While packing I go through my keepsakes

My heart is so completely full tonight as I have been reading through cards from friends in the few years before meeting Collin to cards of congratulations for our wedding. Did that world of handmade cards and penpals and sharing our hearts really exist? It seems like a dream and light years away. 

But here, in my hands, the living proof. We had time to write birthday cards and send thank yous for no reason other than we loved each other. My heart is full to spilling over reading the words of friends and family members who are so so so far away. Who I wish I could embrace right now. Each of them. A different life that was. Lifetimes away. Flagstaff and Africa and Florida and DC and Provo and grandparents and birthday after birthday card. My mom has written me faithfully my whole life and now my kids get cards from her. And I married a man who's mother and father still send cards too. My heart is full, reading their words. Handmade cards, those silly cute ones with card board foam pictures on the front. A dog in a party dress. Anniversary notes. So many Halloween and Valentine's Day cards. I feel so..... loved. I feel I matter to people. I'm reminded of my love, my deep deep love for Collin and for my friends and family. So many kind and thoughtful people. So many different people who I have known and loved. So many different stories. My mind is blown; my heart is packed tightly. I feel an emense amount of gratitude. And longing to get back in touch. Write real letters instead of just comments on social media. I want them to know they really really matter to me. 

Ella so totally blessed

Beautiful happy special day!!! The blessing day!! We had beloved friends and family with us for the blessing and at the after party. Delicious spread of food and drinks. Collin. I love planning parties with you. Thanks for being the best dad to my kids ever. I love you and I'm so grateful you hold the priesthood and that we all have the power of the priesthood. It blesses our family so much. 

Ella was a little angel. Cried a tiny bit during the blessing and then fell asleep and there she stayed, in Aunt Mia's arms for the next hour. 

Left to right: Jayden Derek Kaelir Kedson, Kamree Cone, Jayna Matt Shaylin Emmalin Bronson Coleton Hedges, Mia and David Money, Ete (Sarah was in the car) and Jonah Ahping, Kelly Hazard, us (kids were in primary already), Morgan Tom Oliver Paisley Skeen!!! 

Tradition for my babe to be an angel and then cry in the photos.

I have the best friends in the world. ☝🏻️👇🏻

 Cute girls. Love them so much. 

Gah! Love them!!!! They leave for North Carolina and Wake Forest Medical School in less than 2 weeks!!!!!

💗💗💗

Fooooood. Best ever. 

Ella and her buddy, Donny, just 3 weeks apart!

My family!!!!!

Family nap turned wrestling contest in the grass. 

Wes Killian, 2nd bday!!

My lovely friend, Lucia's sweetheart, Wes, turned 2! They had the CUTEST Bear Birthday Bash for him. Super cute decor, DELISH food, really fun cool people and kids. The kids seriously ran all over their apartment laughing, chasing, having fun. I have lost all the pictures of the day, except for this one. But at least it's a really really good one! Happy Bday Wes!!!

BABE Bachelorette Party

At the beginning of April, good friends, Lyndsey and Lana, put together a little girls night out for another pregnant mama, Heidi, and me! It was so much fun to go out with some my close friends and celebrate just a couple more months of freedom before complete and WONDERFUL dependency from a little tiny human.

BELOW:

Jayden Cone, Lyndsey Findlay, Lana Dahle, Me, Heidi Kim, Amelia Money, Lucia Killian

We at dinner at Cheesecake Factory (SO GOOD!!!! I hadn't had that in soo long!) And then a few of us went over to the Tavernacle Dueling Piano Bar. The guys played ALL our requests (mostly Billy Joel, Elton John, Beatles, and Taylor Swift, hehe. Oh yeah and they totally played Always be my baby for me too!!!!) It was so much fun. The piano players were CRACKING UP that I was so pregnant and in a piano bar to celebrate. They serenaded me several times. So funny and great.

I have missed friends in DC and Phx so much lately and it's really awesome to have a strong support system and group of friends here in SL too. I really feel like this is home (for the time being. :)

It has been 6 years

It's been 6 years since I woke up next to Collin for the first time. 

There's so much that's happened. We have grown, changed, gotten better and of course, worse, in some ways. It's taken me 6 years to figure a couple things out.

I'm learning to trust more, in a (more)real way. I'm learning to accept the person in the mirror and get on with it. I'm realizing things about life, marriage, children and parenting, existence, death, eternity, time, mortality, and things that don't matter, that MATTER. When I trust, don't stress, enjoy, get on the floor, dance it out, MOVE, live life to the fullest, really pay attention, I am happier. My marriage is happy. I don't feel guilty for wasting even a second with my angels. Any 4 of them (Collin, Frederick, Harriet & Dot.)

Life is such a blessing. It's a time to live, prove, obey, and serve. I'm so happy for the relationships I have. I love the people around me snd people I meet. I love making human connections and holding onto and strengthening those bonds. 

I have changed in 6 years. I'm hardly that long, thin, wild, spontaeous thing with a long mess of tangled hate that I never brushed and thought looked good (seriously?? seriously...) I'm different.  But that's life, I think! We have a long way to go!!! Its really beautiful. 

Happy holidays. I love this time of year so much. And happy 6 years, Smith. 

3 years, gone girl

We are laying here, all sleeping..well I'm awake now. It's so overcast and rainy outside. Very very quiet and calm and peaceful. Frederick will be 3 on Thursday. Hattie, 9 months on Friday. They are growing up before my eyes. I'm growing up too. I still feel young though. I feel like I'm a kid in a 30 year old's body and they are my little buddies. I feel confident about the future. I feel loved by my husband. Sometimes my mind and insecurities play tricks but he loves and needs me. He even likes me, thinks I'm funny, says he needs me. I'm trying to never be critical because I'm so in love with him. He is so smart and funny. This morning he was doing a funny silly bit for the kids and I went outside my body, observing my life and I went weak at the knees looking at him. When he tells me everything is alright, it is alright. I don't feel scared or sad. Our bond has real power.

Frederick will be 3. My role as mother to him has challenged and shaped me. It teaches me and humbles me. These angels are the future.

He mostly get that it is or is going to be or was his bday. 3. I told him we were going to have a party and he gasped. He loves people. He is just so friendly!!! He says, "Hi, what's your name?" And, "my name is Frederick." If someone doesn't hear him or doesn't answer, he comes to me, a little disappointed. I smile and tell him it's ok and it's just good to be friendly and kind to everyone. This boy will change the world. He is special. He is a child of God. He love to sing and dance in the aisles of the grocery store. He loves to tell me, "mommy I gotta show you!" And shows me something he has found that is just gorgeous and special and unique to him.

He loves spending time and adventures with me. He adores his father and protects his sister. He cheers her on in every accomplishment she makes and confidently announces, "yay, I DID it!!" When he has done something he's proud of...even something like catching a ball. His enthusiasm and optimism and forgiveness inspire me every day. He is compassionate. When something goes wrong he says, "aw, that's too bad." Or when I cry he says we should say a prayer (and then spends the whole time without arms folded and usually yelling or singing something!! Haha, we are working on that one!) but I know he knows prayer is important and that it works. He lives and loves 100% and I'm so so deeply grateful to call him mine. Heavenly Father has a plan for him and loves him very much.

He's growing up but he's still little. I still have lots of time.

My FIRST born, at 4-6 months!


cheering Joe Joe on at his football game

The Johnsons

Trisha Johnson is a woman I have known and adored for almost 20 years. She's a mother and wife to a great family in my parents ward in mountain park ranch. My dad has been their home teacher for most of the time we have lived in phx. She has tried to set me up w guys, has supported me and given me advice and made me laugh and loved me. She's just younger than my parents but she's ageless because she's friend to everyone. She is the type that makes you feel amazing and loved and special and hilarious. You just want to be her best friend and you feel like you could open up to her about anything. 

About 10 years ago I was driving down the road when my dad called me and told me to pull over. I did and then he proceded to tell me that Trisha had a malignant brain tumor and was not expected to live through it. It was such a shock and so humbling. I loved and admired her so much. It was really hard to hear. Then came the prayers and fasting--ward, stake, families, friends, faith. So much faith. And miracles. She made it through and though the cancer keeps coming back, she continues to battle and survive! 

Then last week we got a phone call from her husband. Their son, Evan, 16 years old, had been experiencing some leg pain and after being examined, they found out he has an agressive tumor on his leg that is eating away at the bone and muscle. He got a biopsy done to see how dangerous it is but regardless, he will have chemotherapy starting next week. He is months older than Joseph. They are very close friends. I remember them running around together as little kids. Little blondies. And they would spike up his hair so big and it was adorable.  It just kills me. How does this sweet baby have cancer? And even worse---what Trisha and her husband must be going through, knowing what he's about to go through. They have tremendous faith. Tomorrow, Tuesday, we will be fasting as a family for him. We have been praying hard that everything will be ok. 

When I heard about this I cried and cried. It's so so sad. I prayed and asked why. And then immediately came.... they have the gospel. They are strong in their faith. That is all that matters because it overcomes everything. 

Then my mind quickly turned to dear dear friends who have decided to leave the church. Then I bawled. Really bawled. Why? Why why why???? It hurts so much. I ache in my heart and head and all over. I love them so much. But agency and faith and HOPE that they WILL return. 

Such an emotional afternoon. I know, though, that my Heavenly Father loves me very much and all his children. I know it will be ok and this life is not the end and that the Johnsons are sealed as a family forever. 

It's so summer

It's still technically spring but late spring in phx is 107, and schools are mostly out everywhere so that's what we call it. We are working on summer fun lists over here, and filling our calendar up with library group, national geographic, Barnes and Nobel story time, and lots more summer fun. My plan is still to get outside to play at least a half hour everyday because I feel it's important, but mostly just to get out of the house and take advantage of the many fun things going on around the valley...indoors. In a/c! Hattie and Freddie are so much fun right now. And I'm coming out of my post partum worries and enjoying the now!! Life is good. We are so blessed. I'm in love w Collin.

I wanna see this film...

Children's museum!

Found her shadow.

Harriet Smith special day

Harriet Jillian smith was given a name and blessing by her father this past Sunday at church. It was a very special and beautiful day. I felt the spirit strongly testify to me that she is a daughter of God and has an important purpose on this earth. In the blessing, it was mentioned for her to be baptized, be married in the temple, and to serve a mission! That last one surprised me and my eyes filled with tears thinking of this strong, smart, determined little girl, grown into a woman someday. 

We had many friends and family join us for the celebration-and quite a few not members if our church, but there to support Hattie and us. It was overwhelming. It was a far drive and early in the morning for most and we felt very loved and blessed by their presence. 

And if you know us, you know we like to party and have lots if people in our home, so that's just what we did!!! We couldn't have done it without the major cleaning, cooking and crafty skills of Collin, his mom and dad, my mom, and even little Freddie (while I was nursing a babe nonstop and was able to do very little.) It was all VERY stress free and turned out so well--we had a full house! 

We decided to get our Valentines decorations started early with lots of photos of Hattie and our family. The theme was definitely LOVE! Most of these photos were taken by the amazingly talented Jayna Hedges (jaynahedges.com) I feel so blessed to have had her take many photos of our family over the years. 

Hanging around town and accomplishments!

Heres Freddie going going going on his scooter. We had a great day at the park the other day with lulu and pops. Fred loves Steele Indian school park because there are always so many kids there. "I want to see friends, mommy!" He is soooooo out-going and I always end up meeting awesome families and moms because of him. Everyone loves meeting Hattie and comment on how. It's she is! Hehe, I think she's gorgeous!!! And so smart, hilarious, wonderful, spiritual!!! My children are amazing, unique people who will change the world!!!! A few moms with one child have asked advice on having two...saying they are thinking of having another. I told one that I recently had a breakthrough....and feel like I'm slowly getting a old of things...as long as I am SUPER patient and don't mind taking an extra hour to leave the house and only try to do one thing per day on my own. :) life is good though. I love having a newborn.  Well she's 6 weeks this Thursday....aw man it's crazy and wonderful.

Sweet lil round head

She's tiny

Job 2

Job was a good man and had great integrity. Satan afflicted him with boils all over his body and he still remained faithful. His wife told him to curse God and be put out of his misery but he would not and ensured to the end. Then his friends came and comforted and mourned with him. This was mercy from God. 

Right now I am going through something hard...I have been waiting for almost 2 weeks for my baby to come. Everyday comes and goes with little or no progress. My faith has gone up and down, but God has never left me. He is there to comfort me whenever I turn to him in prayer. (Even after I have insane emotional breakdowns and say I'm giving up.) He sends my husband, parents, and friends, as angels, to mourn with me and comfort me. There are so many who call or text every day, wondering how I'm doing and if the baby is coming. Part of me has a hard time with the pressure it creates, but really I am so blessed to have so many who care and are thinking of me. :) I am continuously learning, repenting, growing, messing up, getting comfort and answers and everything all over again in this pregnancy. This baby has much to teach and add to our family. This is a very special little one.

I need to endure and have integrity. I need to have faith and patience. This will pass (it has to by Thursday!!) and we will have our new child and everything will be different and I'll have many many more lessons to learn. I can do it with God's help, with Collin, the Savior's atonement and the Holy Ghost. 

OCTOBER! Halloween!

October is over! November is here: the month of thanksgiving, our 5th anniversary, just days and weeks before our jumping Bean joins the family on the outside!! GIVING BIRTH SOON!
I'll now be posting a giant post about October, Halloween etc. This spooky month was pretty good to us.

October is great!!

It's so nice out; people will now hang out w us!! We go on lots of play dates to the park. This park is our favorite: East lake park. In the 1800s there was a lake in this spot and one time the salt river flooded and two gators ended up here for a while!!

We go on lots of walks. I try to keep up. 

Kitties in the complex 

Hey kitties, don't run! Fred just wants to hold you and squeeze you and love you forever. 

Looking for airplanes

When did you get so grown up?

Library toddler time. He loves this beanbag song. "Put it on your head and walk around the room."

Naps, everyday.

Playtime. 

We love baths!!!!

My buddy. 

I volunteered at a little consignment sale do I could shop at the Presale. It was fun and I got some good stuff. Reminds me of the gigantic sale we went to in DC, Natalie!!! 

Crazy guy!!!!!!!!!!!

Cute pirate

Back in feb 08. Dating long distance. Who are these funny skinny people?????

Happy TENTH anniversary to Jayna and Matt Hedges!!!!

Happy birthday, Morgan!!!!