I birthed my son in the quiet calm of a birth center. Everything went well, we learned to breastfeed, and I made it through the typical challenges.
A couple of years later, I had my daughter. I had a healthy pregnancy up until 39 weeks and then had high blood pressure. It never came down and I went all the way to 42 weeks. I was transferred from the birth center to a hospital, was so scared and stressed, but gratefully before I was to be pumped full of scary meds and induced, my daughter came, on her own, without any medication! Then My blood pressure was taken care of. I know to was the right thing for me to go to the hospital and I still had another magical miracle birth and healthy baby.
We nursed easily. I felt blessed.
And then we got home. I did not have confidence that I could be a mother of two. I started feeling very guilty that my daughter had the stressful birth she did. It was incredibly hard to take care of a newborn and toddler at once. I felt alone and defeated. I didn't feel like I belonged in the birth center community anymore and because I was transferred to the hospital last minute I had no ties there and I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I didn't realize until later how vital the support I got from the birth center after my first birth, was. I didn't go to any of the moms groups, breastfeeding cafe, etc because I felt I didn't belong. Sometimes I felt grateful and sometimes I felt like a failure. I will never forget the first time I was left alone w both kids. I felt completely incapable. I had a nervous breakdown.
Eventually things got easier and turned around. (Gradually, over about 6 months.)
One night in Phoenix there was a huge storm and my husband and I lay awake for hours, watching in the dark and talking about everything with the birth. We rehashed everything, what we would do differently and the same and our feelings and reality. It helped a lot to get it all off my chest and feel validated and feel like I wasn't in it alone.
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