March 2, 2015

it's march now

I haven't posted in a while; you see, there's all this stuff like social media and having two kids that tricks me into thinking I don't have time. But I need to write now, when I feel feelings. It's late and they are all sleeping and others are speaking downstairs. One light is on and it's not too bright in here. It was getting so hot but the sun calmed a little and gave us a little more time. It's been raining and today was actually freezing. So cold. Sometimes I just have to get us all dressed and fed and get us all packed up and out out out of the house. Today we got rain coats on and went to the store to get a picnic lunch to eat at the park. The kids fought over getting a green or pink car in the front of the shopping cart. They both lost; we just got a regular shopping cart. The park was too wet and cold, and though we were all sad, I made us leave after 30 minutes. I did sit on a slide, the only dry spot, and let fred play in some puddles and hattie went up the stairs and down the slide a bunch of times. Pretty good, but sometimes I reflect back on the day and wish I'd've lived in certain moments a little more. Other things happened, but not naps, and that's hard, Weaning is hard and not hard and hard while not hard, if you know what I mean. It's complicated at times and I feel sort of alone in it all. If I read things, I might get a little comfort, but at this point, I feel best about my instincts. They've gotten me this far.

Back to Hattie. She's a little lady. She's so adventuresome and daring. She laughs at everything and can be naughty as ever, if she wants to be.
Frederick is going through so many emotions and is growing so much. It's challenging for all of us but we will get through it.
Collin is busy and I feel so far from him most of the time. Marriage and family life are wonderful if nothing is around to clog and complicate them. But life is very complicated. Time is a horrible, stress-inducing, limiting thing, but it's what we have, for now.

I'm going to bed. I put Hattie to bed with our routine (diaper, pjs, song, 2-3 books always ending with Caillou, whom she says "hi" to and loves with all her tiny girl heart, and then prayer) and nursed her to sleep. She was stuffed up and tried to nurse, but just fell asleep right away. She was so sleepy! And then Freddie came in from being with Collin and I talked to him, held him close, stood and held and sang to him, then put him in his little bed and bundled him up, and held his hand till he fell asleep within minutes. It breaks my heart that I can't give each of them my entire everything that I am. I have to split myself, my attention, my love. I feel guilty for not giving them more, being better, being frustrated. I love them so much.

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