June 27, 2012

up down up down up down

had a great day and then a rough evening. It was my first nervous break down as a mom, ever. perhaps a combo of lots of things. I can't fully describe the horrible feelings I had: suffocation, frustration, anger, sadness, failure, disappointment, denial, and guilt for feeling all those. I won't go into details but I couldn't take it. Frederick cried, I cried HARD, Dot got scared, and Monte woke up. Then I called Collin bawling. He talked me down (from the ledge?? ha!) and came home and everything got mostly better. then there was something dumb I did and argg didn't think. damaged without realizing. ugg. but we had a nice fresh dinner of fish with zucchini, tomatoes, herbs, lemon and orzo that I made and it turned out pretty delish.
so but I guess the whole freak out thing is normal, and everybody goes through that now and again right? But no one talks about it, so I just feel totally crazy. Every time I look at Frederick, I feel like the most horrible person for being mad at him. and Hormones are real, my friend. Have a baby, and you'll find out. You'll find out and you'll never be the same.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you had one of those days, Nikki. But so good that you posted about it. It's good that you realize that being abnormal is normal some days when you're pregnant or a mom. Your honesty is helping other women. It's a good reminder. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you. I wish I could have been there for you yesterday.
    LOVE YA!

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  2. Hang in there, girl! Some days are just downright Hell, and it's true, people don't openly discuss it too much (probably the cultural desire to be "perfect"). You just have to do the best you can (which I know you are) and know that it's enough. Kids are resilient and God gave Freddie to you because he knew you would be the perfect person to raise him. I remember feeling pretty isolated when Landon was around 8 or 9 months. I had finally gotten the hang of things with "motherhood" and was ready for some "me" stuff. I'm a big believer that when you have those days where you are ready to throw your hands in the air and scream "why me!?!??!" its worth whatever you have to pay to get a sitter for a few hours or drop him at the parents house and just go read a book, shop, or just sit and enjoy the solitude. I read this article that my friend linked to the other day that really helped me when I was having a "I can't believe I gave birth to this 2 year old hellion" moment. http://thesycamore.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/six-reasons-to-never-give-up-on-motherhood/ It happens to the best of us. ;)

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