acorns Freddie and I gathered to share with the class, and rain gear just in case), I had no tears. I knew he was ready. (Though I get emotional about it now!😊)

He had been excited all morning and ran into the front door of the school, me trailing behind. He had slept 12 hours the night before and had an awesome breakfast and lunch. He was happy and ready. He sat right down at a table and started rolling out some playdough. I knelt down and said goodbye and he kissed me right on the lips and said, "bye mom." With a thankful swollen heart, I was able to walk away and back to the car where my mom was waiting with Harriet and Ella. Hattie did not have an easy time. She was quite emotional Tuesday and again today. She didn't want Fred to go or wanted to go with him. She wants to go to preschool. I am going to try my hardest to make this a special time for Ella and her and I. We are going shoe shopping today! 

And she has been telling us all about her preschool at her home and that we can all visit it tonight. 

Today when we were walking from the park to his school, Hattie was getting very sad and Fred put his arm around her and said, "I'm so sorry Hattie. I have to go. I'll miss you." 

When I picked Freddie up after his first day, I have never seen him so happy, balanced, well. I'm so happy too. 

So far in this new home it has been a simple life. Things are still chaos inside with boxes everywhere and not knowing where the broom is or finding time to do dishes. When Collin gets back we will work together and find a rhythm. But life feels quiet out here in the trees and mountains. It feels calm and like there is plenty of time to do and be and rest. 

Heavenly Father knows me and loves me.