My baby forever

I went through a major mourning time when I was deciding that I was done having children. I went over it all in my head again and again. I played advocate for each side, arguing with myself. I discussed it with collin at length. It was an easy decision for him. He’s always wanted four. I’ve never known how many kids I wanted. I was playing it by ear each time. And recently I had the number 5 in my head. I didn’t want to be done forever with having babies. Being pregnant. Feeling all those kicks inside my belly. Sacrificing for this special life I was growing. I would never give birth again. I would never nurse for the first time again. And someday, I would never nurse again.
I had an experience finally that hushed my fears and anxiety over the whole thing and gave me peace and allowed me to confidently decide that we would be moving on to a new phase after this baby was grown. I decided to recognize what I had and to give myself permission to be sad about whatever I wanted to be sad about in the future. But I wasn’t going to regret.
Covid distancing began in March 2020, and it became even more clear that I wasn’t going to have another child. Then, months later, I was talking to some good friends who are our age and are thinking they will have another. Suddenly all the feelings and thrills of having a new baby came back to me. I was jealous too.  It looking at Annette, playing with the kids today...warm feelings of confidence and finality come to me, reminding me that for reasons that are important to me, Collin and I are done having kids. We will focus on these. They are wonderful incredible humans, and I’m excited for our lives together.

Something's the matter with Freddie....

Kitty puppy (written 4/10/13)

We found out we are having another baby! he or she will be referred to as kittypuppy. In this second pregnancy, it's different because though I know I'm pregnant and think of that fact often, my number one thought is Frederick. I keep thinking if how all this will effect him. But Collin and I are so happy. We are thrilled.
Saturday I was a few days overdue longer than my longest cycle, so in between general conference sessions, I went into the bathroom alone and prayed and peed on a test. I told Heavenly Father that i know this is in his hands and i will respect whatever the outcome. Two lines. I cried and thanked him. Then waited three minutes just to be sure. Then I went out and showed Collin, who stared at it, laughed, hugged me and cried. Then we scooped up frederick, our darling 1 year old, and hugged and kissed him and told him he is having a brother or sister.
We have so far told just a few friends. We are excited to be able to tell Collins parents and Ian and Ashley in person!
I have been extremely tired, am starting to feel nauseated, and have been experiencing small cramps. I have an appointment tomorrow with Blossom, which I'm excited about. They have a new midwife, Diane. Which will be interesting. I wish I could just see Nichelle only and have her for sure, but what can I do about that? Nothing.
I've been determined to keep exercising at la fitness, sometimes forcing myself out the door in the morning. Today I was so tired. And the music sounded weird. And things taste weird and smell so strongly. I want to get out but I don't have the energy to chase Freddie.
Morgan had her baby last night at 11:05pm. He looks like a perfect angel. She did amazingly.

Collin wants to take Hypnobirthing again.
I also want to take the belly dancing during labor class at blossom. And I want to focus on a water birth. I want to eat healthy. Ill eat my 100 grams of protein every day and drink tons of water so I don't swell and avoid Bell's Palsey.

Alright; nap time.

James Oliver just minutes old. 

To Frederick

La la loo, la la loo
Oh my little star sweeper
Ill sweep the stardust for you
La la loo, la la loo
Little soft fluffy dreamer
Here comes a pink cloud for you
La la loo, la la loo
Little wondering angel
Fold up your wings close your eyes
La la loo, la la loo
And may love be your keeper
La la loo
La la loo
La la loo.

my guitar hero prodigy

Puking all night

The only thing worse than waking up and puking is your son puking every day for 4 days and then your husband joining him and puking every 2 hours all night. Poor poor Collin. :( To the doctors tomorrow we go. Fred picked a great night to sleep through the night: when we are up sick!!!

Downton Abby...I don't even know what to say.

Taught YW today and had a great time discussing the purpose of life. True to the faith: Mortal Life:
"You are now experiencing mortal life. Your spirit is united with your body, giving you opportunities to grow and develop in ways that were not possible in your premortal life. This part of your existence is a time of learning in which you can prove yourself, choose to come unto Christ, and prepare to be worthy of eternal life. It is also a time when you can help others find the truth and gain a testimony of the plan of salvation."

Frederick, these are our songs (so far)

Edelweiss (from Sound of Music)

Spiraling (Antony and the Johnsons)

My Boy (My Girl) (the Temptations)

I Lived in Heaven (Children's Hymnbook)

La La Loo (Lady and the Tramp)

Mongolia

Here is a beautiful and interesting article about a mother's experience breastfeeding in Mongolia.

Breastfeeding in the land of Genghis Khan

It helped remind me that what my instincts are telling me is a normal thing. I loved the part on westerners' views of independence.

I don't understand why breastfeeding is such an uncomfortable thing for people. (Myself included! Before I had Freddie I had a friend say she was going to nurse her daughter till at least two and I was, I'm saddened to say, weirded out!!! I only hope and pray that I didn't discourage her or make her feel alienated in any way.) I was recently told that breastfeeding in public is not modest and that I should be aware of the religious consequences it would bring. But if God created me and created my breasts to fill with milk to sustain my baby's life, and if being a mother is my divine roll and the most important thing I will ever do, all things I believe with my whole heart, then what's the problem if I nurse my child in public, while living my life, making it easier on me, my child, family, friends? It raises my mental health by keeping me surrounded by people, allowing me to be out and about, helping me feel less lonely and strange, something most mothers experience after having a child. What's the problem if you see a little boob while a sweet mother, doing her best, tries to latch her baby or keep the interest of her hungry, yet distracted toddler? It's just a boob!!!!!!! Really!!!!!! I don't understand why it's considered not keeping private. Im feeding a human being!!!!! It is normal!!!! When breasts are used in pornography, or even just regular tv these days, to promote sex, then yes, that is inappropriate! that is degrading! It has the potential to break up families. And in some instances, that is considered okay, hot, praised. Geeez, what a backwards world we live it. Happily, I think our world is becoming more open and people becoming more educated and understanding that their way is not the only way (once again, including me! I do not think my way of parenting is the only way....it's the best way I know how for me and my son and my family; and it's my life, to try, learn, and grow. And I respect others to do as they feel is the best way.)
I think many people are much more open to possibilities and differences these days. Honestly, in public I've gotten nothing but Love from other moms/dads offering help or encouragement, sharing a story of their breastfeeding days. Its only on Facebook, behind the computer screen that people feel the need, (nay, the duty!) to put me in my place. Ha, oh well; that is their prerogative! I'm just an advocate for the breast, and the right to feed in public and not feel embarrassed or ashamed or alone, and also for the invigoration of doing what you need to do, what you were made to do, without a thought, anywhere you are, while satisfying a fundamental need and sustaining life.

Little clothes

Pulled out a large bin of tiny clothes from the past 16 months. Checking the size, folding, smelling, smiling, remembering a tiny squishy babe. How could he have ever fit in these? And I find myself wishing I could do it over, just to experience it again and not take anything for granted.

I want another baby now. I'm ready when God is ready. But I will never again have only one tiny newborn, who I can give all of myself to. I start missing Baby Frederick so badly, but wait! He's in the other room, sleeping! And he needs me more than ever--right now!!

***Disclaimer****

Frederick is not potty-trained, and is not being potty-train. The above scene was a funny time when Fred peed on the floor and Collin sat him on the toilet. It was so funny that I took a picture.

babes and thanks and 1 year check up!

currently praying for 5 pregnancies!!! Five!! I'm officially baby-hungry! (well I have been for a few weeks...it's this weird thing that just SWITCHED ON! I've never ever felt it before....but regardless, we are ready for number two..to continue growing our eternal family....whenever he or she (and God) is ready for us to have him or her. But MAN, I'm happy for and excited for those five. Love love love love love me some babes. Little tiny babes with their delicious newborn smell heads and snuggley buggley cuddles.)
I already have a darling little man whom I'm so thankful for every day. He's just amazing. Today we we went to the doctor for his one year check-up (1.5 months later due to being out of town plus switching jobs and insurance) but yeah! He's great!!! He's 30 inches tall + 21.2 Lbs wooo Fred! + everything's working and growing and learning and developing wonderfully. He got two shots today: chicken pox and the TB skin test. He didn't even cry this time; just one little wince. I'm grateful for modern medicine and that my baby can stay safe from disease. :)


Okay crockpot corn chowder time!

Applebees Nurse-in 2012

Look at me....quite the little activist, huh.
I don't mean to be. I don't want to alienate anyone from me.
I'm passionate about certain things, and enjoy connecting with others also passionate about them. But I don't think my way is the only way or even the best way. It's just the best way for Fred and Collin and me.

So here we are at the Applebees Nurse-in on Saturday September 29th. (It was NOT a protest against Applebees of any kind, but a peaceful rally, to unite nursing mothers and bring awareness that nursing in public is okay!!!)

Basically, earlier in September, a woman at an Applebees in Georgia was nursing her child, and was asked by the manager to go to the bathroom to do so, or to leave. There is a law in GA, (the same as there is in AZ), that women are allowed to breastfeed in any place where they are lawfully able to be. She patiently told this manager her rights and then the manager called the cops and humiliated her and her family. Of course, the cops sided with the nursing mother, but it was a very unfortunate situation that could have been avoided.

I don't mind boobs. I truly believe that they are made to nurse. I know my husband loves them too, for other reasons, but he also respects that they have a very important function: sustaining the life of our child. Unfortunately our world has sexualized breasts to the point of extreme discomfort for a lot of people when it comes to nursing.

Think about it....when a woman is wearing something low cut, or tight, or revealing or sheer, it's considered HOT. But a woman is feeding her child, a truly beautiful gift from God, and heaven forbid a little skin shows, and people freak out with disgust. When a mom is just doing her best to take care of her baby. Well I support mothers and families! Women are expected to go behind closed doors and alienate themselves (when they are at a potentially lonely and challenging time in their lives...hormones and hanging with a babe all day make a gal starved for adult interaction! I swear!) or to put a blanket over their baby's head. Some people can do that just fine and I think that's great and fully support it, but I tried. I promise. Fred HATED it. We were both trying to figure out nursing in the first few months and I was timid and self-conscious as it were. I wanted to be with everyone when we had dinner company or hung out with friends (you know how social Collin and I are!) and I'd finally get Fred latched on, and then cover him up with a blanket and he'd get so upset, unlatch, milk would be SPRAYING everywhere, mortifying me and everyone else, and I'd end up flashing everyone anyway. So I finally said, Enough! I'm just going to nurse! If people don't like it they don't have to look or like me. And I'm pretty discrete anyway....(I think so...haha I could be totally wrong though!!)

I get not wanting to see other people's breasts when it is in a sexual context...most movies and TV, but when nursing? It's feeding a child...It's good for him and for me. It makes me happy and him happy. The World Health Organization recommends nursing to 2 years (which is my goal, by the way; I recently decided that I plan to wean at 2 years because that's what I feel good about. Collin feels good about it. Fred?? Well I think he'd nurse till forever if he could! I respect everyone's decisions on length of nursing with what works for them and their families! Love love love la-la-love, la-la-love makes the world go round!

Anyway...I could go on all day. I love mothers. I love them whether they nurse or formula feed. I love them because I know that I'm just trying to do my best, and they are too and I respect that so much.
Here are some photos from our fun day of Nursing-in. The managers at the Applebees we went to were super nice. All the people walking in and out of the restaurant were kind and respectful, too. We sat outside the place for a few hours and then afterward all went in and got food.

 (and she really is so supportive. I'm blessed with insanely supportive family (immediate and in-laws alike). I'm so so blessed.)

 Emily with Charlie, my mom with Fred. (Charlie and Fred like each other)

 super fun rally friends!

 I love my husband!

(some other signs we had were "if nursing in public bothers you, you can go eat in the bathroom " or "...then you can put a blanket over your head." hehe.)

My babe is not really a babe anymore

 

 

Us with Danielle, the birthing assistant at Fred's birth! She's training to be a midwife at Midwives Rising. We were there to watch the film, Freedom for Birth. It was very very good. It was a huge shock to me that so many aren't able to give birth the way they want to, the way they feel safe--even in this country! In Europe! I feel so incredibly blessed to have had the experience I did, the way I did. Birth was not uncomfortable or horrible, or terrifying. It was peaceful, beautiful, purposeful, empowering. I did it. I did it. I had the support of my doctor, midwife, birth assistant, my mom, and most importantly my husband (along with many many other family and friends). I had God with me too, and I did it. It's so amazing to feel this way! I want every birthing woman to experience the satisfaction I did, by giving birth in the way that she feels safest, whether it be in the hospital, in a birthing center or at home.

 

 

 

 

Best thing ever....

We've been making delicious stuff from Adventures in Cooking, Cooking Light Magazine, and Mrs Harding Cooks and we've been getting ready for our favorite month (besides March), OCTOBER!!! Halloween! YESSSS. 

 

my favorite things

about breastfeeding freddie:

-he crosses his ankles like he's so relaxed.
-his little blue eyes staring up at me
-when he gets a little bubble in his tummy this super cute worried expression comes over his face and he'll even make super worried noises, but still stay latched on. internal struggle??

-cute gulping noises

-the satisfaction of getting him to burp
-milk drunk when he's full. he truly acts intoxicated, hehe
-while he sleeps he's dreaming about it and makes little suckling noises, aw.

in talking news:

-when ever he cries or is sad/mad/worried/uncomfortable he says "na" "nay" or "nah"
-"a hoo" or "a woo" is a happy or satisfied word
-he added a new word "ma" the other day. I know it doesn't mean mama but its another positive one and its so darling to me.

Freddie is awake more these days so we get to talk a lot. I say "a woo" and "a hoo" and his face lights up with smiles like crazy. :) :) He also gets really happy and smiley and looks at the pages when I read books to him. Our/my favorite right now is On the day you were born. It talks about all the miracles that happen on the earth daily and how they are for each one of us. It references babe in the dark womb, tiny knees curled to chin, getting ready to come out.

My favorite part:
"With a push you slipped out of the dark quiet, where suddenly you could hear a circle of people singing with voices familiar and clear. 'Welcome to the spinning world,' the people sang as they washed your new tiny hands. 'Welcome to the green earth,' the people sang, as they wrapped your wet, slippery body. And as they held you close, they whispered into your open, curving ear, 'We are so glad you’ve come!'"
It reminds me of that night so much I can feel it!! Makes me so happy. It was so beautiful and peaceful.

He does NOT like it when he pees through his diaper. He LOVES it when i hold him and walk around...puts him to sleep in minutes. He's a very good cuddler. I love his arms and legs so much. 

He's gets to meet his uncle David in 5 hours.