April 13, 2016

36/ish

I had this scary stress.
I had this long thing that took up time and emotion and energy and fear. 
And I turned and kneeled and pled and cried and had a real conversation and was striped down to just my heart. 
Then I was reminded that justice is just and though there's love there's still sorrow and heartache. 
I was also reminded of another with another purpose. Someone who knows the sinking of fear and doubt even more than I. And knows my heart too. And can grant peace and stillness. 
I accepted him even with the sorrow that might come. 

We walked together downtown in my small group, the people who make me me, the people I live for. 
And we walked, sang, raced, spoke, comforted, taught, learned, touched, changed and felt. I fell calm. I felt still. I felt nothing of fear or doubt. 
I corrected myself and I felt brave. 
Then the next day I was simple and I was straight. I was honest. 
And then the miracle came and I was relieved. 

And now I just feel happy. I just realized I again can enjoy this body, this state, this short time, this transformation and time for preparation. 

I had forgotten because I was so busy fearing and worrying but also learning and I needed that learning. I'm so glad I have time left to just be happy. To get a smile on my face. To get lost in wondering who you'll be. 

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