The guilt I feel about that; it cuts me deep. 

Never lets me forget. 

Regretful and embarrassed and sorry. 

They won't tell. They forgive. They tearfully remind. 

They let it go away. 

I hope. It is my hope. Hope I hold. 

That they will not be hurt forever because of my thoughtlessness. 

If i'd've only thought. 

I scroll through and stare and feel it deeply. I close my eyes and the pain is inside. I'll do it differently next time. 

Just look at their perfect innocence. How could I ever be frustrated? How could I ever lose?

Because of schedules. Not wanting to be late. Long seeded within me. 

I am not worthy of them. 

To my dad

You taught me to laugh. You taught me humor and silliness. You taught me to be fun and jump out and scare people. You taught me to venture outside of myself and not be shy. You taught me to be a little wild at times and to embrace new things and people. You showed me generosity and love and acceptance.  Showed me how to bring people to my home and sit with them, talk to them, ask them about themselves and make them feel special. 

You taught me to drive. Took me out to pecos road when it was mostly dust, and you told me to stay in the lines and not to have a leadfoot. You told me to reverse as little as possible in a parking lot and the never rely on my mirrors. 

You taught me to ride roller coasters and eat good food and love camping and nature. I have a deep deep love of nature and the quiet peace in the trees and the wind and blue skies and soft grass. You taught me to love my family--protect them and teach them things. You taught me about traditions and making things special and how fast it all goes. 

You shared your stories; you still have so many more to share. You told me how you know that God exists and that you know about Joseph Smith and about family and that the temple is the only goal. 

You taught me to do instead of ask; to stick up for myself and to share my opinion and to be strong and be who I am. 

Love you, Dad. 

The only one for me is you and you for me

5 weeks ago you came to me, Ella. 5 weeks ago I had no idea what was about to happen or the special little girl I was about to meet. We still have so much to learn about each other, but we get to know each other more every day and I love you. This morning we were in such good moods in the quiet sunlight, everyone else still sleeping around us. (Yes, it's a family bed, folks!) I held you up so we could look into each other's eyes and we sang, well I sang, that Turtles song, so happy together and I kissed your sweet little face over and over and cooed and sang and asked you all sorts of silly things in a very silly high pitched voice, and you smiled! You were quiet, wish wise eyes and you smiled at me over and over with each kiss and question and nuzzle. You have this power over me. We have a very strong bond already. (It makes these long nights with very little sleep, worth it!! You know, when you fuss and cry and We are big exhausted and I feel I've tried everything and just plain ol' nursing doesn't solve every problem and I have no clue what to do...) I love you. You challenge me in a whole new way. You bless my life in a whole new way. Having 3 kids is interesting. You literally can't do it all. I thought i had to multitask with 2!! This is a whole new game!!! 

And Freddie and Hattie have to be more independent because I truly can't help them all. Frederick has been an incredible help to me.  And Hattie and I are growing together though we try each other EVERY MOMENT it seems. As we get through each obstacle we learn so much from each other. 

Last night we tried to go camping and packed everything and were so excited! Our first over night in Utah! Well, I didn't realize that in Utah, you'd better reserve your spots. We went to about 8 campgrounds and all were totally full. Bummer. Big big bummer. So we decided to make the most of it before heading home to sleep :(. We went to a resevoir with a sandy beach nearby and played for an hour or so. The kids got really into digging in the sand and running through the shallow waves. I nursed Ella for a while as they giggled and played. We sat on blankets and ate the snacks we had brought. Then Collin took Ella and Hattie and I went swimming. She wouldn't wear her life vest so we couldn't go very deep but we held each other and she was saying the most hilarious things about the boobies (booeys) way out there and "having so much fun, guys!" We do this, "I'll keep you save," thing with only each other. She started holding me tight and saying that a while ago at sweet moments. Hehe. Then she went back and Freddie and I went and tried to swim out to a booey. The sun had gone behind the mountains by now and it was getting cold and we were tired!! We went about 3/4 of the way out and then came back in. It was really fun laughing and talking with him, but also terrifying as I was having flashbacks of the movies Everest and Open Water, hahahahahahha. 

5 weeks together in this new life of ours and in the lovely morning light, things are going pretty good. 

That's that.

My love expanded to make plenty of room for my darling, Ella, and then it deepened my love for Frederick and Harriet. And every emotion intensified for Collin. These days are spent mostly at our home, in bed or on the couch while the kids play and I nurse, with a chaotic world of mess growing around me and my tolerance for it growing and mastering my ability to block out the stress, remembering these messes won't be for forever and how quickly this is all going by. The days are also spent outdoors in our beautiful yard, across the street on the Capitol lawn, and around our block on many short and a few long barefoot walks. We have ventured out to the library once and the park a couple of times but that has proven mostly too much for me just yet. I prefer to go out with Collin. I have learn a lot from failures, however; and I have gotten better at planning for every situation. At home we leave our front door open while we are in the front room, welcoming any passer by to come and say hello, and they do, often. The weather is warm and beautiful. There were a couple of very hot days where no a/c was a bit horrid, but fans made it bearable and cooler weather came again. I adore the green and fullness all around me. The roses have come and are now going. My little family has bloomed and is now settling into life as we now know it. There is so much that the future promises. It's hard to know and let go while also being so hopeful and excited for change. I love our neighborhood and neighbors. 

 

First bath since birth! 3 weeks old. 

Everyone joined us. No privacy, right Ella?!

He loves her. He always wants to hold her and rock her. He calls her "Big eyes." 

First venture out on my own was to the library. Super fun and super hard. Listening charts were started in our house. When they fill up a line of listening, they get to go somewhere or do something fun. 

Mostly it's just us at home these days. Or outside on the yard. We need and want a fenced in backyard. 

But we love where we live. So so so much. 

Many many have brought food and gifts. So so sweet. Will never be forgotten. 

Went down to Provo to see the play, Charlotte's Web. 

They loved it. Freddie was totally glued. Hattie laughed and enjoyed and got bored and sang let it go. Ella nursed and then fell asleep. The kids got to meet the actors afterwards. So fun. They answered ever question F and H had, like, "Why did you die, Charlotte?" And "Templeton, why are you a rat?"

Freddie told Wilbur his favorite part was that he was a pig. 

Loved spending time with Katie, Miriam, Cam and their kids. Freddie and Hattie LOVED playing with Ruby and Ivory. So sweet. Said they would be friends forever and ever and would never forget each other. Looks like we really need to make a trip to Oregon to visit them. 

She is so cute in her car seat. Growing into it a little bit. 

Met Elsa yesterday. Hattie ALMOST FAINTED. 

HAT had just given her a big hug too. 

Love this temple. Loved hanging out with David too. 

Fun ice cream place. 

We had a date last night and went and did all our grocery shopping. Ella was an angel of course. 

Beautiful girl. First and last time she will wear this cute dress. Getting big. So sad to see her outgrow clothes even though I know it's good that she's growing--and she is! Today was her 1 month dr appointment and she has gained 2 pounds since birth (plus the half a pound she lost right after birth!)

Bubbles and a walk w my first born 

So pretty. Walks are my favorite thing ever. But I have to cut it out by order of the midwife. There will be plenty of time for that but my body is showing signs of overworking and over doing. I shouldn't be taking the kids to the park or library. I need to take care so that I can heal completely and be everything I need to be. I know it's so true. I feel it. I'm going to work really hard at staying in bed for the next two weeks. More time for cuddling, reading, sleeping, nursing, singing, story-telling. 

And then we will go back to liberty park-our favorite place everrrrrr!!!

So cozy in the blanket sweet Morgan made her. 

This girl loves to make things with her hands. We will do more of this. 

Flying kites in the rain for FHE. Thanks Ian and Ashley fam for the awesome kites!!!!

So happy. I love our neighborhood. 

This morning she was playing with all the tomatoes and potatoes and chargers. I overheard her, "babies, you'll be fine; you'll be fine. We are just going on a date. We'll be back."