April 14, 2014

Right now

Tonight my two children and I lay in their room, on the bed. Right now we have a queen sized mattress on the floor and we put Freddie to bed and lay with him till he falls asleep and Hattie sleeps in there too until we go to bed and we bring her in with us.
So tonight I'm the middle of a Freddie and Hattie sandwich; they've snuggled me in tightly (which hardly ever happens with Fred anymore) and I'm in total bliss because he said, "you can scratch my head" !!!!!!! Seriously, he nurses still but will NOT let me baby him in any other way. Will not hold my hand or let me do anything for him. It's "all by myself" always, which is wonderful but I'm just so excited that he is letting me snuggle him a little tonight. So then I'm thinking about how hard it was to be pregnant and have a toddler and then to have a newborn and toddler but how much easier it's gotten in (almost) 4 months and how even though before I said I was done now I think as long as I can mentally prepare myself for those hard months and that they don't last...I think I could have more kid(s)...(surprise, Collin!) 
I lay here thinking and thinking and the thought comes that I'll remember this moment, laying with them in the quiet house in the dark peace, forever. But I realize that I probably won't. I hardly remember Fred's early days at all. My stomach drops because I know I won't remember this and the tears come and come and come because that really makes me so sad. So I'll sit here for a while and just look at these two, asleep, side by side, so little, so innocent, all mine for now. I'll pray and pray with gratitude that I somehow have them. I'll pray for patience everyday that matches my love for them and how I'm feeling right now.

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